Frayed At The Edges

I...(the 8th and final part)

2009-12-31T13:08:00.010-05:00

...look back at where I was a decade ago.

I was living in Pittsburgh, working at a job I absolutely despised (a bank) and still had a sense of optimism for what the future held.

Ten years later, I'm back in Pittsburgh, working at a job I can tolerate but is not "me" and that sense of optimism has diminished quite a bit.

The past decade seems like a blur, really. I spent 5 years living in Cleveland and another 2 1/2 in Vegas. I've met a lot of people along the way, some great, some not, some still in my life, some not, one that's no longer with us and some I wish weren't (yes, that's cold hearted, but truthful).

I've lived, loved, lied, lamented, laughed and longed...basically running the gamut of emotions and experiences as everyone has.

Mostly, though, as I look back on how life has been, it appears as if I've conceded in a lot of ways to the realities of the world. These concessions aren't of a superfluous nature, mind you, because they've taught me invaluable lessons on how I might want to spend the next decade and beyond.

As I mentioned in my last post, the past ten years seemed to highlight an era that was replete with dreamers. However, many of those dreamers were of the delusional type, imagining untold riches beyond that which many are capable of reaching or handling.

Now it's not to say that I've dreamed of getting rich quickly (or otherwise). But perhaps I've set lofty goals for myself that aren't as realistic as I had once imagined.

What really started me thinking about this is something that was brought up in a podcast between sportswriter Bill Simmons and author Chuck Klosterman (which you can listen to here if you scroll down to The B.S. Report 12/21 parts 1 & 2). The two were talking about college football being exciting to watch and Klosterman brought up the point that he loves to watch college players because, for the majority of them, this is the highlight of their lives. While a small percentage will go on to play in the NFL, many will eventually become insurance salesmen, attorneys, retail workers, teachers, or something other than football stars.

So I started to wonder...what if I've reached the apex of who I am? That is to say...what if I've crested in my life in terms of where I'm going and perhaps haven't realized it yet. Or maybe I haven't. Or maybe the best is yet to come.

Perhaps it's time to tone down the dreams several notches and just be realistic for a while. If things happen, great; if they don't, then I'll be prepared.

In any case, I read an article a few months back that was intriguing. A writer from Wired magazine was going to attempt to vanish and see if people could track him down. Several issues later, he published the outcome: Writer Evan Ratliff Tried To Vanish--Here's What Happened.

Of course, there are flaws with his methods. The biggest one being that he dared people to find him (with a cash prize awaiting the one or ones that did). Another was leaving false information on the internet to throw people off his trail.

I say, if you really want to vanish, you have a good possibility of doing so if you plan it out correctly. In the modern age, however, odds are that if people are looking, you WILL be found eventually.

However, our society is so enamored of being loved and wanted and feeling needed that they broadcast the most excruciating minutiae of the day to both friends and strangers. Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't give a rat's ass as to how you are in 140 characters or less from your Twitter. I'd rather have a conversation with you. I also don't need to know where you're eating (or in many cases, pictures of it) through a Facebook update.

Proponents of technology argue that social networks et. al. bring people together. Of course they do, but superficially for the most part. I can't tell you how many people have broached the idea of getting together only to then fail to respond when I tell them to let me know when they're free and we can do something. I completely understand that many are married, have kids and work. I get that time is a valuable commodity. It is for all of us. I also acknowledge the fact that the economy puts a damper on going out and doing frivolous things.

But maybe just consider meeting for a beer or grabbing some wings or watching a game. You can leave your houses, people. It's not that hard and there are many places where it won't cost that much. You just have to know where to go. Hell, I haven't lived here in eight years and I've found places where it's inexpensive and you can have a good time.

Vanishing point, n., a point at which something disappears or ceases to exist.

To a lesser degree, I'm going to attempt something along the lines of Even Ratliff. I'm going to "vanish" for a while. This will be my last blog post (here, anyway). And...I'm going so far as to change my number and email address.

Now here's the catch.

I already have a new blog up but not yet running. This one will remain here just for the hell of it. I'm not providing the title of the new one here but if you can find it and you're willing to go that extra mile, I'll be waiting for you on the other side. I'll even give you two clues: my name isn't on it and the title of the blog is a variation on a somewhat eccentric 1984 book that became a movie in the early part of this decade. In fact, everything you need to know to point you in the right direction is right above in this post. Good luck on that one.

My new email should be relatively easy to figure out. Namely, there's no trickery involved there.

While I won't delete my Facebook profile (as I understand is relatively impossible and time consuming to do), I'll probably take a sabbatical from there as well.

"And my ties are severed clean
Less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign
Roamer, wander
Nomad, vagabond
Call me what you will"
--Wherever I Roam, Metallica

I'm going to close out the first decade of the new millennium on a different path. Hollie and I will be doing a Lost marathon tonight to wind up the fifth season. Perhaps having been "lost" for many years, I can find something new on the horizon and find the path I'm meant to be on.

"I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?"
--Unknown

I...(part seven)

2009-12-26T15:24:00.003-05:00

...had originally planned to go into more detail on something I touched upon in my last post: that someone had recently mentioned that "this is the most exciting time to be alive".

I disagree of course and not out of some weird sense of nostalgia. I just think that society has developed some sort of myopic view on the world thanks to the past decade being filled with various levels of self aggrandizement. In fact, the first decade of the new millennium should now be labeled: The Decade of Self Entitlement.

Everyone feels that they deserve to be heard (99% don't), that they are the most important with opinions that matter (not so much) and that they can change the world (they could if they got their heads out of their asses and do something instead of Twittering about it).

People also feel that they can have riches and anything else they want in life by positive thinking. Not going to happen. Don't believe me? Ask financial experts and investors how "positive thinking" almost led to a worldwide meltdown. Check with homeowners on how they feel about their positive thoughts that the real estate boom would last forever.

You know, while re-watching a movie from 2000 today, I hit upon the exact diagnosis of nearly everyone from the past 10 years...

"Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage"

How prescient the Farrelly Brothers were with Me, Myself & Irene when they unknowingly made Charlie Baileygates the poster boy for the next 10 years!

As for me? Well, I'm part of that fractured dysfunctional "community" for better or worse. But when I take a look at that split image up there, I know that I want to reclaim the left half of that with the smile and make it connect all the way across to the right.

I...(part six)

2009-12-20T23:43:00.002-05:00

...hold these truths to be self evident:

I sometimes really enjoy caramel corn. Then again, sometimes I don't.

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I spend an exorbitant amount of time wondering what's going through my dog's head. Take, for example, the other day when I was walking him. I had little else to do but watch him and have my own imaginary conversation while we merrily strolled through the neighborhood filled with errant noises, dogs aplenty and other miscellaneous adventures. This is what I was able to come up with in terms of his thoughts:

Faster. Faster! Gotta get there. Stop. Have to shake out the kinks. All better. I'll pee here. What's that smell? Keep moving. That rustling bag just freaked me out. Kind of chilly. I could really go for sniffing ass right about now. Time to pee again. Nope. Poop. Fuck you other dog! That sewer seems interesting...maybe I'll take a sniff and...CHRIST WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!? Better get out of here. What's in there? Maybe I can fit my head through the fence. I'll look up at that guy. Keep up will ya! Run with me damn it! Time to eat.

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I often find that I'm nearly completely invisible to the human eye and deaf to the human ear...which is okay most of the time since I really have little interest in interacting with them anyway. It would be nice if sometimes people would listen, though, or even allow me the right of way in traffic. At least animals look forward to seeing me so I've got that going for me.

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I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm not meant to be wealthy. Can't win at betting, hitting the lottery or even making money by working hard. For Christ sake, I can't even win more than $100 on Deal Or No Deal online...and that's FREE! Glad I know how to bargain shop because that's the only way I'll save cash.

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I truly believe that I'm the star of some Truman Show style otherworldly, heavenly or cross dimensional (depending upon what you believe) sitcom entitled "Screw That Guy" and am in the midst of drawing record ratings as my life continues to entertain those viewers. Instead of that movie's constant question (How's it going to end?), they're using "When's he going to finally snap?" for mine.

In kind of a related anecdote (since Jim Carrey was in The Truman Show too), I think one of the most surreal moments ever was when I was on a date to see The Mask and this scene came on with me singing along in the theater:

My date turned to me, brow furrowed and looking perplexed and asked: "Why is it that you know the words to Cuban Pete?" I'm almost positive that was the last date we had. Good because if you have to ask, you probably wouldn't understand why I know half the things I do.

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There are maybe 10 people I enjoy having conversations with on a regular basis.

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Someone came up to me at work the other day, plopped this book down in front of me, and asked if I could tell her what it was about. I said it was a parody. She said, "What?" I repeated myself since I didn't think she heard what I said. She then replied, "I don't know what that means."

She was in her thirties.

Then again, if you're reading Twilight related books, you're probably not too bright anyway.

Americans are a lot dumber than they think they are. That accounts for Sarah Palin's book being #1 on the bestseller list.

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I'm frightened by the fact that Palin also reads her own audio book.

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I absolutely love a good snowfall...if I don't have to go anywhere until it melts.

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I miss authentic bakeries, old used books stores (not chains, though I love Half Price Books), small independent theaters, drive ins and mini golf places.

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I don't agree with a recent statement someone made that "this is the best time to be alive because it's history in the making". I'll expand more on this thought soon.

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There's at least one to three places (but no more) where you live that you feel comfortable hanging out at. Even that changes if you move and come back. I don't even step into the places I used to go to years ago here. In Vegas, I loved BW3s, Martini's and PT's Pub (in that order). Here, I just don't feel at home at Bdubs. I can't explain why. It's just the way it is. So I found new places.

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Whatever happens, happens. 2010 will be pretty much like 2009. Some shit you think will happen, won't. Plans you made will fall by the wayside. There will be some surprises (both good and bad) and life will go on. Or it won't. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.

I...(part five)

2009-12-12T00:49:00.003-05:00

...tend to over-: analyze; observe; (be) protective (of); compensate; act; do it; react; estimate...

You name it...the last few years, I've tended to "over" anything you can mention. These are just a few of my faults.

"If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice."

This quote is actually from a google search from me just typing in "fault quotes" and not attributed to anyone in particular.

Too bad, because it's somewhat accurate in terms of how I am.

I DO give advice...but it's not from some lofty superiority complex that I have...it's from what I've lived through.

And it's not as if I know it all, because I don't. In no uncertain terms do I even remotely believe that I grasp "the meaning of life".

I had great conversations with people tonight that made me think of things in different ways.

In fact, that's what I seek out, more than anything.

I absolutely love having discussions with others, no matter what point of view that they have. Sometimes they sway me...sometimes it's vice versa.

The point is that the conversations take place.

However...

On the flip side...

I tend to offer advice when it's not requested or needed. I do find myself pushing "advice" on others.

I'm flawed.

I'm at fault.

I don't particularly like who I am and where I'm at in life...and if psychoanalyzed, I'm overcompensating...I'm projecting my faults, fears and whatever else onto others.

I get it. I'm pretty self-actualized.

Well...somewhat. ;)

There are things I need to work on.

There are things everyone needs to work on.

But for me to be happy and to actually be at the place I want to be...

It's akin to this...

We're all tired of working toward who we want to be and what we're trying to achieve...and all in an attempt to make living life a little easier.

In the words of Jerry Maguire,

"Help ME, help YOU"

If we all do that, wouldn't we all overcome our faults a little easier?

I...(part four)

2009-12-09T00:02:00.003-05:00

...totally agree with the quote by Cyril Connolly that it's "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Too often as of late, I've read a lot of things that seem to have been great ideas but somehow got lost in the shuffle as they made their way toward public consumption.

Take, for example, Under The Dome, which I mentioned in a prior post. For about 90% of the book, I was enthralled at how life in a small town can break down very quickly if cut off from the rest of the world. Had Stephen King stuck to his guns, he would have had one of the best post 9/11 stories about paranoia and religious zeal gone very awry. Instead, he opted to add some supernatural and unearthly elements to it that managed to ultimately make the novel pull the very punch it was trying to land in making a point.

The current book I'm reading (The Moment Of Psycho: How Hitchcock Taught America To Love Murder) as well as a previous book (Looking For Calvin & Hobbes) both had great premises (well, to me at least as the movie and comic strip were works of art) but fell flat. The issue with both was that we're taken out of the prose and what the authors were attempting to relay to the reader when they decided to insert themselves and their experiences with each subject into the mix.

First of all, I don't care how much Moment author David Thomson enjoyed Psycho when he was 19 and living in London (perhaps because the title refers to America loving the film as an example) and how much fun Looking's author Nevin Martell's tour of Bill Watterson's hometown was. Second of all, both books eventually stray from their primary objective. In Thomson's case, he wanders off to talk about Hitchcock's next features which is relatively unnecessary. Martell's attempt to interview Watterson is a bust (although to be fair to him, it is for everyone else too), but he feels the need to describe first hand about his overall excitement for the creator. Hey, I love the southwest, but if I can't get the research I need about it to include it in a book, I'm not going to write about my itinerary.

Of course it's important for every author to have a voice. That's what writing is all about. But it seems as if more and more writers are pandering to everyone instead of having a singular voice (which is why I love reading authors like David Sedaris, Barbara Ehrenreich and Chuck Klosterman as well as columnists like Bill Simmons--they all have maintained their voices as the years have gone by).

Maybe to me, writing seems more of a personal venture designed to thrill myself and see where the story takes me. If others enjoy it, so be it (which would be nice so that I could actually...*gasp*...make a living at something I love to do). But if it doesn't, that's still ok with me because I know that I'll enjoy it.

Admittedly, somewhere along the line, I have to confess that I lost my sense of self. Take my TV column, for example. Back when Billy Mays died, I posted an obituary on him. I had over 10,000 hits that day resulting in over $100 in my pocket.

That was nice.

But that week, I tried to strike while the iron was hot, tossing out several meaningless articles to keep that fire raging. It eventually went out. When I returned to the column, I felt something missing.

The passion was gone.

I think it was because I realized that what I was writing wasn't me. It was just a rehash of what was going on in the world of TV instead of something personal that I could add to it. As time went on, working full time interfered with viewing shows that I should have been writing about so I was pushed farther and farther from my original goal.

I could also add that the same thing happened with the blog. In an old blog that I used to write (long ago and in another lifetime it seems), I could always come up with something interesting. Whether it was ruminations on everyday life, observations on something in particular, or even to share a funny story, the writing wasn't necessarily about me, but about life and things that we all can laugh at. It was more a shared experience as viewed through my eyes and a singular voice.

That's not to say that this blog panders to a particular audience, because...what audience?

From what I can see, it was a shifting perspective and an unhappiness of where I was in life to where I was going. My old blog kind of withered away (though I saved a great deal of the posts for ideas in stories down the line) and gave birth to this one. The old one died at a time when I was besieged by issues of living arrangements and personal matters.

Since starting this one, those perspectives have shifted again and who's to say where this one will end up?

Maybe it's time to start writing for myself again...

...maybe.

I...(part three)

2009-12-02T01:01:00.004-05:00

...seem to be perceived by many as some sort of joyless ogre with the inability to find even the smallest pleasures in life.

This simply isn't true.

Ok, well not totally true. ;)

Admittedly, I'm not a huge fan of holidays (as you could probably glean from my last post), for example, but I remember a time when I used to be.

I can recall my college days when I'd walk through the mall in Milwaukee, soaking in the decorations and the bustling of people to and fro. The sights, sounds and smells of the Christmas season were, in many ways, intoxicating and festive.

Even for several years after college, I can still remember enjoying Christmas to some extent. Up until a decade ago, I used to decorate. Hell, I'd decorate for Halloween up until about 3 years ago!

As the years roll on, however, and you've seen hopes dashed time and time again, promises broken and everything letting you down, how can you not let a pessimistic attitude usurp a somewhat positive one? As a result, you have less and less desire to do anything to celebrate and therefore have to find other things that make your time worthwhile.

That's why I now try and take pleasure in some of the little things in life--discussing/arguing football with Chad...watching Hollie watch Lost as the story unfurls (still in the 3rd season so plenty of surprises await!)...talking about life and enjoying 80s music with Scott and Brenda...laughing at inside jokes with my cousin Jon...

...and reading.

Lately I've been reading Stephen King's Under The Dome, a nearly 1100 page opus that spans perhaps a week of time as residents of a small town are inexplicably trapped by the sudden appearance of...well, the title lets you know what. I look forward to reading it before bed nearly every night (except those rare occurrences that I'm out and the vision's a tad blurry from a few libations) and can't wait to get to the end.

However, on the flip side, knowing that as I write this, I'm less than 150 pages away from the ending, there exists a tinge of sadness because I know that the same excitement I've had about getting back to the story will soon be over.

Maybe it's because the premise of the story resonates with me since I feel as if (at least for the past 2 years and especially the last 9 months) I've been trapped...though maybe not inside a dome. It sometimes feels as if there's an ever constricting box and no matter how much I strain or push against it, it won't budge an inch.

That's why it's time to think outside that box and consider what lies just beyond the walls. So far, old methods of trying to escape haven't worked so perhaps I'll try a different train of thought.

Until then, the (somewhat) "joyless ogre" remains and the longer he does, the less you might want to expect good cheer from him.

Being confined tends to create that monster.

I...(part two)

2009-11-26T15:10:00.003-05:00

...have never been a big fan of holidays and Thanksgiving may be my least favorite.

I do enjoy turkey, but since I've been back, we've had it at least once a month so that saps some of the special feeling out of partaking of a bird today.

Moreover, I've never been a fan of parades so getting up early and seeing that on TV does zilch for me.

Then there's the football games. I know there's grumbling around the NFL about Dallas and Detroit playing home games every Thanksgiving, thus giving them a "competitive advantage". Look, first of all, if we're going to stick with every other tradition on Thanksgiving, might as well keep this one up. Besides, since they've added a third game in the evening, there's at least one decent matchup to look forward to. Second of all, what "competitive advantage"? It's a home game just like any other so why all the sudden bitching about it? Either teams play at home or away. Other than playing one game in London during the season (which is ridiculous) and the Super Bowl, teams have home field advantage at least 8 times per season. Let it go.

Of course, there's the family time that we all look forward to...

I get enough family time each and every day so believe me, today is nothing special. In fact, like most travelers, I've amassed so many frequent flier miles from all the guilt trips I've taken so, if anything, I deserve time away somewhere. Furthermore, as the years roll on, I've become less a fan of going to other people's homes to celebrate. If it were friends, that's one thing. But most families have extended family over and with that comes kids, people I don't know and will most likely never see again, and no quiet time spent enjoying a day off.

Finally, there's the perfunctory well wishes everyone has to send today. Yes, I do appreciate it and I think it's always a nice gesture, but with that comes the obligation to send them back. I truly do hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving, but why can't every day be happy? Why do we wish it only on holidays? That seems like one tradition I wouldn't mind seeing disappear. Since I wish no ill will against family and friends any other day, why do I need to go out of my way on particular days to wish them an extra special time?

However, I think the true problem with the modern world lies in the fact that instead of everyone picking up the phone and actually wishing people well, we forward it in the form of a text, e-mail or, even worse, Facebook & MySpace greetings. It seems so impersonal to me.

Then again, it's like every other day, so why should today be any different?

Anyway, I do hope that anyone reading this has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Just don't expect me to enjoy it. ;)

I... (Part one)

2009-11-21T02:26:00.003-05:00

...am considering an ending...

...but not the one you might think of upon first glance.

Read

"In my end is my beginning."
--T.S. Eliot

Unifying Images-Guess the common theme

2009-11-18T02:17:00.008-05:00

All sum up what I'm sincerely ready to do in a big way...

Friday the 13th

2009-11-13T14:39:00.002-05:00

You know, I was just telling someone yesterday that I don't dread Friday the 13th. Usually everyone is paranoid about bad luck but since I pretty much have it each day of the year, things usually take a 180 on this particular day.

So I got up and took Jack to the vet for his annual update. They gave him some Benadryl prior to the shots to prevent an allergic reaction. After administering the shots, I was checking out and awaiting some estimates on the cost of him getting neutered. Then, the guy who grooms him came over to chat.

Jack started hacking a bit and as I moved him from leaning over my shoulder to holding him in my arms, I noticed his heart pounding slowly. The nurse mentioned how he looked droopy. She thought it best for the doctor to take a look at him and told me to come back in about 15 minutes or so.

I went to run an errand and came back. They told me to step into the office.

Apparently, Jack went into anaphylactic shock and had I not stopped to get the info and chat with the groomer, he would have died in the car on the way home.

They're keeping him for observation until 6.

Now the entire cost for what was supposed to be a quick trip to the vet is well over $600.

As long as he's ok, I'm fine with that.

But goddamn it, it would be nice if things worked out ONE fucking day in life.

Had he died, all of you would have seen my rampage on the news today.

I suppose for those who are "positive thinkers", it's nice to know that the universe decided to give me a clue that bad luck is now 365 days a year instead of one less--and now it's rubbed off on Jack.

Jurassic Park is back online!

2009-11-11T14:36:00.003-05:00

My internet connection went down on Saturday and until late last night, wasn't able to access anything.

What was fun was not only catching up on my reading, but also the colossal arguments with both the cable company and the family.

Good times.

I figured my situation was akin to the film since most people in the area tend to still get their ideals about life and technology from around that time period...

Karma Chameleon

2009-11-06T14:43:00.003-05:00

As I was driving home from getting my hair cut today, I figured that I should probably grab some lunch. Since there aren't too many places close to home from which to choose, I immediately opted for Wendy's since I knew it had the best chance of surviving the remaining few miles and still be somewhat hot when I finally had the opportunity to eat the meal.

The voice that bellowed through the speakers was just tinged with misery. Just imagine an exasperated, fed up voice...

"Welcome to Wendy's. What would you like?"

Probably the funniest part about the whole thing was that I almost had no idea what I wanted as I leaned out the window. Yet, somehow, I reeled off the most specific order possible including the size of the meal (medium) with nary a change to the way that they prepare their burger (as I detest tomatoes but figure I'll pick them off myself). The only question she had to ask was what I wanted to drink. It always escapes me as to what particular beverage fast food places serve (Pepsi or Coke), so I just always tell them either/or in regards to the drink. They water it down so much, in the end, it doesn't matter anyway.

Suddenly, the voice brightened and thanked me after telling me to pull to the first window.

When I approached the window to offer payment, the woman was smiling and told me that she appreciated the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted as some hem and haw for minutes.

Sure, I was glad to detract from the otherwise monotonous activities of her day, but in my heart I know that I order specifically to get the hell out of there and away from the general public. I'm of the caveman mentality..."bag it and drag it back to the cave".

Then I approached the next window. I was quickly handed my drink but had to wait a few moments for my burger and fries. Before the bag popped out of the window, I was handed another drink. I informed them that I already had one (just like the French soldiers in regard to the Grail), but she said that she made a mistake and that I could have an extra one to take back to the office. (My casual business attire must have confused her into thinking I was respectable!)

So, I eventually drove away with two drinks and a hot meal.

And as I thought about the extra drink, I realized that this is the type of "good karma" I hear about every so often. Like a chameleon, it presents itself in different ways each day.

However, when you get down to the nitty gritty, it's all a facade.

Like all the other "good karma", it's served in a medium container, very cold, watered down, and, ultimately, only offers a brief respite from thirsting for what truly satisfies you.

Oh karma chameleon, you truly do come and go...all too quickly...

"You can't always get what you want...

2009-11-05T23:52:00.003-05:00

...but if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need"
--You Can't Always Get What You Want, Rolling Stones

Several weeks ago, I happened to chuckle at the horoscope that was sent to me, telling me that my mantra over the next few days would be "delayed gratification" and that "showing up and playing the game, win or lose" is where I would find the most joy.

If I may retort to this prognostication by utilizing the delicate vernacular, might I say...

(Earmuffs, kids...)

BULLSHIT!

First of all, the so called "delayed gratification" isn't a mantra I would adhere to for a few days; rather, it seems to be apt to place on the title of my autobiography.

Second of all, who ever said there was joy in losing? I show up to places every day (work, home) and Bigfoot is spotted more often than I "win" at anything.

I've found that it rarely pays to get excited about most things. For example, I recently decided to go back to grad school. Great, right? Well, not so much. You see, I need a few things in my arsenal (transcripts, letters from professors, GRE scores, a sample of a work I would eventually submit as a thesis, etc.) to fully apply.

All within a month or so.

Some of those are going to be somewhat difficult to get on short notice as I obtained my B.A. oh...about 18 years ago. Lol. One professor may remember me, I'm almost certain that I'll need to retake the GRE and I need to really sharpen my project as it's meant for screenwriting, not for an MFA in English and creative writing.

Now of course I'm not giving up and will e-mail these schools to see what requirements I would have to meet to be considered. And I'm not looking for an easy way out.

But it would be nice to catch a break once in a while.

I've delayed gratification long enough and by damn, it's time for all that "karma" that everyone seems to talk about to come my way.

That's what I want AND need!

Quotes of the Day

2009-11-03T00:55:00.003-05:00

Alice came to a fork in the road.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.

"I don't know", Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

--Alice In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

"And if you don't know where you're going
Any road will take you there."

--"Any Road", George Harrison

Just in a pensive mood...unsure.

This is...Halloween?

2009-10-27T00:39:00.004-04:00

With each passing year, I tend to notice that fewer people and businesses decorate for (or even make passing reference to) Halloween?

Why is this? Is it because our so called "God fearing nation" considers this some Pagan like holiday that will warp our children?

Virtually nowhere will you find decorations, Halloween related music or even horror movies available for sale.

Aren't people allowed to just have fun anymore?

Where I'm currently working, there's zero mention made of the holiday save for some small displays. Years ago, when I managed a laser tag facility, I'd stay after hours unpaid to decorate and even design an overnight event so that people could enjoy themselves. I just love the holiday.

Anyway, if you're looking for some great horror movies to watch this weekend, check out the blog Riku Writes--Mostly About Film for some fantastic recommendations. I commented on it and you'll see a few of mine as well.

Hope everyone has a Happy Halloween!

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

2009-10-22T00:59:00.004-04:00

So many thoughts running around...

So much to say...

Yet I stare at the screen...

And my mind and the empty space share something in common...

Both are filled with just words, devoid of feeling...meaning...lacking coherence...

Substance is within my grasp for a fleeting moment, then twists and spins away into nothing...

...and that's a problem.

"Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain
You would not understand
This is not how I am"
--Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd

P.S. I did add a new, twisted chapter to the Write Down The Line blog. Link the progressing story from the right of this post...

Paranormal Activity

2009-10-10T00:30:00.003-04:00

Two years ago, I stumbled upon a trailer for a (then) little known film entitled Paranormal Activity. A low budget film (made for a shoestring budget of $15,000 apparently), it was all but ignored and, like other films that seemingly came and went (Trick R Treat and The Poughkeepsie Tapes) I'd made not only a mental note to see it, but bookmarked the site to keep a vigilant eye upon its progress. I'd almost written it off because I never thought it would be released.

Thanks to either an incredible internet grass roots campaign or an incredible marketing ploy (the best since The Blair Witch Project), Paranormal Activity now sees the light of day in theaters around the nation.

The film centers around Katie and Micah, a couple who have been dating for three years and are now living together. Their happy living arrangement has (as of late) been disturbed by noises and things going bump in the night. Ever the resourceful one, Micah takes it upon himself to capture strange goings on via camera, EVP and other methods to determine whether or not there truly IS a spirit in the home.

Not ruining anything for potential filmgoers or Micah, suffice it to say that there is.

What follows in the 90+ minutes of film is a throwback to the old days of filmmaking when audiences didn't need to necessarily "see" everything but instead allow their fertile imaginations to run wild. In this respect, Paranormal Activity reminded me of one of my personal favorite horror films of all time--1963's The Haunting.

I've always enjoyed films that entice the viewer and let them in as the story unfolds rather than spell things out for them. To its credit, Paranormal Activity draws you in slowly and ratchets up the suspense and horror in small, methodical ways without the use of heavy effects and exposition. The film never explains why, but instead focuses on the how.

I don't need to know why something has been after Katie since she was a child and has now returned to plague her. I don't need a backstory with flashbacks telling me what she experienced then. I just want to see how it affects her at this point in time.

I think that's the problem with most (if not all) Hollywood films in the modern era. They're too concerned with dumbing themselves down to people rather than creating a great story. Remakes of great films like Black Christmas and Halloween pale in comparison to the originals in that they feel the need to tell us why the villains (whether it be a supernatural force or just an insane killer) do what they do. Aren't they scarier if we don't know?

Anyway, I can say that the two year wait paid off. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and highly recommend that people go to see it. No, it's not without fault (I think the Micah character was a tad too eager rather than cautious and therefore, the character's credibility was strained at times), but it did send chills up my spine even when "nothing" was happening on the screen.

You'll just have to see it to know what I mean. ;)

As for the other films I mentioned, I'm eagerly awaiting Trick R Treat which should be arriving any day from Amazon. The Poughkeepsie Tapes? I continue to await the release of that...

I give Paranormal Activity 3 1/2 stars. I'd much rather see this six times than something like Saw VI once.

Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think?

2009-10-08T00:42:00.004-04:00

That not soon after I parted with something from my childhood (much of a huge comic collection) and was finally able to sell it on eBay for much less than what it was worth (a whole other story) but still thought that I would make some sort of cash on it that...

MY GLASSES BREAK?!?

Oh...not the lenses...but the metal frames at a point where they were not possible to repair...

Yeah...

No video, but I think that the immediate start of the song lends to the whole story! ;)

And therein lies the irony...

It's on the tip of my tongue and stuck in my head...

2009-10-02T01:32:00.002-04:00

It's that song.

The one from...

Oh...I almost have it.

It's that group...you know...it's an old group...

I just heard it on that commercial and...OH WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

We've all been there. You're half paying attention to some commercial on TV and you hear a snippet of a song...but you can't remember what it is or who sang it.

FLASHBACK

About two years ago, my friend and I would hang out during the summer and watch Cubs games on WGN. One day, a car commercial aired and though we both heard the jingle, neither of us talked about the song until later.

Until it stuck in our heads and finally we confronted one another.

"Hey...what was that song in that commercial?"

Neither of us knew what it was.

So we figured we'd ask around.

However, the most we could come up with was to imitate the notes and follow it with one word...

FIRE!

Our friends looked at the two of us like we were either insane or kidding.

Knowing us, either guess would usually apply.

But in this particular case, we were completely serious.

We HAD to know.

I searched the internet looking for song lyrics with the word "fire" in them.

Guess how well that turned out? There were hundreds of songs it could have been.

Finally, we gave up, thinking we'd never come up with the title. I knew it was a song that was popular from the mid 60s to the mid 70s but couldn't place it. I even mentioned that it was probably one of those weird tunes whose title is never mentioned in the song (i.e. The Who's "Baba O'Reilly").

He imitated a front man for a band announcing their next song: "Now, climbing the top of the charts, our huge hit, 'Hot Dog"!" Then sang "Fire..." and mimicked the synthesizer...yes, you have to imagine it to be really funny...anyway...

FLASH FORWARD

Months later, I was watching Hot Fuzz on HBO. Suddenly, I heard it again!

Now I knew where I could track it down!

I immediately went to IMDB.com for the film and looked at the soundtrack listing.

This was the song...

Whew...thankfully, that was over.

Until lately...

Recently, I've heard a jingle on a commercial that I know I knew from somewhere. Again, all I heard was a synthesizer and the words "How long?" while a guy was in his car singing.

This is definitely where the internet comes in handy!

I attempted every keyword I knew...CURRENT COMMERCIAL JINGLES, COMMERCIAL SONGS, etc.

Then I hit upon this and thought I'd found the answer.

Nope. He was posing the same question.

I somehow thought it might be Bad Company or Badfinger. Again, I knew it was a 70s tune but couldn't think of the name.

So I dug further.

Finally, I found it.

Enjoy!

And people say that they don't know how to fill their time if they didn't have work to occupy their otherwise meaningless hours...

Not only did I fill your time by having you read this, but I might have just solved some mysteries for you too! ;)

Ok...maybe it wasn't the answer to the meaning of life, but maybe some meaning IN your life? Lol

82

2009-09-28T14:29:00.003-04:00

As part of the upcoming screenwriting expo I'm attending, a contest was offered to those who wished to participate. Basically, you'd write three five minute scenes (one page normally equals about one minute of screen time) based on the premise that they supply you.

In the first round, the premise was emailed on a Friday night and contestants had until Monday morning to submit their entry. If you make it past the first round, the next premise would be emailed on a Thursday night and everyone has until the following morning to come up with something. Those good enough to make it to the final round would be emailed a premise on a Saturday morning and have 90 minutes to complete a scene.

So I dashed something off and made sure it was there by Monday morning.

It took about a week, but I finally got my score (based out of 100 possible points) this past Saturday.

It's the title of the post.

Now, it's not bad, but I highly doubt I made it to the second round with that. Actually, the score didn't bother me so much as did the accompanying comments. There was nothing terrible or anything to really fret over, but when I read something like "The characters are varied but a bit hard to believe and become invested in" and "We're a little confused as to who the characters are and what's going on between them", I get a little perplexed.

If you take a random five minute scene out of any film or TV show, how are you supposed to determine immediately who the characters are and what their motivations might be, much less get invested in them? I've seen many productions where I stuck with it just because I was curious and it didn't pay off...or vice versa (in the case of some shows where I gave them a second chance and they proved to be better based on more information down the line).

Granted, I'm fully aware that my scene wasn't reinventing the wheel or setting the world on fire, but I guess I'm just curious as to how they're judged. And, if they want something different from a scene (like say, an opening scene to establish the characters), wouldn't it behoove them to say that upfront?

Anyway, I didn't let it deter me from continuing to pursue what I want to do. Of course I was a bit let down, but living in my shoes, one kind of gets used to that...lol. I can take criticism because, in the end, it makes me want to be better at what it is I do.

So we'll see what happens when I'm out there. Hopefully no matter what happens, I can take some positive things away from it and build upon that.

Because, honestly...I really have little interest in many other facets of life in terms of career.

Believe me...I've sampled quite a few different ones and, after a while, they become monotonous.

Kentucky Fried Chicken Flow Italian

2009-09-21T15:31:00.003-04:00

Every now and again, I'll go back to check some of the sites I've saved just to see 1) if they still exist and 2) what's new on them.

The first one I went to (Perpetual Kid) featured some cool horror related stuff. Alas, it doesn't seem that the matching bath mat with bloody footprints is still available. Damn. Why do I wait to order this stuff?

Next I went on over to Diecastfan to see if the Hemicuda model from the movie Phantasm was still up for sale. Better luck here. It is...but it's out of stock. No biggie. Eventually it will return.

Then I popped on over to Steve Rushin's site to see what he's been up to. He was one of the reasons I used to read Sports Illustrated religiously (he and Rick Reilly), but since his departure from the magazine, it's difficult to find anything written by him. He's a voice that I miss on a regular basis.

Finally (and only because I paused to write this), I spotted Brian K Vaughn's site on the list. Since he writes for comics (Ex Machina) and TV (Lost), I thought I'd see what projects he was working on other than those. When it came up in the browser, the title read "Kentucky Fried Chicken Flow Italian at BKV.TV".

Since that's the first thing that caught my eye, I couldn't help wonder what craziness was going to ensue (as he's a pretty creative guy).

Could it be a recipe?

Perhaps something coded for Lost's upcoming final season?

A blog post?

Or some weird amalgamation between KFC and Olive Garden that's determined to capture everyone's attention by offering two kinds of crappy food all in the same location.

Much to my dismay, the site's license had lapsed and it was just a link to other sites. You can see a whole lot of nothing here.

The odd running together and phrasing of that reminded me of something funny that happened in college.

My friend Mark was telling me about a roommate he had that, when asleep, would chatter away with gibberish that completely made zero sense. His (and also my) favorite phrase was "Rocks fall but the plywood always doesn't do it".

What the hell does that mean? Who knows, but it just became kind of an inside joke for a while.

That is, until our journalism class was given an assignment to write a headline and article (the headline being the most important part to catch people's eyes) for a newspaper column regarding former Minnesota Vikings player, Mossy Cade.

We'd already hashed ours out, but, for some reason, our friend Siobain was fretting over it. She came to us, frustrated that she was stymied by this seemingly simplistic task, and asked what we'd come up with.

Mark offered the aforementioned headline while I told her that mine was "Fire Trucks Fly Through The Windy Hills of Montana".

Normally very intelligent, she was perplexed at our choices and asked why we selected those. I can't remember what we spewed forth but it was a complete line of BS. She still seemed confused.

Until we laughed at her.

She was one always to be sharp and in on the joke (as the three of us used to come up with conversation that would have been great fodder for a sitcom during our several lunches per week), but since the assignment wasn't clicking with her, she stormed out of the room hurling expletives at us, upset that we hadn't helped her a bit.

Such is the price of comedy!

Now I just have to find a way to work "Kentucky Fried Chicken Flow Italian" into conversation. There are just hordes of gullible people out there who will eat it up. I'm sure I won't have to wait long! ;)

Sunshine and Flowers

2009-09-17T00:10:00.004-04:00

"Oh every time it rains
It rains pennies from heaven
Don't you know
Each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven
You'll find your fortune
Fallin' all over town
Be sure that your umbrella
Is upside down
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers"
--"Pennies From Heaven", Frank Sinatra

Perhaps I never seem to catch these pennies from heaven (aka wonderful opportunities) because I never use an umbrella. Therefore, I can't trade them for the aforementioned sunshine and flowers.

But when a deal like this falls into one's lap, how can you not take advantage of it?

Dear Sean, We wanted to notify you immediately about a new job posting that may fit your interest and skills set. You can easily access the job description by clicking on the link provided.

Gaze if you will into my future!

I might as well pack my bags now because this is the chance of a lifetime!

I think what made me laugh the most about this e-mail is the fact that it may fit my skills set. They're not quite certain, but apparently, my entire resume is devoted to my total love and enjoyment of package handling--on a part time basis no less. It really is nice of them to consider that I might wear myself out mentally and physically several hours a day at what just could be a taxing profession.

Maybe it was my B.A. in Package Handling that tipped them off...or the four years I spent as a protege in the Orient honing my craft. One never knows, but I'll be eternally grateful to pursue my dream!

Probably the saddest thing about this is that, to them (and others I'm sure), my entire life's experience amounts to little more than menial labor a few hours a week for as little financial reward as possible.

Thanks, but I'm kind of doing that now.

And I'm not knocking it per se. Look, there are many times when I'd gladly haul heavy boxes if it keeps me away from the general public. At least I can be alone with my thoughts and have a more interesting conversation with the voices in my head than many of the people I meet on a regular basis.

I don't even care about the financial rewards. Sure, it's nice to want to be wealthy at what you do, but as long as I was doing what I loved, I wouldn't care.

Case in point (and bear with me because this will go somewhere, I promise):

I was searching for health insurance online and was denied because I needed something from a physician that described my current health status. Since I was (at the moment) working only part time (and GOD FORBID you should get health care with that), I 1) couldn't afford the high cost of medical bills just to be able to get insurance and 2) needed to be full time to get it at work.

Lo and behold, an opportunity arose (seemingly shiny pennies, I might add at this juncture) wherein a full time position was made available to me. Well, since I enjoyed the place at which I worked and was told benefits would kick in immediately, why wouldn't I take it?

I then had to wait 60 days for the benefits to be available.

During that time, I pretty much abandoned the writing as I was working long and varied hours for very little more money. As the days dragged on, I was at least glad that the benefits would arrive to make it all worth it.

So over the past few weeks, I visited the family physician for a check up as well as an ENT for my ear (in which I had a tube inserted 5 years ago). After those blood tests and a sonogram (as I had a nasty gallbladder attack back in January), I was pronounced fine. The tests were within normal ranges and no stones (or creatures from my stint on the Nostromo lifting heavy boxes--vague movie reference) were found.

Each visit required no co-pay, which I thought odd. So the other day, my fingers went a wandering to the website to check out my claims.

As it happens, being pronounced healthy is detrimental to the overall wellness of my bank account. Seems that since I didn't meet the deductible, only a very slight "discount" was taken off my total bill (maybe about $100 or so) and I owe pretty much...WHAT I WOULD HAVE IF I NEVER GOT BENEFITS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!

So then it occurs to me that the main reason I originally took the position was pretty much for nothing. On top of that, the absurdity of the whole process just made me livid. Paying about $68 a month for the past 2 months was slightly more than the amount of the discount, so in reality, I'm back at square one (or if I want to be really negative and offer a vivid picture, 30 cents shy of a quarter in terms of benefits).

It's almost like finding out there's cheaper gas about 30 miles away and driving there and back to get it. It's the illusion of saving.

As a result, one kind of has to come to the conclusion that working in any sort of job that you really don't enjoy is basically ridiculous. If you're not doing it for advancement, the hopes that the money will roll in and you can tolerate it because the money you get in return is worth it, or for the lavish benefits that suddenly aren't there when you need them, then what's the point, really?

That's why I've always found those pennies that fall to be somewhat tarnished and, in a sense, fleeting. You're never going to trade them for sunshine and flowers; rather, the allure of new shiny ones will only make you buy bigger, fancier umbrellas in the futile hopes that you'll get more and more pennies.

My advice is to take cover, enjoy life and watch the others scramble for the pennies.

Because sunshine and flowers are free.

Love bites, love bleeds, Love...Happens?

2009-09-16T00:23:00.003-04:00

"Hey life
Look at me
I can see the reality
'Cause when you
Shook me
Took me
Out of my world
I woke up
Suddenly I just woke up
To the happening"
--"The Happening", The Supremes

In Love Happens, Aaron Eckhart plays Burke Ryan, a self help guru and soon to be world famous author who's still grieving internally over the death of his wife three years ago. It seems that his book has garnered him enough attention to stage workshops and lead him to the brink of superstardom. However, while he can help others overcome the loss of their loved ones, he finds that he can't do it himself.

Enter Eloise (Jennifer Aniston), the (somewhat quirky) proprietor of a floral shop who just might be what Burke needs to leave the past behind and move on to a happier future.

Burke literally bumps into Eloise while leading a workshop in a Seattle, a city that he despises (mainly because his late wife met her untimely demise there) and can't wait to leave. Awkward sparks fly and, after some obstacles, the two find in each other the possibility of happiness.

Meanwhile, Burke tries to help the attendees of his workshop (Walter in particular--a man who lost his son) deal with their grief and fears as he himself remains stifled and unable to progress.

As with Funny People, I saw great and wasted potential in this film. On the surface, it's really not a bad romantic comedy (for the modern era, that is). In fact, prior to seeing the film, I already had the perfect syllogism ready: "If love happens and shit happens, wouldn't love then equal shit?"

Of course, you know what happens with the best laid plans of mice and men...

But I did get into certain aspects of the film. I really enjoyed the internal struggle of Eckhart's character as he tried to escape the guilt over losing his wife. I also found the interaction between him and Walter to be quite moving and effective in tugging at the old heartstrings.

When it came to his relationship with Aniston's Eloise, however, I felt torn. It almost seems as if there were many scenes between them that ended up on the cutting room floor.

After they bump into one another at the hotel and she rushes off, Burke notices that she's written a word (quidnunc, I believe) under one of the framed paintings on the wall. Why she does this is never explained, yet it's used as a plot device throughout the film. Yes, it's interesting, but tell us WHY she does it. I don't have to know every little thing about a character, but if it's in the plot, we need to know why it's important and just not there because it's cool for a character quirk.

For something billed as a romantic comedy, Love Happens never quite lives up to that expectation. Sure, it "happens" but it feels rather forced and arbitrary. And it's really a shame because there was chemistry between Eckhart and Aniston; the problem is that it doesn't really have a spark to get things going. That would have been a different movie altogether.

In the end, there are aspects of the film that are well done and others that feel "by the numbers" as if the writers utilized a "Generate Your Romantic Comedy Plot" book and inserted material in whenever they felt the story was lacking in that area.

I somehow think that there's a great independent film here that was tainted by the Hollywood "powers that be". The filmmakers should have woken up to the fact that they had a gem on their hands and instead of seeing the reality of what could have been, they opted for something that isn't altogether there.

As a sidenote, I noticed something about Aniston. Arguably she's the most successful of the Friends crowd, yet, like in her personal life, she never seems to quite get that brass ring (whether it be breaking out in films or keeping a beau). It's almost as if she's the bridesmaid and never the bride and I can't quite figure out why. I studied her during the film and she does have something magical going on behind those eyes that she hasn't completely figured out yet. She's holding something back and hasn't given it her all yet. When she does (whether it be as a leading actress or in her personal relationships), watch out because she's going to surprise everyone with just how great she can truly be!

Write! Right?

2009-09-08T00:22:00.002-04:00

People think that writing is easy. I often use this illustration from the movie Get Shorty as an example of how incorrect that assumption is...

Mafioso Chili Palmer (John Travolta) and LA thug Bo Catlett (Delroy Lindo) are chatting about a potential script they both want a piece of. The machismo is thick in the room as both think they have something to bring to a potential award winning screenplay.

Chili: You know how to write one of these?

Bo: There's nothin' to know. You have an idea, you write down what you wanna say. Then you get somebody to add in the commas and shit where they belong if you aren't positive yourself. Maybe fix up the spelling where you have some tricky words...although I've seen scripts where I know words weren't spelled right and there was hardly any commas in it at all. So I don't think it's too important. Anyway, you come to the last page, write in "fade out" and that's the end...you're done.

Chili: That's all there is to it, huh?

Bo: That's all.

Chili sits forward, stabs out his cigarette, exhales into Bo's face...

Chili: Then what the fuck do I need you for?

I use this as an example only because that's how most people view writing.

"It's easy!", they say.

"You're not really working if you're typing words onto a page", they add.

Well it is work. And writers are always thinking about material. Most likely, they're studying your sorry asses for future material because not only what you say but how you say it could be fodder for future books, movies or even comedy skits!

I remember a time when a friend introduced me to an acquaintance of hers as he wanted to write movies. For a while, I tolerated his irritating penchant for capturing every word I uttered into his small notebook. After about a half an hour, I grabbed it and said, "Hey Rain Man, not every word is gold. Observe. Take a look around you and absorb small moments. They might prove to be more valuable than any phrases I might put forth."

Regardless, my point is that we're always watching...listening...observing...

...everything! ;)

However, even writers get stymied by life's little distractions (the usual banal workaday projects that are unrelated to our passions being one of them).

So my friend, co-worker and fellow scribe Sarah and I have decided to collaborate on an experiment. We're going to start a story that has no direct impetus. We don't have a title, a clear understanding of where we're going with it, and no ending in sight.

The story

Like you, the reader, we're wondering where this little endeavor might lead. Hope you enjoy the ride as much as we do! We'll both be posting it on our websites. Mine is at the top of my normal list to the right. Here's her blog which I recommend you check out as she strives to publish her first novel:

I Write

We're going to switch off and add to the story until it reaches some type of ending. Perhaps it's an exercise in futility. Maybe it will be a published novel. But in the end, it's designed to help us plug away at what we love to do best.

And that's to write...right? ;)

Drawing forth

2009-09-02T22:50:00.004-04:00

30 Years Ago

A feeling of utter fatigue ravaged my entire body and I laid nearly dormant on the couch. After a few days of not eating, I was taken to the hospital where I was diagnosed with pneumonia. The doctor recommended that I be admitted immediately.

Since I grew up around hospitals (hell, I was born in one ;) ), I didn't see it as that big a deal. I used to stop after school when it was possible for children to walk the streets and not get abducted by some weirdo on the way home. (Either that or it just wasn't that important a news story to the media back then.)

Anyway, I went in and I should have known there was a problem when the nurse went to draw blood and didn't hit the vein...twice. I recall issuing the decree that the next chance was her last chance...somehow she got it. Guess the third time really IS the charm!

At that point, I wasn't fearful of needles.

Then came the insertion of the IV.

Let me tell you that the human body isn't receptive to receiving a concentrated dose of potassium all at once. How do I know this? Because as soon as it was administered, severe pain shot up and down the entire length of my body...on the inside.

Quizzically, the nurses (and my mom, who was also a nurse) asked me what was wrong.

Pain. Excruciating. All over. Ow.

Oh...they forgot to shake the bag of fluid up first. Just a slight problem that might have killed me. No harm, no foul, I suppose.

9 Years Ago

I was again feeling a bit fatigued and decided to go to the doctor's. They wanted to draw blood and, of course, it was a fasting test so I had to avoid any nutrients whatsoever for 12 hours. What I lacked in food and drink intake, I made up for with abject fear. For some odd reason, I became terrified of needles. Can't imagine why...

I went into the office and, even in the preparation of drawing blood, I turned my head so that I wouldn't have to take eve the slightest gander at the proceedings. All would have been well until...

The nurse decided to bring the vials into view.

The next image I saw was four nurses standing over me while I sat in the chair, waking up. I knew that it wasn't a dream because they would have been hotter nurses, scantily clad with cleavage spilling out. Instead, they were all in their 50s or older. I'd passed out, mostly from fear, but also the end result of seeing the blood.

5 Years Ago

It was time for the dreaded surgery. Although it was only to place a tube in my ear due to annual painful earaches, I still had to have blood drawn once again before going under. This time, I warned them about my penchant for slipping unconscious when a metallic object is inserted into my open vein. They heeded my advice and let me lie on a table. This time I was woozy but didn't really pass out. I did, however, have to lay there for a bit afterward.

This time, they had trouble finding a vein but were eventually successful in locating one. I remember thinking, "Wow. Good thing they didn't have to go in through the one in my hand as I sometimes see in movies and on TV because then I would really freak!"

Guess where the IV went for surgery?

I made it through that, though (obviously since I'm writing this), but not without flexing my hand to kind of get used to it and feel the pinch. It was not a pleasant feeling.

Today

Went for a check up last week and the doctor wanted blood work done.

Last night, I was supposed to fast beginning at 10:45 as it would have been exactly 12 hours before my blood was to be drawn.

However, since I last ate at around 6, I thought it might be wise to not fast for 18 hours since that fear level ramps up my ability to take immediate, unplanned naps when undergoing that procedure.

I decided to have some Pepsi and just a few chips with con queso dip. My mom remarked that I shouldn't be eating when I have to fast. What? Is the physician going to be concerned with the sudden spike in my nacho cheese level? Is the remedy for that a nice balance of salsa? I highly doubt that a few chips will send the lab into code red.

So today I trudged to the office, vein in arm, and really wasn't fearful. I suppose I've become somewhat desensitized to the whole ordeal. I know it's not a terrible process and that my fear overwhelms me more than anything else, but it's becoming easier to deal with.

Perhaps it's just a way of letting old fears slip away. Maybe I've realized over the past few years that emotional pain causes more damage than just a little pinprick and I'm becoming comfortably numb to being jabbed with needles. Or maybe flipping those cadavers a few years ago had some effect on truly desensitizing me.

Cadavers, you ask? Well, that's a story I may draw forth at another time. ;)

Metal to the pedal and the thing to the floor!

2009-09-01T00:05:00.003-04:00

I'm beginning to feel like the quest to complete what I need to get done before I reach LA is not unlike the Bandit, Frog and Cledus racing to get that Coors back from Texas to Atlanta!

However, instead of a singular Buford T Justice in hot pursuit, I've got time, wanting to make money at something I enjoy doing and, in reality, the lack of interest in anything else to do career wise breathing down my neck.

So it's time to take a cue from that title line used in the film and get this diesel truckin' toward reaching that goal. As I make the current work situation segue from full time back to part time, I realize that my priorities are shifting rapidly to enable me to achieve said goal. I've never been one to rearrange things to accommodate one priority, but, in my old age, I'm learning to focus on what I need most in order to have at least some of the other things I want out of life.

I'll still be here, commenting on the world at large, observing the peculiarities and foibles of everyday life and connecting with others, but with less time overall. I need to devote more time to writing and shaping what hopefully are good things to come.

I think it's all starting to come together...watch this space for updates!

40 Things I've Learned

2009-08-26T23:46:00.004-04:00

Two years and another blog ago, I took a cue from Esquire magazine and published a list of "38 Things I've Learned" based on their featured monthly article. Last year, I featured 39 meaningful song lyrics that comprise the soundtrack of my life.

Since I turn 40 Thursday, I thought it best to update that original list of things I've learned a bit (some are from my previous one which only a handful have read so many of you will be going in fresh)...hope you enjoy!

The Declaration of Independence's second paragraph contains a fallacy. Not all men (and for the PC, "people") are created equally. Let's stop pretending that we are.
Solicit advice but know when to use it, save it for later or politely discard it. It all comes down to how much experience the person giving it has as well as how it applies to you in particular.
Time goes a lot faster than you think. Never waste it.
Two of the best lines about what you haven't considered in regard to the opposite sex come from songs. One for the women: "See the man with the lonely eyes, oh take his hand, you'll be surprised" ("Give A Little Bit", Supertramp)...and one for the men: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." ("Extraordinary", Liz Phair)
I know that no matter how bad things get, my dog will always love me unconditionally and may very well be the only one happy to see me.
Technology is supposed to bring people together but does so in the most superficial of ways. Nowadays, even relationships and personalities are reduced to soundbytes.
Speaking of technology, stop updating us on what you're doing every moment of the day. No one really gives a damn. Whatever happened to sharing the important things in life?
Idealism is a wonderful thing because it causes us to look at things from a different perspective. However, you have to remember to keep it and your dreams intact whenever that big mallet of reality beats them down like you're in a life size "Whack A Mole" game.
Everyone has some sort of weird superpower at their disposal. Mine are making wristwatches stop so they're rendered useless and easily finding holes in crowds to make my way through even faster. Hey, I didn't say they were exciting...
Sometimes you have to visit the places you've been to find out how far you've come.
If you go to bed angry and wake up intertwined with your significant other, chances are things will be ok. If separation and a couch is involved at any point, there's trouble ahead.
You can't judge a book by its cover, but more often than not, it's pretty easy to glance inside and see that it's the same old story.
Titles never impress me. It's the people behind them that have to earn the respect.
"Book smarts" will only get you so far. It's the applied knowledge combined with common sense that will help you get through life.
Having faith in something will get you through difficult times. Absolute faith in something will usually make things worse. Just look at where religious zeal has gotten humanity...we'll always be at square one.
Everyone eventually sells out. So far either no one's met my price or I'm not really that hot a commodity.
I'd much rather have conversations with people who know a little about everything than those who only know one thing well or nothing at all.
Never collect anything or value's sake. Enjoy it as a hobby and if it makes you some cash later, great. If not, don't fret it.
There's someone out there for everyone. The scary thing is that morons are finding each other faster and reproducing at an alarming rate.
Only 5 movies have made me cry and they're probably not the ones you think they are.
Courtesy, civility and common sense have pretty much gone out the window in America.
Don't take life too seriously, because when you think about it, it's not taking you seriously.
Answers to many questions can be found in the arts whether it be prose, paintings, pictures or song. You just have to find that serendipitous moment when the ability to listen coincides with the message being sent.
No matter how much you try to force it down our throats, Americans are just not interested in soccer or dollar coins...so please stop trying!
I used to see older people sitting alone in restaurants and feel bad for them, thinking they had no one in their lives. As the years passed for me, I started to realize that the majority of those people were just tired of others' shit and just needed to be alone.
Not every relationship is supposed to last but they all had better teach you something about yourself.
Funny thing about relationships...when you're young and genuine, you want the people that probably aren't good for you...the types that lie, cheat and completely devastate you. Later in life, these same types come around again after repeatedly being let down and are searching for the nice person you were years back but are surprised to find that you've become so cynical and jaded when they're the ones that made you that way in the first place.
Every man needs to be a combination of Rick Blaine from Casablanca and Bugs Bunny meaning you should have a quiet, heroic nobility about you with a strong dash of wanting to instigate and stir the pot every now and again.
Learn to cook because at some point, there won't be anyone around to do it for you.
I've seen so many women lately with tattoos on their upper boob. Stop doing that. You may think it's sexy but think about the type of men it attracts. Is that what you're gunning for?
One of the best lines ever about how men should be comes from Say Anything: "The world is full of guys. Be a man."
There's something about crisp fall weather in the Northeast that nothing else beats. Other than the month of October, it's really pretty dreary overall.
No matter what, doing what you truly love in life outweighs money you might make from something you don't.
Some people are afraid to go anywhere alone. I don't understand that. You'll usually meet some of your best friends that way.
It's amazing how times have changed. In Julius Caesar, Shakespeare wrote the following about Cassius: "He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous." It's sad that it's gone to the other end of the spectrum. In modern day, the people who don't think are the most dangerous.
TV has far surpassed movies in terms of quality entertainment. I'd rather spend 12-22 weeks with characters I want to care about rather than seeing vacuous people running from explosions for under two hours.
Everyone needs to set aside moments of the day for "me" time. With the constant barrage of information and imagery we get per day (as well as dealing with others), alone time becomes a luxury we have to afford ourselves.
In regard to that last thought, I wonder if people who suffer from multiple personality disorders ever get any quality alone time?
The best laughter comes from life's little absurdities.
Never have any regrets about anything you've done. Use them as a learning tool to avoid future mistakes.

Have a great weekend everyone!

FBI's Moderately Wanted

2009-08-25T23:02:00.002-04:00

Ah distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak Cleveland November of 2001 when the Federal Bureau of Investigation most likely turned its head in my direction.

A friend of mine was living in Rochester, New York and I was mulling over a change of residence. He suggested I send him a resume as he knew a lot of people in the area. I did...and as a thank you, I also forwarded a copy of Playboy with Brooke Burke on the cover as he was pretty smitten with the lass.

On the bubble wrap mailer, I wrote his name and address as well as my return information. In addition, I thought it would be fun to include a movie related joke to see if he would recognize it.

So, at the bottom of the mailer, I inscribed the following:

"January 2002 crop reports. Attention Clarence Beaks!"

I thought it would be a kick to see if he could place that from the movie Trading Places.

So, I sent it off near the beginning of the month and awaited the phone call.

And waited, and waited...

Until finally, I called him and asked if he received it. Nope.

It was starting to gnaw at me as to why that hadn't arrived yet.

Finally, shortly after Thanksgiving, he called to say that he had gotten it but failed to mention my joke on the front. So I had to bring it up.

There was nothing written on the front. In fact, he said that the mailer was not made of bubble wrap and the entire front had been typed and not handwritten.

Now who would mess with my mail?

Apparently the authorities as it had completely slipped my mind that around that time, there were rumors floating about that terrorists were going to decimate parts of the population by releasing whatever deadly gas was en vogue at the time.

WHOOPS!

I could just see in my mind's eye, some rookie Fibbie trying to make a name for himself, poring over the contents of my resume and Playboy issue and feverishly trying to uncover some type of diabolical plan. When his partner, the seasoned vet, returned from lunch sipping his coffee, he most likely peered down and remarked, "That's from Trading Places", and walked away smiling.

You think that would be the end of my postal escapades...but you'd be wrong!

Flash forward a few years.

While still in the land of Cleve, I received a magazine from my future roomie. It was Cigar Aficionado which featured an article on Francis Ford Coppola. So, again, to thank him, I sent the following: a hardcover edition of the book Skin City (about the porn industry in Vegas), an article I clipped out featuring an interview with Brian Michael Bendis (former Clevelander and comic book writer who railed against the terrible winters in the city), a page of escorts with one that he had visited twice circled in red and a tie with Darth Maul on it (he'd mentioned he needed a tie for something and that was the cheesiest one I could find).

As always, I encased it all in a bubble wrap mailer, wrote the exact address on it that he had provided on his envelope and mailed it off.

Again I was excited about the package chock full of goodies arriving at his doorstep, wondering what his reaction would be. Again, disappointment followed as it didn't arrive for quite some time.

I couldn't imagine why the authorities had pulled the mail a SECOND time because this, too, arrived in a different envelope with typewritten address information.

I hadn't added any funny commentary this time and even he didn't know why they saw fit to go through my package.

That is, until...

I read back the exact address he provided for himself. He started laughing when I mentioned that I had put "Basin City, Nevada" as part of the address.

That was from the movie Sin City...

WHOOPS!

This time, I envisioned the Fibbie (now a few years on the job) tearing open the package and spreading each item out, trying diligently once again to scan each word with a magnifying glass and, with much futility, trying to figure out how the Darth Maul tie fit into the nefarious plans (me being older and wiser too, of course). Then I saw the even more seasoned vet just shaking his head and laughing once again.

What jarred this memory tonight was when a co-worker happened upon a copy of The Anarchist's Cookbook and I mentioned that I could never buy that.

For many reasons as you now well know. ;)

Separated at birth?

2009-08-21T23:22:00.004-04:00

Even though I finished the book weeks ago, I've left Waiter Rant on my Shelfari list (to the right) because I wanted to find the time to write my thoughts on it.

First of all, I cannot recommend this book enough! Thought provoking, witty, sad (in places) and always lively, this book is a cross between Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain (only for the front of house restaurant workers) and almost anything by David Sedaris.

Perhaps you've never worked in the service industry; or, maybe you have. Regardless of your status, you'll wholeheartedly enjoy this autobiographical tale which paints a very real picture of those who toil away to make a living as well as those customers they depend upon for their livelihood.

I can also recommend the book because, on a more personal level, the author and I are very similar. Toward the end of the tale, he expresses not only his disdain for his current life (after having been referred to as "the sad man in the window" at one point during his restaurant tenure) but the sheer apprehension (and quite possibly even abject fear) that plagues him regarding a writing career. He felt that maybe he wasn't quite good enough and, if he failed, wondered how he would be able to continue having been rejected and forced to go back to a job that was wearing him down.

The book not only provided me with an entertaining read, but hope...the feeling that if he could do it, so can I.

And everything lately that I happen to read points to me shaking the dung off that's clustered on my life and really points to something new...a different direction.

Like this which I happened to spot in a paper I never read. I just glanced at it because I was bored at lunch:

Free Will Horoscope for week of Aug 20th

I know that those are for fun and meaningless. But it's just odd that ALL of those lately are saying the same thing.

Anyway, you can read more from the author of Waiter Rant here.

But do yourself a favor and pick up the book. It's well worth your time!

P.S. I also wish I wouldn't start some of these posts late at night when I'm at first full of energy, then, after walking the dog, getting ready for bed and returning to conclude it, I lose tremendous amounts of steam and finish haphazardly (or so it seems). Goodnight everyone! ;)

Stress Fracture

2009-08-20T11:08:00.003-04:00

Like most men, I usually don't visit the doctor unless there's a spear through my chest or something else of a pertinent nature arises.

But...since I'm now covered with health insurance I figured that it might be time to see the family physician and have him take a gander at anything that might have cropped up in recent years.

Since I'm a new patient to him, I had to fill out a questionnaire detailing medical history, etc. Maybe I haven't been to the doctor's in a while, but I couldn't help but notice some particularly odd questions...

What is your main cause of stress?

Of course I immediately checked off work and home!

Is there a threat of domestic abuse?

Does mental abuse by a crazy family count? Can I go into the "family relocation program" if that's the case? Or do I just have to continue dealing with the stress and allow the medical industry to medicate me into oblivion?

And this final question kind of made me stop and think...

Do you feel safe at home?

There was no place to expand upon that other than checking "yes" or "no" so I eventually checked "yes" after laughing (not really out loud, but enough so that anyone watching would think there was something wrong with me). I almost wanted to write in the margins, "with minor reservations".

So far, everything checked out ok (though I still have to succumb to the dreaded needles for blood work). Since I last visited a health care related facility last year (a Walgreen's clinic as it was less of a wait time and probably better care than I would have received at that HMO place which would have accepted my insurance) for an earache, I found that my blood pressure has come down and that I've shed over 30 pounds.

What's funny about that last part is that I've noticed the weight loss since I had no loops left on my belt and had to buy a new one and that my pants are bunching up around the waist. Even a woman at work asked if I was losing weight and I said yes. She followed her inquiry up with probably the best question that applied to my situation.

"Are you on the high stress diet?"

Yes...yes I am. Between work demands, dealing with a crazy family and being blamed on both fronts from everything encompassing a global recession to being unable to locate red pepper flakes, it's taken its toll.

Unfortunately, until I succeed in fixing things, every time I walk into either place, I have to ask myself...

Yet, I still go in.

A recent horoscope said that I have to "fix my life".

Now I just need some psychological splints to mend that fracture.

Soon...very soon. ;)

Eerie how apropos this is

2009-08-16T21:36:00.004-04:00

Today's horoscope...

With all the recent thinking about your goals and what you need to do in order to have the life of your dreams, you're just plain old tired of living in the future. Unfortunately, nostalgia isn't healthy now either. Instead of worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, methodically keep bringing your thoughts back to today. When you can keep your mind focused on the here and now, you'll also be closer to being happy.

Well, I don't know if that's necessarily the case, however.

See, my friend and I talk about a friend of his that we've aptly named "Bad Movie Guy". He likes bad movies, hence the moniker.

Here's an example:

While visiting Bad Movie Guy at home one time my friend remarked that he had a VHS copy of Goodfellas (this was several years ago, mind you) to which Bad Movie Guy replied, "It was...until I taped over that piece of garbage".

I'm not certain, but I think it was a Steven Seagal movie he replaced it with...get the drift now?

Anyway, Bad Movie Guy doesn't really want much out of life. He's fine with his moderately paying job, watches bad movies and pretty much stays put. He has few aspirations and just doesn't care, really.

My friend and I can't help but discuss how blissfully happy he seems.

That happiness escapes us...perhaps it's because we want more out of life?

So when I read that horoscope, I tend to think that it's telling me to go the route of Bad Movie Guy and try to be content with my situation.

Which I can't, of course, so that creates quite the conundrum.

Or does that passage mean that I shouldn't worry about the future because it will come eventually and not to focus on it right now?

Does the fact that I tend to over analyze a stupid, meaningless horoscope make me the perfect poster boy for a Virgo?

I think I need to just go and watch Mad Men.

Maybe that's the "here and now" that will make me happy...

...if only for a fleeting moment.

Which these days, I'll take. ;)

Wants vs. Needs Part II (sans Electric Boogaloo)

2009-08-15T00:26:00.003-04:00

How apt that my week would bookend nicely with two posts of the same title but with two different takes on the subject.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm fighting the same battle with people here that I did while living in Vegas. See, I've noticed that as the years have gone by, more and more people tune out what they need to hear in favor of what they want to hear.

Excellent case in point occurred a few days ago.

My boss had called me in to explain some new sales tracking that we were going to be doing in the future. After that explanation was done, a jarring segue was made into my performance and the low sales numbers in terms of memberships.

I explained that I pitch the idea to everyone but many customers have remarked to me that they simply don't have the discretionary cash they once had because of the recession. As a result, non-essential items need to go.

I can understand that, yet I just make them aware of what we have to offer in case they change their mind.

Apparently, that's not good enough.

As I explained the pitfalls of the GLOBAL RECESSION and its affect on the purchasing power of the individual, my boss' face turned a deep shade of crimson, her eyes bulged and I thought at one point that she was going to cover her ears and scream "LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

She even admitted that when I start talking, "filters come down" and she tunes out what I'm saying because anything I had to offer was an "excuse" and not a reason.

So when do reasons become valid? Is it when they're something you want to hear and until then, they're dismissed? Should we lie to people instead of telling them what they need to hear or is it not worth the time since they're not going to listen anyway?

Look, I'm fully aware that pressure is probably coming from above as well for her, but one of my pet peeves is having my feelings, intelligence and opinions cast aside. And to add insult to injury, she acted like a petulant child. At one point, I almost slipped and called her Veruca Salt.

What's funny is that it's not even on an individual level that you deal with this sort of behavior.

While reading about the town hall meetings, the blogs and the other "controversy" surrounding the health care reform proposals, one starts to realize that the need to hear what's true is easily dismissed by what people want to hear.

What people need to listen to are the facts.

What people want to hear is that stormtroopers will monitor your health and, when it becomes too expensive to heal you, they will march into your homes and turn you into Soylent Green with gestapo like tactics.

Why does no one want to listen anymore? Is it because they're mentally incapable of it? Are there not enough quality filters to drown out the louder voices that spout nonsense (which people tend to believe much more easily than the truth)? Or are we not mature enough to accept reality since we're spoon fed so much fantasy almost every waking moment of our lives?

At this point, I don't want to know why people act the way they do...I need to know!

It helps to deal with idiots even when I think I have them figured out. ;)

Ok...you've endured the soapbox lecture long enough so I can't withhold the pleasures of the Boogaloo! You've earned it!

Wants vs. Needs

2009-08-09T21:46:00.005-04:00

Can we be happy with things we have and not want for more?

Interestingly enough, I stumbled upon this article today in the local paper and found it timely because a friend and I have been emailing each other back and forth over the whole concept of wants and needs.

I'm still looking for an apartment and, as I've mentioned previously, there are three criteria that said apartment should meet--washer/dryer in suite, dogs accepted and central air.

The argument is that she defines these as wants rather than needs. To some extent, I agree.

In the most elementary sense, these are indeed wants. At the most basic level, all we really need is food and shelter, she said.

Well yes, that's true, but if that's really the case, why not just revert back to our primal selves and become hunter-gatherers? We could build an enclosure or find a cave and just stalk wild game! There would be no need to work because we wouldn't have to buy anything.

(Personally, I'd be all for this, but I'm not really into hunting animals.)

However, taking into account modern day conveniences and the fact that we do have to work, aren't we entitled to enjoy something in our lives?

Look, I'm not grasping beyond the stars here. It's not like I need a mansion replete with butlers, rooms aplenty, an indoor pool and for scantily clad women to feed me grapes while I lounge on pillows.

That I want!

However, to assuage my shattered nerves after a day of running around, dealing with either the oppressive heat or bitter cold (depending upon the season), engaging simpletons among the general public and trying to eke out a living while also pursuing my dream...

I need these things.

For my sanity and the sake of my soul, I need to come home to a temperature regulated apartment (I'm not really interested in a house and all the headaches it brings) where I can experience comfort and seclusion from the outside world at times; I need to live in a place where they accept pets (Jack's pretty much the only thing that's kept me sane the past 9 months); and I need a washer and dryer in my apartment because I've done the laundry room and even the laundromat route and, with my schedule, I just don't have the time to devote to carting piles of laundry around the building or city.

I also need a nice TV since that's part and parcel with what I do (in regard to the column I write) and want to do (in relation to pursuing my dream). I don't need an outlandish 50+ inch, state of the art plasma with a complete theater system, but I need something medium size where I can enjoy what I watch.

That's pretty much it. I'm a relatively simple guy in terms of necessities. Yes, it would be nice to hit the powerball or sell a script and reap the financial rewards to live a little more comfortably, but, in the long run, the former's probably not going to happen and the other might not.

So like in the article that was linked above, I completely understand what she and my friend are saying. Money doesn't buy happiness because the more we have, the more we want. There are certain things we want that we don't need.

But there are those things that we need that others see as wants. It all boils down to perspective.

Sometimes from my perspective in regards to my current situation, I can't even seem to reach the needs so wants are light years away.

Will even the simplest of needs make me happy? Yes. But part of being human is wanting more out of life (not necessarily material things) so I can't guarantee they will make me happy forever.

Happiness is a state of mind and it changes as our situation changes. It's learning to temper our wants and desires with reality to maintain a certain level of happiness.

I've done that because there are things that I want that, at this point, are pretty much unrealistic (given my situation). I've learned to slowly deal with either phasing them out or, in some cases, putting them low on my priority list.

Tomorrow is another day. So is the day after that. Things change and so do people.

What the shifting sands bring tomorrow is another tale of adventure and intrigue. That's why we get up in the morning. We need to believe that each day will be better and more rewarding than the last.

Or at least that's what we want...

;)

*The above cartoon is from Cat and Girl. I checked some of the others out. It's pretty funny!

You Can't Bring The Funny Without Experiencing The Pain

2009-08-04T16:34:00.004-04:00

There's a scene in the new Judd Apatow film, Funny People, where famous comedian turned actor George Simmons (Adam Sandler) is trying to fall asleep and wants struggling comedian Ira Walsh (Seth Rogen) to talk to him as he dozes off.

George prods him about his life and Ira admits that he changed his last name to Wright from Weiner because people mispronounced it when he was a kid (instead of the way it's supposed to be pronounced--which is WYner, people said WEEner) and he was teased mercilessly because of it. George remarks that it's the pain of enduring this taunting that drove Ira to want to be funny.

George, you see, is experiencing pain of his own. He's dying from a blood disease known as AML and he connects with Ira. He originally hires him to write jokes for his return to stand up but, in reality, he needs a friend--a real one that he can talk to. It seems that George has no genuine friends and has spent too much time being "Hollywood" that he feels disconnected from people. There's a lost love, estranged family and others that have suffered along the way.

George wants to make thing right again with everyone and he changes, revisiting his past, apologizing and reaching out to those he cares about.

At this point, Funny People is a four star movie and, although I detest reading reviews ahead of time so as not to ruin anything, I did glimpse one person calling it Judd Apatow's masterpiece. I had to agree.

Until...

Contrivances in the plot and a long, overly self indulgent set piece from the writer-director resulted in my feeling that I was no longer watching a story, but just another movie. As George reunites with what he feels is the lost love of his life, the film collapses and the believability it has taken great pains to create is stripped away. I no longer saw George Simmons, I saw Adam Sandler. I no longer invested myself in the fantastic tale, I started to distance myself from it. I ceased to see these people as real and saw them instead as stock movie characters.

As I thought about the film on the drive home, Joe Jackson's "Glamour and Pain" randomly shuffled into play on my iPod. And these lyrics reminded me of what I truly enjoyed most about the film...

"No one sees me fly
No one feels my pain
No one hears me cry
No one knows my name
It's glamour and pain
Glamour and pain"

The most interesting aspect of Sandler's George was the fact that he wanted to face dying with dignity and change his life for the better. He was reconnecting with the pain in a different way, still trying to preserve his "glamour" and make people laugh while agonizing on the inside. He wanted to be a better man...a better person...than he had been for a number of years. He wanted to reach out to people so that they could truly know him. The question is...does someone unfamiliar with himself have the capacity to allow others to look under the "glamour" and share the pain?

Had Apatow stuck with that part of the story, it would have made for a better movie overall. However, he veers into a territory that seems all too familiar with little that's special about it. It's still a 3 star film, but it very easily could have been 4 with Oscar nominations (including for Sandler based on the film's first half). At this point, I'll recommend it with reservations. You'll definitely enjoy it, but you may finding yourself checking your watch after an hour and 45 minutes.

Funny People brings the funny as well as the pain, but the pain you'll experience when you see what this film might have been may be too much to bear in the end.

Back...and to the left...

2009-08-01T11:16:00.002-04:00

It's rare that I'll venture out to the theater anymore to see a movie. Not only because there's very little out there of substance, but because I hate dealing with crowds.

The moviegoing experience isn't what it used to be because the general public lacks common courtesy. Talking, using cell phones, etc has become so accepted in society that it's driven true movie fans away from the theaters totally or at least banished them to earlier day screenings where the throng is thinned out.

So when I say that it's rare I go to the theater anymore, I can back it up by saying that the last movie I went to see was Star Trek back in May...on a Sunday morning. Before that, it was the Watchmen prior to leaving Vegas...on a Friday morning. The last weekend night show I attended was the Simpsons movie and that was just to get out of the condo to leave my roomie and Yoko alone together (which was before the dark day of her moving in).

Last night, I went to see The Collector.

There's something about a horror movie that lends itself to seeing it with a bigger audience. It's somewhat nice to get that communal experience with a group of people in a darkened room and being jolted in your seat with every shocking twist and turn.

That said, I think I enjoyed the film more than I should have due to that fact.

When entering the theater, the ticket taker (who was probably about 80), told us our theater was back and to the left.

I stopped short of adding..."Just like Kennedy's head!"...because frankly, I think he would have been none too pleased.

It's still "too early" for some people.

Anyway, the experience with the crowd wasn't as bad as I expected, though I did see some cell phone lights all aglow like lightning bugs in the dark.

And that's distracting.

But what I found more distracting was the overall execution of the film (yes, pun intended).

The Collector was stylish and well shot with a great performance by Sean Penn lookalike Josh Stewart. The filmmakers spent some time setting up his character's plight and goal and led us into the action wherein he's breaking into a house to steal a valuable gem (I think) but ends up having to save the family from the maniacal titular character.

Here's where things go a bit screwy.

Yes, at first the "cat and mouse" scenario was riveting but when you see what the Collector does to the house by way of rigging it with booby traps, you'll probably find yourself wondering how he had time to all that in just a few hours.

I'm also not one to expect a full revelation about what motivates a psychotic killer (and that's the reason I didn't fully enjoy Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween and refuse to see the Black Christmas remake since I loved the original so much) but it would be nice to perhaps hint at why he does what he does instead of tossing in a line like "He collects people!". In the end, the lack of reasoning pretty much made no sense. For example, the killer in Jeepers Creepers had a reason...the Collector...not so much.

It kind of reminded me of a screenwriting class I once took where a fellow student had a premise whereby people are trapped in an old house and the darkness kills them as the night wears on. Just darkness...nothing else. When asked by the instructor why it just kills people, he claimed that we never know. She responded with "But YOU have to know".

That's where I think the filmmakers went wrong. They didn't seem to know and it shows. So for an hour and a half, we're first set up with an interesting character, a good premise and then given a lackluster second half that amounts to nothing more than torture porn ala Eli Roth's Hostel (a film I hated except for the scene in the locker room where you come to understand the motivation behind why people enjoy killing others thanks to one of the businessmen).

When filmmakers toss away a perfectly good idea for a horror film and abandon substance in favor of style, it disappoints me.

Then again, perhaps we'll see the Collector fleshed out in the inevitable fourteen sequels that will ensue.

Now THAT makes me want to throw my head back and to the left in exasperation!

Dusting off the cobwebs...

2009-07-27T22:55:00.003-04:00

What you were supposed to see here was an image of a dusty, haunted mansion or even a dungeon covered with cobwebs. I tried several combinations of words on Google...

creepy cobwebs
haunted mansion cobwebs
dusty dungeon
haunted house cobwebs
spooky dungeon cobwebs
...and more...

...in order to locate one.

Do you see a picture? Ok, well neither did I. Nothing that even came close to finding something like what Dracula's castle or even the Munsters' home looked like.

Instead, I found photos of clean dungeons. CLEAN! Whatever happened to the old days of finding a picture of an old, run down, long abandoned dungeon or mansion? Every pic I found featured a photo of a dungeon that looked as if Jiffy Maids had just been there.

Are there no respectable deviant monsters living out there anymore?

Anyway, the original intent of the post was just to jot something down and let everyone know that I've been busy prepping my wares to peddle at the screenwriting fair like Simple Simon did with his pies (of course not at a screenwriting fair...that would be both poor planning and execution on his part).

I want to be completely ready to pitch these ideas in LA this year and, even though it's only three months away, time has a way of moving quickly. As a result, it seemed the blog hadn't been lived in for a while and might need some tending to...but it's clean as a whistle just like that dusty mansion!

Of course, now I'm preoccupied with finding a cobwebbed room in a mansion...like I need more stress!

;)

Smiles Across The Miles

2009-07-21T00:35:00.003-04:00

No, it's not a sequel to "Ferry Cross The Mersey", the mid 60s' top 10 hit by Gerry and the Pacemakers (though it might not be a bad idea)...

..it's something that has to do with the only real laugh I had all day.

I had texted my friends in Vegas to make sure they read the article about the city's economic woes in today's Wall Street Journal. One of my friends (Brian, who works at Morgan Stanley), replied that he had skimmed it but planned to read the rest when he got home.

In my message back, I told him that I saw Morgan Stanley's stock price was up about 75% and added "no doubt, largely due to you, my friend".

He replied that he was like a "human stimulus package" for the company.

So I offered him this piece of advice...

"I would suggest you confidently walk into your boss' office and DEMAND, not request, that you be pulled by rickshaw up and down Las Vegas Boulevard by lesser employees as demonstration of your worth to the company."

He laughed...then I laughed...mainly because it was kind of a twisted reference to a Seinfeld episode...

Probably not so funny to many of you, but, hey...that's all I've got! ;)

Oh, the places I went...

2009-07-17T00:46:00.005-04:00

"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin...
Do you dare to stay out?
Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
--"Oh The Places You'll Go", Dr. Seuss

I was badly in need of a good haircut and, honestly, there's only one of two people ever who cut my hair the way I like it.

However, I haven't seen one since my college days and I'm not driving 1500 miles to Milwaukee on the remote chance she might still be there after 20 years.

The other, as fortune would have it, is right here in Pittsburgh. What are the chances she'd still be at the same place?

Turns out, odds were in my favor (for once).

So I made an appointment and saw an old friend I hadn't seen in eight years. What's even weirder is that everyone else at the place was still there and remembered me.

So we chatted and caught up in the brief time we had.

Then things took a weird turn.

Another woman that worked there (who looked vaguely familiar), asked if I was Ed's son (since she noticed my last name on the computer). I said that I was. Then she told me that she used to cut my mom's hair when I was little. She remembered where we lived and it brought back memories for both if us.

I actually did remember her and her family. She told me that she's still friends with my dad (whom I've seen maybe a dozen times since my parents divorced 30 years ago)...

...and added that he's not doing well as his throat cancer has returned. She was trying to extol his virtues to me, telling me that he's a great guy and that I remind her a lot of him.

I mentioned the falling out we had about 15 years ago and I haven't seen him since. Then I added that I can understand why they got divorced since my mom isn't exactly the easiest person to get along with.

(Let's put it this way...Gandhi would take a swing at her.)

The woman thanked me because she thought that I'd take my mom's side in the whole ordeal. Hey...I know my mom pretty well. Love her to death but she's apt to cause trouble and sometimes act like a child when she doesn't get her way. Yelling is her way of "debating" an issue or discussing something.

Anyway...this woman mentioned that maybe it was meant to be--me coming back here at this point--to try and reconnect with him.

Of that I'm not so sure.

I mean, we've been estranged for years now. Besides, it's not like I want anything from him. Nor do I need to berate him or anything.

So I suppose what I'm wrangling with ultimately is...

What do I dare? To stay out or go in?

Is there anything to lose...or win?

In the end,

"I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today"
--"Blue Monday", New Order

So, self...how does it feel?

I don't know...so far, not one way or the other...

Maybe I shouldn't have come back where the windows are so dark...

A pox on me?

2009-07-13T00:05:00.003-04:00

I remember New Year's Eve 1994 vividly.

I was in a hotel room with my then girlfriend spending a nice, quiet (semi ;) ) relaxing night. As the night went on, I felt an itch in the center of my chest. It really started to irritate me because it wouldn't go away. I chalked it up to maybe being a bug bite.

When I went into work the next morning, I felt really run down...listless...fatigued. It occurred to me that I might be getting a touch of the flu.

Nah...couldn't be that simple.

It turned out to be...

Yep...Chicken Pox!

I mention this only because, oddly enough, I have a little red mark that itches right now...in the center of my chest...and I'm feeling a bit run down...listless...fatigued.

Supposedly, you should be immune once you've had them.

Supposedly.

I just knew I shouldn't have accepted those blankets from people coming to the New World.

With the way my luck runs, I'm awaiting a full outbreak. Which strikes me as kind of funny since I was just thinking to myself the other day "Wow, I haven't really been sick since the fall of '06!"

Why is it that I can't think "Hey! I've never hit the lottery!" and have that come true?

There's old in them thar hills!

2009-07-11T21:02:00.004-04:00

I hope everyone enjoyed my imitation of an old prospector. If you didn't, I would have gotten away with it if not for those meddling kids!

Anyway, I've been back little over four months now and forgot how...dull...Pittsburgh is.

Don't get me wrong...it's nice to deal with friendlier people, but the hilly topography of Pittsburgh also finds the denizens (and overall outlook on life) to be...well...old.

People here are pretty much set in their ways and the town rolls up the streets at midnight (at least in the suburbs). Maybe I've been spoiled by Vegas.

Ok...no maybe...I have been.

This town is a tad too conservative for me. Not that I'm some wild, party guy, but it would be nice to have something different to do once in a while and people to do it with that can stay out later than 11pm without having to get home to the kids.

And the people that aren't married...which is about 1% of the people I know...live too far away and can't seem to find their way out to my neck of the woods to go out.

I know it's tough to travel to and fro but I've done it a few times...all I ask for is some reciprocation...is that so wrong? Lol.

Again, I guess since places in Vegas were central to everyone, it made it easier to meet up and just have a good time without anyone having to travel a distance.

It's just difficult making the transition from being completely unfettered in every way with a myriad of choices to...the mundane and being restricted by what the city has to offer.

"What has happened to it all
Crazy some'd say
Where is the life
That I recognize

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive"
--Ordinary World, Duran Duran

Or at least until I hit that Powerball and move to where the fun is without being hampered by idiots like Yoko and the general public! ;)

Your Emergency Is Scheduled For Thursday

2009-07-07T21:34:00.003-04:00

Jack needs to be groomed so I went ahead and made arrangements last week.

When I previously took him, I contacted them late and was forced to arrange an appointment for later in the afternoon which really cuts into my plans for the day.

This time I had it all worked out. I made the appointment for 9am and figured that while he's there (usually about 2-3 hours), I would go to the gym and run some errands. I'd pick the shorn little scamp up and then we'd head back to be home by 1pm.

While at work today, I noticed I had a voicemail from Petsmart. My first thought was that they mixed up the days and had him down for today. However, when I listened to it, here's what I heard...

"Hi, we're calling to see if you can reschedule your appointment for noon on Thursday as Jim has an emergency in the morning and won't be able to make it at 9am."

Really?

One of those scheduled emergencies, huh? I wasn't aware that you could do that! I wish that sometimes I could schedule emergencies just because it's nice to have a heads up a few days early.

I'm going to have to look into developing an itinerary whereby I arrange my events to revolve around impending doom. Wonder if there's money in that?

Then when I got home, I happened to notice that Southwest was offering some great rates on flights (through an article on AOL). I had already booked my flight into Vegas (and will be driving to LA to pitch some ideas) in October but I was curious to see if the prices had changed.

Of course they had! In fact, I could now save at least $100 on the trip altogether.

What I was dismayed about was the fact that my confirmation stated that the tickets were non refundable.

Quite the pickle.

So I was able to rearrange my flights to grab the new pricing ($180 + taxes round trip) but had to push the extra funds into an account for future use. Personally, I'd rather have the $100 in my pocket but at least it gives me an excuse to take another trip somewhere by June of next year.

Finally (and perhaps the greatest travesty of the day), I had a great line to use at work but no one chomped at the bit.

I was working on the bookmark display and, of course, customers chose that particular time to express a genuine interest in them, preventing me from completing the task efficiently.

At one point, I was trying to fill an empty space with some that I had in my hand as a woman perused the section. When she stepped away, I moved back to refill the slot with "cutesy" bookmarks. I was hoping she would be curious enough to ask what type I had on me so that I could reply...

"Ladybugs and teddy bears. Coincidentally, the title of my autobiography."

But she never asked...

Guess I'll have to save it for another time. ;)

Complex dreams and simple meanings

2009-07-06T20:43:00.007-04:00

"Eliminate physical clutter. More importantly, eliminate spiritual clutter."
--D.H. Mondfleur

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
--Confucius

I couldn't wait to get my hands on the book. From what I'd heard, it was something which few had read and was an extremely rare find. It was almost the stuff of legends.

Contained within the pages were promises of untold knowledge and would serve to illuminate the reader on many of the mysteries of the world.

It had finally come in but with a caveat that I might not like what I discovered.

I started to read the book with great enthusiasm, poring over every page to glean understanding of the world around me. Yet, when I went out into the public, the world had become twisted and warped to me and I no longer saw the wonders of each day for they had been stripped bare.

A stranger approached me after noticing what I was reading. Again, he issued a warning to stop before it was too late. He implored me not to finish the book because it drove many to a madness from which they would never recover.

I wanted to scoff at him but felt that there was something to his candor. He begged me to follow him...to see what the book had done to others whose curiosity got the best of them.

When my eyes gazed upon the horrors, I recoiled in fear and disgust. Souls who had scratched at their eyes to gouge them out wandered blindly around the room, blood oozing from the sockets. Their wails and shrieks pierced my ears and made me want to scream.

It was at that point I realized that I had to rid myself of that tome that contained not just lies and deceit, but also the bitter truth.

Before the madness took firm root and destroyed me...

Yep...that's the kind of dream that I get when begging the universe for an answer...lol.

I asked any higher power who was listening to give me a sign on how I might be happier.

You see, I've been reading a lot lately. Books, yes, but I try to pick up as many magazines as possible to gain understanding of world events so I can speak intelligently on a subject. Plus, I like to be informed, generally.

But in the long run, what does it matter?

Usually I don't run into many people who even chat about world events so why should I bother wasting my time on gaining different perspectives on subjects? Most either turn a blind eye to everything, have their own unwavering opinions which makes it difficult to have even the simplest discourse with them and others simply don't care.

So why bother?

And in waking and remembering that dream, I almost immediately knew what it meant. In fact, the first thing that came to mind was a pivotal scene from the movie Tucker: A Man And His Dream.

Preston Tucker and his associate Abe are meeting with a senator who offers cryptic conversation regarding Tucker's entry into the automotive industry. Tucker had just blasted the big three and the senator offers a veiled threat to him...

Senator: "Quite an idea of yours...selling dealerships for cars that don't exist. You remember that song? Music goes round and round...oh, oh, oh...and comes out here. The 'big three' should be indicted for manslaughter, huh? Funny line."

Tucker (perplexed, to Abe): "What was that all about? What did he say? Did he say anything?"

Abe: "He said...'Stay out of the car business'."

Tucker's designs revolutionized the auto industry but he never made a name for himself. Acquitted of charges of fraud, his career was over. His idealism had been met with resistance and that was the end of his company. The dream was dead.

Maybe knowing too much about the world and idealism is my "car business".

The dream was the universe's way of telling me to get out....before it's too late.

Or maybe it was something I ate...lol.

So in any case, I'm moving toward simplifying things. From small things like eliminating things and people from the past (i.e. deleting phone numbers, e-mail addresses, blog sites) that are just distractions and time wasters and hold no importance for me to larger issues like focusing on final preparation for my LA pitches in three months, I'm trying to streamline life in general.

Time to rid my life of clutter and make things less complicated.

Let other people worry about the car business...I'm trying to build the business of "me"!

What you are about to see is true...

2009-07-03T00:47:00.004-04:00

Just finished reading Denis Leary's book, Why We Suck (it's pretty funny but would play better in stand up) and laughed out loud when I came across this picture.

It pretty much sums it up (though the 1967 Red Sox thing is interchangeable as Leary freely admits). What made me chuckle the most was the "Great Sandwiches I Have Eaten" as there's a joke about that between me and one of my best friends.

You see, there was a place here in Pittsburgh where they used to serve the best cheesesteaks either of us have ever had--Charlie's in Oakland, right near Pitt campus.

Eateries like this are hard to come by nowadays and this place has been close for several years now. They had old concert posters up on the wall, plush, comfortable seats and served iced tea in mason jars. The decor was perfect for a college campus.

But oh how the cheesesteaks would rock your world!

We used to order a whole one each along with a basket of freshly cut fries and it was outstanding!

My friend said that he was out with a group of people in Chicago one night and they were all talking about their biggest regret in life. Here was his...

"Well, my buddy and I were at this restaurant one night where we usually ordered a whole cheesesteak. For some reason I wasn't hungry and got the half. Of course my buddy admonished me immediately saying that I would regret it. I told him he was crazy...

But then, as I ate the last morsel of my half and saw him digging into his other portion, I realized that I'd made a poor decision...unwise, if you will. I lamented my choice but felt it was foolish to order another one at that point. So I remain sad over that."

And the group he was with offered him an array of puzzled looks as their regrets were about careers, relationships, money, etc.

When he relayed the story to me, I told him that he should have done it in a Christopher Walken voice to really hammer home the point as it sounds like a speech he would make in a movie.

So yes, sandwiches are an important part of our thought process. ;)

Not as much as the rest, however!

That trumps a great sandwich anyday...well...most days...depends on the woman...depends on the sandwich!

Dysfunction Junction

2009-06-28T19:35:00.005-04:00

As many of you know, I'm currently staying with family as I search for an apartment. People wonder why it takes so long to find one and why I'm not out of here just yet.

Well, the reality is that moving hinges upon many things...

First I have to find a place that will take pets...then I absolutely MUST have an apartment with central air as the summers here are muggy and the winters sometimes unbearably cold (though I'm doing everything I can to nudge global warming along ;) )...the place also needs to have a washer and dryer in suite as I don't do laundromats and can't stand a laundry room (have done both and both suck).

Oh, finally (and perhaps most importantly), I need to find a location that provides somewhat of a clear route to wherever it is I'm working so that I can successfully avoid the PA state bird...

The infamous orange cone...

So far I've looked online and found two...both kind of far from where I'm working now. Let's put it this way...I live less than 10 minutes from work and it often takes me 40 minutes to get there thanks to the high volume of bridge traffic. Imagine how long it would take me from the other locations...probably a good hour or so.

But I need to find something...and rather quickly...

My family's nuts.

I won't go into to much of it but suffice it to say that they fall just short of the richly described characters in an Augusten Burroughs novel.

This example only scratches the surface, but today I noticed that my TV column had almost (as of this writing) 9,000 hits...in monetary terms, that's about $90. Not bad for a short article about the death of Billy Mays.

So I happened to mention it to my mom...

Me: "Glad you told me about the breaking news on Mays. I wrote an article about it and it made me more than the amount I've made writing for that site so far!"

Her (flatly, unimpressed): "Oh."

I almost had to stifle a laugh because the first sarcastic impulse I had was to sing Kenny Rogers' "She Believes In Me".

Granted, no one in my family might be fully aware of what I do on the computer, but I've explained before that it's similar to writing for a newspaper--just on the computer.

But in reality, I know that they basically don't care...or they just don't see me as a writer...

So that begs the question...what do they really think of me?

And it's not that I care. I'm not seeking approval since I know I'll never get that.

I seek knowledge...and to understand how they think.

Some parents want better for their children.

"Better" for me would be to be happy in what I'm doing.

Until then, I'll keep filling this out...

I'm nearly at bingo ;)

Quick Quips and Alarming Absurdities

2009-06-23T00:26:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I can't help but laugh...

Today at work, they mentioned that it's important to pay attention to the hours so that I don't go into overtime. I asked how much overtime I had last week, thinking that I couldn't have deviated too far from the schedule.

It was barely a half hour.

Now from a managerial standpoint, I know it's important to control costs, monitor payroll, etc. But when I crunched the numbers, I realized that it probably wasn't detrimental to a multi-million dollar corporation if they had to shell out...SIX DOLLARS!

I had this image of the CEO sitting on a pile of cash like Scrooge McDuck, yelling "There's no way in HELL we're letting this guy wet his beak like this. Read him the riot act!"

So the only way I can get through these days is by screwing with people...like...

1) I was in the magazine section when a woman approached me and said...

"Do you have Grace?"

Without pause, I replied...

"Yes...I have rhythm, style and flair too..."

2) A girl on her cell phone came in to pick up books that we had on hold. As I walked her down to the other end of the counter, she was obviously finishing up her conversation and said...

"I love you."

...while looking in my direction. When she snapper her phone shut, I said..

"Aww...I love you too. I know we haven't known each other but ten seconds but I could feel there was a connection."

She seemed perplexed.

3) I asked a woman paying for her books if she had a membership card. She abruptly cut me off with a "No!" I then asked if she was aware of it. Even before I completed the sentence, she again stopped me cold with a resounding "No!" I then said...

"Okaaaaay. Guess you're pretty adamant about that then."

She was obviously frustrated and said...

"How would you feel spending hours shopping with two girls?"

Without missing a beat, I added...

"Depends on how old the girls were."

At least it made the woman behind her laugh out loud...

Sometimes, at least I make other people laugh too!

The wisdom of movies: Bull Durham vs. The Godfather

2009-06-21T16:09:00.009-04:00

In these hot, summer months when baseball reigns (though it fails to reign over captivating me as much as it once did and I thank Bill Simmons for probably summing up the reason why in his latest article), I often think of the wisdom of movies rather than the "church of baseball".

"That's part of your problem. You haven't seen enough movies. All of life's riddles are answered in the movies."
--Davis (Steve Martin), Grand Canyon

To some extent, I think that's true and it even applies to TV, literature, music and many of the arts.

When something is amiss in life, I'll often recall a movie line that applies perfectly to the situation.

Lately, the one from Crash Davis in Bull Durham ("Don't think. It can only hurt the ball club.") has really been sticking in my brain and it's because I've always thought too much. I try to see every possible outcome in life, weighing the pluses and minuses until either the moment has passed me by or opting out of something because it's not what I originally intended for myself.

Sometimes I just need to let loose once in a while and see where the road takes me.

Of course, just when I consider that avenue, I recall Don Corleone's advice to Michael in The Godfather:

"It's an old habit. I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless but not men."

So then I need to consider that too. However, as the movie shows, Don Corleone could not have possibly foreseen (nor did he ever want or plan on) Michael's taking over of the family business. His desire to consider every option and be as careful as possible proved to be nothing more than an exercise in futility.

Maybe it's the silly notion of control that we all think we have over our lives. Maybe in that need to not be careless and to think things through, we miss out on fun in life.

Maybe Annie Savoy in Bull Durham was right when she said "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness."

When I wasn't working, I was not only more self aware, but also considerably informed on what was going on in the world. I'd read more newspapers, watch the news channels, have lively "spirited" discussions on politics and world events...

...and it did little more than make me miserable.

I then look around at people throughout my day who seem relatively unaware (aka blissfully ignorant) and they seem to be much happier than I. Of course, that could be my perception of it and I could be completely wrong about them.

But perception is reality.

Take last night for example when two completely unrelated incidents occurred.

The first happened while I was imbibing at Buffalo Wild Wings while watching a game. Four guys came in (from golfing I would assume since they were dressed for the occasion). All were pretty well lit and having a great time. They actually played good music and were joking around.

My first thought was "That's probably why I have yet to go golfing because I don't want to be like that."

Then I thought...why not? Why not just have fun once in a while? Of course I don't have to let myself get as bad as they were but it would be nice just to not think about things once in a while and be happy.

Later, while chatting with an old friend, I was reminded of not one, but two times fate intervened to prevent something really fun from happening about 9 years ago. Lol...suffice it to say, I won't go into detail about past events, but maybe had thinking not come into play, things would have turned out much differently. (Not thinking in the first of those two incidents certainly recalls a very pleasant memory. ;) )

Anyway, I think that of all the quotes bandied about (I so love that term...and you really can't "bandy" anything unless it's about...have you ever noticed that?), the ones from Bull Durham present the most sound advice.

Thinking too much has gotten me this far (which is pretty much back to square one)...so perhaps as I'm on the eve of turning 40, throwing caution to the wind and simply letting a lot of self awareness go is the best advice I can take.

There just might be something to this blissful ignorance (with a dash of being careful thrown in for good measure)! :)

Fight The Power (Outage)

2009-06-18T10:34:00.002-04:00

Eddie Rabbitt loves a rainy night. So do I to a certain extent.

Except when said rainy night causes massive power outages and I'm forced to sit in the dark.

My original plan for Wednesday night was to go out, enjoy some wings and perhaps even a few frosty libations to wind down from the past few days.

Nah. It seems that a horde of severe storms rolling through the area would put a kibosh on that.

Ok, then. Maybe I'll stay at home, relax and pop in a movie.

Sorry, pal.

The power went out at 8pm.

No phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury...it truly was as primitive as can be.

I would have even opted to read a magazine, newspaper, book...something! I didn't have my night vision goggles either so that was pretty much out of the question too.

The power came on shortly before 8am this morning and cable and internet just a few scant moments ago.

Just in time for me to have to start getting ready for work...

Maybe I can do something this weekend. Or not...

There are storms coming in. ;)

Snippets From The Trenches

2009-06-13T00:00:00.005-04:00

If careers could be compared to relationships, my fate would always to be with the slatternly little whore known as retail whereas the dream job of writer would be like some grand vision of pulchritude that always somehow seems to elude me.

So allow me to share with you some of my sordid tales.

(Let me preface by saying that it's not the job I mind, but the baggage that comes with it--the public. Like Randal quips in Clerks, "This job would be great if it wasn't for the f@#&ing customers.")

Encounter #1

A woman tells me that she doesn't have a membership and uses her grandfather's. So I ask for his phone number. She can't remember it. I then ask for the last name. That, she remembers, but is uncertain as to how to spell it. I ask for the first name. She knows that, so now we're batting .333. The fun comes when this little exchange ensues...

Me: "What's his zip code?"

Her: "561"

(I stand there waiting, looking at her and she at me.)

Me: "The rest of it?"

Her: "He lives on Thompson Street."

(You can probably toss in a huge, silent sigh right here by me.)

Me: "Ok, but I need the zip code."

Her: "561"

Me: "Does he live in Atlantis?"

Because (and correct me if I'm wrong) I don't know of any states that have a three digit zip. I figured he must be from a lost civilization where the numbers were a lot lower. Oh...she was giving me the area code...hmmm...well, had I wanted that, I would have ASKED FOR IT!

Encounter #2

Stop me if you've heard this...

An elderly woman walks in with her daughter. The theft detector beeps. I see the security guard leading the elderly woman around the detector. The daughter walks through the second set and beeps again. I start speaking...

Me: "Oh. Are you wearing something from the Gap or Old Navy because it tends to--"

Her: "I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about my mom who has a pacemaker."

She looks at me as if I have some strong telekinetic power to twist the very foundation of the store around to accommodate her mom so that she doesn't have to pass through the second set which are firmly rooted in the floor. When I tell her that she can't possibly get around the other ones, she says, "Well that's a nice lawsuit."

I kind of wanted to mention that not only could every potential thief claim to have a pacemaker to avoid the detectors, but also that perhaps some medical professional should have informed her where she could and could not go...but I left it alone (accompanied by voices in my head telling me to kill).

Encounter #3

I hadn't even finished unlocking the door today when this nifty bit of social interaction occurred.

Old Lady: "I thought you opened at 10."

Me (slightly baffled): "We do."

Old Lady: "Well it's ten after."

Me: "It's 10:02."

Old Lady: "No it's not."

And she stormed by me as I peeked at my cell which clearly read 10:02.

I should have known it was going to be a grand old day when I came back in from taking a shower to find that the dog peed on the floor and also hit my comforter.

Encounter #4

Later that day (today if you're paying attention), I was outside on a break enjoying a fine class A cigarette when I saw a mom walk by, pushing a stroller and yapping away on the cell nestled in between her ear and shoulder. She eventually went into the store but not before I (and the rest of creation) caught a glimpse of her ass crack mooning everyone.

When I headed back in, I discovered she complained about people smoking outside.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this America? Is the air not free anymore? Had I truly encountered her and she complained, I would have mentioned my distaste at having to view her bony ass as well as dropped the fact that some contend cell phone usage may cause brain cancer.

Of course, then I would have a lot more free time on my hands due to immediate unemployment, but it might be worth it.

Early today, as I was on my first break, I watched the guy tooling around in his little cart to clean up the area. He was using a grabber to snatch debris from the complex and seemed somewhat content in his solitary endeavors.

And the only thing that ran through my head was the fact that it's really sad that customers drive me to the point of envying the garbage man's position since he really doesn't have to deal with anyone (though I'm sure he does, but in my fantasy, he collects alone). Then, as always, the downside hit me. Would I really want to deal with dripping, pungent garbage in the humid summers?

I'm still pondering that one...

;)

Amazing...simply amazing

2009-06-09T18:32:00.006-04:00

You know, I'm currently reading Idiot America by Charles Pierce and although it has made me laugh out loud several times, it's also sad in a way because it brings to light how much we've regressed as a nation and come to treasure absolute stupidity and ignorance over intelligence, common sense and good taste.

Example 1--Good Taste

I'm a people watcher. It's what I do. So I've noticed that people, for the most part, dress like absolute slobs.

Case in point.

I was at PF Changs a few weeks back with some friends. I told them to casually look over their shoulders to see the couple seated at the table behind us. Though we didn't see the woman, we couldn't help but notice the guy all dressed up in his Friday night wife beater.

Granted, PF Changs isn't considered an upscale restaurant, but the decor is nice inside and it's classier than most chain eateries.

So put on a goddamned shirt! Is that too much to ask when you go out? Maybe it's just me, but unless I'm at the beach, I don't really want to have anyone's armpits bared to me while I enjoy the faux Chinese fare.

I understand that the economy's bad. However, people can pick up a decent pair of khakis or slacks in K-Mart, Wal Mart or nearly everywhere else. for around $15.

People come in to drop their applications and resumes off all the time with shirts out, pants torn and looking disheveled in general. Oddly enough, they never seem to get hired.

Example 2--Intelligence

You'd be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at how many people come up to me at work, hand me a book and ask how much 20% off is.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue and not say "Hey. How about a membership card so you can save even more money to buy yourself a book highlighting SIMPLE MATH SKILLS?!?"

I'm not railing against people of lesser intellect. These are common skills everyone should have when they graduate from grade school.

No wonder the economy almost collapsed. If potential homeowners couldn't calculate a simple percentage, then they sure as hell weren't going to understand how the banks were offering loans they couldn't possibly afford.

Example 3--Common Sense

Again, we all have lapses of it. That's what makes us human. However, there are people out there who just don't apply basic knowledge to things in their lives.

On that one, I don't know if I can top Yoko as being a prime example of someone who just didn't "get" things. In his book, Pierce described it as going with your "gut" instead of using your head. Somewhere along the line, people felt that thinking just really was overrated and opted to go with doing whatever they felt was right.

Yoko never thought things through. At one point, she wanted to be a mortician (this was after her desire to win an Adult Video News award, become a web designer and somehow work as a vet's assistant with no training and no clear love for animals) because "they make $5,000 a week. When asked where she obtained that information, she boldly stated that she "heard it somewhere". Had she any common sense at all, she would have done the first thing I did--which is search for median salaries for morticians.

Turns out the 5 grand a week was a tad askew.

And so are the majority of the public.

Maybe this is why I laugh at how sad and true this video is today (compliments of The Onion):

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Though the last line made me laugh a lot too. ;)

My useless knowledge finally pays off!

2009-06-05T19:39:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite websites, Kinder Trauma (see it there over on the right?) had a contest running today and yours truly answered every question correctly (and apparently in record time too!)

See the link here...

Name That Traumalot contest

Huzzah!

One tourist whose every move might NOT have been among the purest...

2009-06-05T18:10:00.003-04:00

Ok...everyone's been made aware of the death of David Carradine at this point (no need to comment...that IS a shameless plug for my column...moving along...)

When the news first broke about it yesterday, I was bummed because I genuinely liked him as an actor. He always seemed in good spirits and to never take life too seriously.

That's why the early reports that he hung himself seemed to be a bit odd to me. Coupled with fellow actors denouncing a suicide, things seemed as if they might be a tad fishy and that foul play had something to do with it.

Then came the reports of not one, but two nooses, the second being tied firmly around his genitals.

Now the picture becomes a little clearer. If that aspect is indeed true, then he pulled a Michael Hutchence on himself and was toying with autoerotic asphyxiation.

I'm not condemning him for that. Hey...whatever turns you on...live and let live!

Still, does it make me a terrible person that the first thing that came to mind was a correlation between where he was located (city-wise, not the closet) and a musical number which was also a one hit wonder in the 80s?

That whole event gives new meaning to the lyrics...

"One night in Bangkok
Makes a hard man humble"

Truly, there's not really much between despair and ecstasy.

Though from what I understand, if the song were to be re-worded, it would sound more like...

"One town's
Very like another
When your head's down
Over your penis
Brother"

Yes, I AM going to hell in case the thought crossed anyone's mind!

Just a few Thursday thoughts...

2009-06-05T00:12:00.005-04:00

So I bought some new pants as I need khakis for work. Both were exactly the same size, same length and even the same model (though one was tan and the other black).

Why is it that I got two different results when I tried them both on?

The tan khakis fit great and I planned to wear them...then I tried on the black pair...which was a bit too snug across the back. Of course I checked again just to make certain that they were both the same and I hadn't developed a weird J Lo bulge and added junk to my trunk in the 30 seconds it took me to switch from one pair to the other.

Nope. Again, both were exactly the same.

So I put on the tan ones again and was ready to set about my day when I looked down to see that the length was...well, a bit long! They were actually halfway under my feet and bunched up around my ankles when I put my shoes on.

I find that odd that no two pants are exactly the same even when the specs are supposed to be exact. Maybe I should start wearing snowflakes because I'd probably get the same result.

Maybe it's better to blame those suddenly nonexistent "inspectors" since I don't find those little tags in clothes anymore.

Damn you, inspector 13!

I think I need a name for Thursday nights at work. Maybe "Half Wit Thursday" or "Simpleton Thursday" will suffice. All the weirdos who aren't Pittsburgh sports fans made an appearance this evening.

I asked the one guy if he had a membership card to save money. He said "No". I then followed up with a query as to whether or not he knew about them. To that, I received no answer. So my natural sarcastic manner took over and I added, "Well since you seem nonplussed about the whole ordeal, I'll take that as a 'No' as well."

He did compliment me on my verbal skills saying that it was a great word. Guess my education wasn't a total waste if I can impress idiots every now and again...

Finally, I was thinking about the amusement park about 10 minutes away from home. It's kind of an old park and I'm still surprised when rollercoaster enthusiasts name two of the rides in the park as part of the top 10 coasters in the U.S.

Anyway, one of the old commercials kept running through my head today...it's a bastardized version of Freddy Cannon's "Palisades Park" that they ran during the latter part of my high school years...

And I thought, "Hey! I never fell in love at Kennywood Park!"

Then I got to thinking about a certain ride that I loved for one particular reason...this is the Jackrabbit and you'll need to pay close attention to the double dip about a minute into the video...

When you hit the second dip, you tend to bounce up in the air, hanging for a moment or two before crashing down back into your seat.

I used to wait until that moment and unbuckle the relatively thin leather strap that keeps you "safe", enjoying the look of sheer terror on the face of the person next to me.

Come to think of it, perhaps that was the reason I never fell in love at Kennywood Park...

...or why no one else would ever go on more than once with me...

Enjoy your Friday everyone!

Well what do you know?

2009-06-03T02:33:00.005-04:00

My blog turned one year old on Tuesday!

And I think about how much has changed in this past year...

Not much really...lol.

I've learned that the grass isn't always greener...it's just different grass...

Friends come and go...and I don't worry about it as much anymore...the people who are meant to be in your life will be...the ones who aren't...won't...

I've had the incredible opportunity to add a longtime friend to my life...

I've moved from one end of the country to the other...

I think this calls for a celebration by "wilding"...and if those of you old enough to recall what that was for one brief moment in time, I googled it by image and this is what came up first...

Not exactly the same type of "wilding" as I recall..

I think I prefer the new version. ;)

Hope everyone has a great week!

"I've Said It Again, But Could I Please Rephrase It...

2009-05-31T22:31:00.005-04:00

Maybe I can catch a ride
I couldn't really put it much plainer
But I'll wait 'til
You decide"
--New Moon On Monday, Duran Duran

Because apparently any form of subtext as in the last post is met with varying opinions on what I meant...but that's the fun in it...take from it what you want. ;)

Anyway, I was thinking a lot about time today and some quotes came to mind...

"There never seems
To be enough time
To do the things
You want to do
Once you find them"
--Time In A Bottle, Jim Croce

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
--Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk

"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future"
--Unknown

It's not some weird "mortality" issue that I'm pondering...it's the fact that I wish there were more hours in the day just to enjoy certain things. Finishing a book...watching a movie...writing...spending time with a friend...

Sometimes even the simplest of pleasures seem out of reach.

I was standing outside at work today thinking, "Man, I've GOT to start playing that lottery." Lol

It's not that I desire material gain or want to be greedy...just enough to be comfortable with and enjoy little things.

I often hear people claim that they don't know what they do if they didn't work.

I can't believe people have trouble filling their time! I never lack for anything to do in the little down time (soon to be very little with new job responsibilities) that I have. In fact, I have a backlog of things to do when I finally get that precious time available to me...so much so that I find it difficult to get everything done.

Sometimes I wish I was just blissfully ignorant as to what the world has to offer so I could go about toiling away in the mundane nature of work and not consider all of my options.

However, in order to have options open to me, I have to work to enable myself to have access to them.

Kind of strikes me as lunacy when I really stop to think about it...lol.

So what it all comes down to is that you never have enough time...you always do worry about the future because what you do today affects it just as much as the past decisions you've made...it picks up speed (or at least seems to) as you age so that you feel as if you're trying to squeeze as much as you can out of the time you have so you don't feel as if you've wasted it later...and, in the end...

"Life is so brief
And time is a thief
When you're undecided
And like a fistful of sand
It can slip right through your hands"
--Young Turks, Rod Stewart

Thanks for spending some of your precious time with me for my fatigued, late night rambling!

We now resume our regular lives already in progress...

Reflections

2009-05-27T02:12:00.008-04:00

"Mirror in the bathroom
Please talk free
The door is locked
Just you and me"

Mirror: "Oh...it's you...what the hell do you want?"

Me: "Answers."

Mirror: "Want to hear a joke?"

Me: "Sure."

Mirror: "Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says 'Make me one with everything!' Vendor pockets the money and hands the Buddhist his hot dog. Buddhist waits a moment and asks for his change. Vendor replies 'Change comes from within'."

Me: "People hate change anyway."

Mirror: "Why do you say that?"

Me: "Gets in the way."

Mirror: "How so?"

Me: "Literally, it just sits there and jingles in your pocket. It's a reminder of what you don't want to carry around. That segues into a figurative interpretation of something you can't handle and want to get rid of."

Mirror: "So what does that tell you?"

Me: "Didn't I come to you for answers?"

Mirror: "You did, but I'm not your goddamned fairy godmother. You're the one asking your reflection what's what. You think I can wave a magic wand and make it all better?"

Me: "One would hope."

Mirror: "Well...bottom line is that you want the truth or else you'd just make up stuff in your head and not bother with me."

Me: "True."

Mirror: "So what you really want is to look yourself in the face and at least have someone listen to you...someone with common sense."

Me: "That would be refreshing."

Mirror: "I'd say you're wasting time with idle chit chat but since I'm not a shrink, at least you're saving money. Get to the point because I'm getting tired."

Me: "You do look a little world weary. Anyway...you saw me in Vegas. I was unhappy and angry. Now I'm back here and, thanks to many of the nice people I've come back into contact with as well as some decisions about life in general, I do feel happier."

Mirror: "So what's your point?"

Me: "Point is that there are still some that, no matter what you do, it's just never good enough. They don't like you this way...they don't like you that way...nothing appeases them."

Mirror: "Why not just avoid them?"

Me: "There are some that are impossible to avoid."

Mirror: "Family."

Me: "And some friends. Aren't people supposed to accept you for who you are?"

Mirror: "Ideally."

Me: "Then why do others try to mold me into what they want?"

Mirror: "Perhaps they're not satisfied with themselves and want to project that on you. Can't say you're not guilty of that either in the past."

Me: "That's true. But if I can change, why can't others?"

Mirror: "I refer you to my joke."

Me: "So you really can't be of any help at all?"

Mirror: "Again, not a fairy godmother."

Me: "You know I can crack you into a million little pieces."

Mirror: "Then you'd have seven years of bad luck."

Me: "And how would I be able to tell the difference even if I didn't smash you?"

Mirror: "Hmmmm..."

"Mirror in the bathroom
Recompense
For all my crimes
Of self defense
Cures you whisper
Make no sense
Drift gently into
Mental illness"
--Mirror In The Bathroom, English Beat

Watch This Space

2009-05-24T16:37:00.002-04:00

The times, they are a changin'!

As you can see, I've joined Facebook...mostly for networking as part of the grand scheme.

I've also added an ad for Amazon...lol. I figure since I recommend enough things, if you (or people who read my TV column) buy them I might as well get some payola! ;)

And the little pic at the header...just thought it summed it up!

There's more coming...

...eventually.

The Lighter Side

2009-05-24T01:42:00.003-04:00

Well, I suppose I have an answer to my friendship "two for one" deal.

I'm taking the two as the other has decided to go their own way. But I wish them the best as they're a great person and I hope that they'll find whatever it is that they seek on their journey...I fully understand that people have to do what they have to do...sometimes others can't be a part of that...but I wish them nothing but luck!

Anyway...on the lighter side of life...

I've only been at my current job for about a month and it seems that there are plans in store for me to move up already. That's always nice to know that at least they appreciate what I do. I'll most likely find out more in the upcoming week...

It's funny...I was mulling things over today and trying to arrive at some decision about my future, life in general...and I came to a conclusion...

What that is, I may have to leave as a cliffhanger as it's late and I'm not up for writing a long post about it. Suffice it to say that 2009 is looking like somewhat of an "all or nothing year" in terms of (at the very least) one aspect of my life.

See you soon! ;)

Mysterious Disappearances and Reappearances

2009-05-23T00:52:00.005-04:00

Tonight I ran into people that I haven't seen in about eight years. Two very good friends that I worked with and now have known about 20 years (god, I feel old). Both are married and seem to be pretty happy (which is nice as I knew them when all they dated were complete tools) and haven't changed a bit.

It was good to see them after all this time!

On the flip side, I'm about ready to put someone's picture on this...

...as I've not heard from them in well over a week. We used to chat on the phone at least once every few days when I was in Vegas.

Since moving back and even visiting them in person, however, the relationship has devolved into texts (the last two of which have gone unanswered) and no calls whatsoever (even an e-mail that I thought they would find interesting has met with, as Genesis said, "No reply at all").

Either I may need to put that photo on this milk carton or accept that I've gotten some sort of friendship "two for one" deal. Lol.

I hope not, though...

I Don't See This Being A Success

2009-05-21T23:11:00.005-04:00

Does anyone recall the 1990 movie, Crazy People, with Dudley Moore as an advertising executive that completely goes bonkers and starts to tell the truth to the public?

It's not a great movie, but it is good for a few laughs.

One of the fake ads I remember vividly is the one for Volvo: "They're boxy, but good!"

I'd almost forgotten about it until I saw an ad for this today...

Meet the Nissan Cube.

Yeah...this is EXACTLY what drivers want.

After sitting in their small, boxy cubicles all day and having to go home to boxy houses or apartments, their preferred method of driving is a shiny cube.

Reminds me of the lyrics from The Police's Synchronicity II

"Packed like lemmings
Into shiny metal boxes"

Maybe it's just me...then again, I didn't think anyone wanted to drive a mini-hearse, but I see plenty of these out on the road...

Something Of Which I'm Quite Proud

2009-05-21T21:37:00.002-04:00

It's odd...had to work longer than expected today (though I came home to see an interesting set of pictures in my mailbox--thanks K! :D ), got home, relaxed and decided to check my stats on the TV column I write.

For some reason, my page had over 250 views today...I even beat the UFO guy! Lol.

But that's not why I beam with pride.

It's the last show on which I focus in my latest column...it just made me laugh...

TNT Explodes With Diverse Programming...

Enjoy! Lol

Fun With People

2009-05-20T23:50:00.000-04:00

As much as many people who know me know that I truly despise dealing with the public, I'm not certain if they also realize there's a flip side to that coin...

...I absolutely love screwing around with them too.

For example, when I was in Vegas, I was out walking the dog around the condo one day. An elderly woman who was walking into her apartment said "Aw, what a cutie!" I smiled and immediately replied "Thanks! The dog's not too bad either." and kept walking...

I think it's the fun of seeing if 1) I can stop people in their tracks to make them think and 2) seeing what I can get away with!

Tonight, for example, was probably unofficially deemed "Test Sean's Patience Night". I worked solo and everything that could go wrong (ok, on a minor scale) did. People were simply idiots for the most part. In fact, two who bought things just stared at me when I told them how much they owed. When the second person did it, I said "Either it's just one of those nights where everyone's completely out of it or I am truly a sight to behold and people are unable to look away from my majestic visage."

One woman came in and when I asked her if I could help her, she said "Do you have A Beautiful Mind?"

I replied, "Yes I do and for many who stare long enough, the rest of me isn't so bad either."

It took her a few minutes, but she got it.

There were a few more that I was able to just have fun with, including the security guard. Toward the end of the night, it was starting to get cold...and I don't mean chilly, I mean arctic blast cold. I like air conditioning as much as the next guy but when penguins start to buy memberships, it's time to crank that down a bit.

Anyway, he asked me if he could run out and get his jacket. I told him that it was fine since he was only going to be gone two minutes. When he returned, I mentioned that it would have been funny if I gave him the ok thinking nothing would happen and instead, after those two minutes, he walks in to find all the shelves cleared off and my bullet riddled corpse slumped over the counter. He didn't see the humor in that as much as I did.

Sometimes I confuse people too...lol.

But, hey...as long as it makes me laugh...who cares? Some people need copious amounts of coffee to get through their day.

I need to have fun with (or make fun of) others.

It all comes out in the wash.

As a post script, I found that indeed it is possible to control your own personal hell. There's a song that keeps playing that drive me insane...not unlike this clip...

It's by Ben Harper and the Relentless 7 called "Shimmer and Shine".

You know how I know the name of it? They say the phrase about 400 times in about 3 1/2 minutes.

But I can skip to the next song!

So hell has some perks!

;)

Adventures Far Out And Close To Home

2009-05-17T23:57:00.000-04:00

Today I had a bit of a reprieve from family as I struck out alone and only mentioned where I was going at the last minute...

I had to see the latest Star Trek movie.

Never a big "Trekkie", I do, nevertheless, have a certain fondness for a few of the movies (Wrath of Khan, of course, just because it's a great movie in and of itself) and usually enjoyed The Next Generation whenever I caught it on TV. I also wanted to see what JJ Abrams had in store for the reboot.

Honestly, I thought it was great! The manner in which the story was handled was...uh..."logical" (pun intended) and reintroduced the same characters but in a different light. I'll admit that I was a bit worried when they mentioned Leonard Nimoy would reprise his role as Spock as I was curious as to how they were going to weave the old character into the new tapestry.

Pretty flawlessly, I have to say. In an interesting twist, both the new Spock (Zachary Quinto) and the old are a major part of the story and the movie should satisfy old fans as well as gain new ones for a successful franchise! I highly recommend it!

Then around 8pm tonight, I was looking for something else to watch. While flipping around the stations, I saw that Forgetting Sarah Marshall was going to be on HBO. I'd heard that it was absolutely hilarious so I wanted to give it a shot.

Apart from the few interruptions from family (of course only when I'm deeply engrossed in something), I was able to catch the whole movie. Sad to say that it wasn't as funny as everyone claimed, yet I was far from disappointed. I found it to be sweet, touching and humorous...and the most important thing was that it had a heart. I found myself liking it more and more as it went on because the characters seemed real to me.

It also didn't hurt that Mila Kunis is incredibly hot and the character she played is now among my "top 5 movie girlfriends of all time" (which includes Elisabeth Shue in Karate Kid, Jennifer Connelly in Career Opportunities, Minnie Driver in Grosse Pointe Blank and Virginia Madsen in Sideways).

All in all, not a bad movie day to say the least...

Counterpoint

2009-05-16T17:56:00.000-04:00

"Some people in Pennsylvania see things as they are and say...why change?
I see things that never were and say...'What the hell is wrong with these people'?"
--Me, by way of George Bernard Shaw

I was talking to a co-worker the other day who isn't originally from Pittsburgh and told him that I recently came back from Vegas because I didn't like it. He was under the impression that I had blind allegiance to this city and was unable to recognize its faults.

Of course, I set him straight.

See, I've noticed quite a bit after being away...

Months ago, another friend (who's big into trains) asked me if I knew the three states where trains were still predominant. I guessed all three correct and one was...you guessed it...Pennsylvania (take a stab at the other two since I've spotted you one).

I knew that because navigating the streets here is like driving a Winnebago through a miniature railroad village. Everything seems so tiny to me and residents love to park on both sides of the street so that you need to grease your vehicle to pass (since only one lane exists in most areas). The copious amount of rainfall as of late offers wonderful lubrication as well.

Then there's the speed limits. In some areas where you have to climb huge inclines, you may not go over 35 mph...in other well traveled places, it's 25 mph. I believe those were kept since the horse and buggy years, if my sense of history serves me correctly.

The local bridge undergoing renovation is a major artery that directs traffic to an amusement park and a large outdoor shopping mall. Any person with intelligence would have looked into the future and said "Hey, why don't we either 1) start building another bridge with more lanes making these places more easily accessible or at least 2) take that vast amount of land that's just sitting there taking up space and not serving a purpose on the other side to create a huge parking lot and ferry service across the river charging a fee to reimburse us for the project?"

But no...we'll shut down half the bridge, thus creating a giant snarl of traffic while we repair it and then do the other side after that so ultimately, the project will take a few years and make this small town even smaller!

Finally, I remember when I visited other states and you could buy alcoholic beverages at grocery and convenience stores. I was amazed! They even have that luxury in Ohio! Not here. You have to go to specific places like a wine & liquor store or a beer distributor to obtain these items. I'm surprised we still don't have cobblers, apothecaries and blacksmiths too...

I know progress is slow, but (and correct me if I'm wrong), Pennsylvania still isn't one of the 13 colonies is it? I mean, this is a recognized state in America. Pittsburgh's team won the Super Bowl SIX TIMES...can't we see at least a little something in the way of coming into the 21st century?

Just wondering...

;)

Rock Bottom For Decades But Showing Signs Of Life

2009-05-12T23:45:00.000-04:00

The title of today's post is actually taken from an article I read online from the New York Times about the small town in which I was born. I happened to be perusing IMDB.com yesterday and at the bottom of the main page are featured links relating to movies...much to my surprise, I saw something about Braddock, PA and its connection to the movie, The Road, based on the post apocalyptic Cormac McCarthy novel.

I couldn't think of a better place to film anything post-apocalyptic than that area, ravaged for years in poverty thanks to the closing of the steel mills and certain elements moving in and taking over.

It wasn't always like that. I can recall walking from one end of the town to the other when I was a small boy and never worrying about anything. Of course, that was back in the late 70s and early 80s. Now I wouldn't walk (nor drive) through there in broad daylight without some sort of armed guards! I used to frequent a used bookstore there, reading away as my family shopped in the once thriving town; now the only reading materials present are whatever pamphlets drift past the dilapidated, boarded up ghetto...lol.

But I started to think of the title of the article and how sometimes I feel that way...in terms of how things are cyclical about life. There are times when I feel like that old town, left behind in the past while life around it seems to be thriving...when the best parts seem to have withered and died, just waiting for something to come along and revitalize it (me).

Then there are those days when it appears those sometimes elusive signs of life offer a glimmer of hope.

Today was one of those days...in a way.

On Saturday, I finally was able to get my title transfer on the car completed and just one thing lay ahead...the archaic method of the auto inspection done here in PA.

I dreaded today for two reasons. One, I had to get up early and drive clear across town to BFE to a trusted family mechanic and two, my uncle pestered the living hell out of me to accompany me on the journey because he wanted to get out of the house (i.e. in the hopes of getting a beer which he's not allowed to have).

The first of the two was unavoidable as I'd rather go to an honest mechanic anyday over a dealership where they'll rob you blind. The second? Well, thankfully I circumvented having to take him out anywhere without looking like a bad guy due to other family members deciding to meet me there.

So off we went. What is normally a short ride (maybe 20 minutes at the most) took nearly an hour as construction is everywhere in Pittsburgh. Christ, in the amount of time it took me to drive there, I could have gone to Youngstown, OH (if I truly wanted to see another post-apocalyptic nightmare).

Speaking of Christ, I saw a sign for those running for upcoming elections and chuckled over the first name on the list--Marian Joseph. I couldn't help but wondering if (assuming she's Christian and is going to heaven when she dies) Jesus will experience a moment of deja vu when the two are introduced.

Angel: "Jesus...Marian Joseph."

Jesus (taken aback): "No way! That's just plain weird!"

But I digress...

So I reach the garage and park the car in what turns out to be a jammed lot. Yep, all signs pointed to them being abnormally busy. I get out and start walking toward the front when one of the mechanics stops me.

Mechanic: "You'll have to move that because I have to get this other car into the garage."

Me (looking around at the complete lack of spaces): "Where do you want me to put it?"

Mechanic: "I don't know."

Not a problem solver, I garner immediately.

So I maneuver into another spot after he takes the car in and go inside. Yes, they are abnormally busy and let me know that it might be a while. As I was originally planning on waiting, I inquired as to how long. The guy behind the counter said he wasn't sure. I asked if he had a general idea.

"Sometime today."

Thanks for ballparking that one for me!

At that point, I was pretty glad that the rest of the family decided to meet me as I would have been stuck there for hours (about 5 as it turned out). So we went to the local mall to grab some lunch.

The place is huge. I had forgotten how big it was since I hadn't been there in years. What I noticed immediately about the inside was how many stores had closed. What I noticed not soon after that was the lack of people milling about. The third notion to hit me was the time tested theory of "cause and effect"...lol.

This wasn't the mall that the horror classic Dawn of the Dead was filmed in. However, they could have shot it easily today and wouldn't have had to close the mall to do so. For one thing, it would have been a long time before shoppers walked by a camera...for another, most of the shoppers that were there had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

After that adventure, I went back home for a bit, relaxed, and then had to head back out to pick up my car. My aunt took me in her car with my uncle in tow. I sat in the back seat where I felt like a giant squeezed into a clown car thanks to the less than spacious interior and the child's seat which my little cousin uses.

Then something strange happened.

Me: "Did you guys hear that?"

My aunt: "Hear what?"

Me: "That voice."

No one replied since they thought I was demented. I asked if the radio was on and they said no.

Well, there was a voice coming from somewhere! It almost sounded like that guy's voice and the tinny radio effect Starship used for the song "We Built This City" ("This is your favorite radio station, your favorite radio city, the city by the bay, the city that rocks, the city that never sleeps").

I looked down and spied a little James T. Kirk action figure. When I pressed the button, it repeated the phrase "Kirk to Enterprise".

That wasn't what I heard, but I chalked it up to it being that since there was nothing else around. I figured it might have been muffled by the seat or something. (In fact, I thought it might have been something in the child seat so I started pushing on everything I thought might make noise.) Nope, nothing there. Must have just been imagination...

Until I heard it again...

At this point, I wasn't really frightened because although I knew it wasn't the Kirk doll, the voice wasn't telling me to kill either. So I had that going for me...which was nice!

It wasn't until I got out of the clown car that I noticed I was sitting on another Star Trek toy that spoke when you pressed the button. Whew! At least I'm not completely insane as of yet.

But I'm getting there...

And, like the title of the post, there are days that show signs of life...when I show signs of life and am just able to laugh and twist even the most mundane things into something funny to me and hopefully at least slightly humorous to you.

Those are the days that I need more of...

How Does THAT Grab Ya?

2009-05-09T22:31:00.000-04:00

I've learned to give things more of a chance.

Take Lost, for example. I've been watching that from the beginning and it's paid off in spades by telling a great epic story.

However, there are things that I've passed on that I later regretted.

Take Robert Kirkman's The Walking Dead. I bought the first issue about 5 years ago...and it didn't grab me. So, I let it go. About a year and a half later, I picked it up again. Since then, I've bought it on a monthly basis. What a great story that would translate perfectly to an HBO or Showtime series! (Good thing I held onto that first issue, though, as it's now worth quite a bit of money...lol.)

So when I heard the same author was coming out with another superhero book, called Invincible, I thought "Been there...done that." I mean, what could you possibly do to make it interesting? I guess tell another damned good story since I've been buying the trade versions weekly to catch up!

Then when he came out with The Astounding Wolf Man, I really tried to avoid it like the plague. Come on...HOW can you take a wolf man and make that character interesting? Again, I was wrong. I've since picked up the two volumes collecting the first dozen or so issues of the comic.

You'd think I would learn after originally dismissing things like Buffy, The Vampire Slayer until the 6th season, Angel until halfway through the fifth, The Sopranos until season two and a host of other TV, movies, books, etc that are too numerous to mention...

But if it doesn't grab me, I just can't get interested in it...and I know I'm missing a ton of great things out there!

Anything you've missed out on that didn't grab you at first and you later had to get into?

Lol...I'm almost scared of some of the answers I might get on that loaded question! ;)

Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration

2009-05-07T00:31:00.000-04:00

Of course I'm no genius (not like Edison described)...especially not like this...

But there are times when I do get that 1% of inspiration.

Last night I was a tad dismayed at the number of views my TV column has been receiving. It's not that readers have tapered, it's that they've dropped precipitously! For god's sake, I'm losing ground to the guy who looks like Clarence Boddicker and writes the UFO column and all he does is throw up pictures of fuzzy objects in the sky with inane ramblings in his text accompanying them!

But that's cool for him...whatever gets you through.

My beef wasn't with him...or readers...or even making money from the number of times the articles are viewed. I actually turned my concerns inward. Was it my writing that was failing?

That's where the inspiration kicked in...

A few weeks ago, there was a poll in the local paper as to what TV shows should be kept or killed. I added some comments at the end and the TV writer contacted me to ask if he could use some of my comments in his follow up.

So I took a chance. I wrote back to him for some advice (hey, my motto is "You don't ask, you don't get"). I expressed my frustration and wanted to see if he had some professional advice.

He kindly responded and mentioned that it was the site's business model and lack of marketing that's detrimental and that it wasn't my writing. I even made a joke about the business model being just shy of a pyramid scheme and he laughed in response, calling me a "natural writer".

It was nice hearing something positive from someone in the business and lets me know that I should keep up with it.

Then I looked for inspiration for a column tonight. Not only was I keyed up over the latest episode of Lost, but wanted to find a topic to write about...and, with a promo during Lost, I found it...

The Secret Of His Success

So maybe I went above and beyond the 1%. But after toiling away at work and often going over the 99%, perhaps it was time that the scales were balanced in my favor!

Wanna Get Away?

2009-05-05T23:07:00.000-04:00

Book your travel now!

Crazy Cleveland Tourism Video - watch more funny videos

Also know that I lived there for 5 years...thankfully in a nice area of town...lol.

Things Are Definitely Looking Up!

2009-05-04T21:52:00.001-04:00

When I arrived home from a short day at work (that thankfully flew by thanks to me being busy and actually enjoying myself...the first time in a while), I received a very special treat in the mail!

Yep...that's right..my AARP card showed up!

Ok, it's about a decade or so too early (as I can start using it at 50), but it was nice of them to be proactive about it.

I decided to celebrate by listening to the Andrews Sisters, chewing some Blackjack gum, slathering pomade on my hair and getting dressed to the nines to go out and paint the town red.

Ain't I the cat's meow?

Any dames out there with great gams who want to crimson coat the town with me? If you want to be in cahoots, ameche me and we'll grab a malted and jitterbug!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...

2009-05-03T02:09:00.000-04:00

...sometimes regret not being there behind a tree with a sharp hatchet to bury in an idiot traveler's head.

Some people should learn not to traverse in the same woods that I do and expect to come out unscathed...

Just saying...

And now for something completely different...

...yet similar...

You get the idea...

;)

Kudos!

2009-04-30T23:13:00.000-04:00

Normally I wouldn't recognize something like this because when celebrities get involved in politics or world events, it's usually to toot their own horn.

However, when I saw this headline, I felt that it needed to be acknowledged...

WHO to stop using term "swine flu" to protect pigs

Personally, I think it's courageous of Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey to take a solid stand and present a unified (if not an eminence) front on the latest controversy. This is no put on...they seem to mean business in their defense of "the other white meat".

"Who are you...not swine flu...oooh oooh"

Really, they should also be commended for their stance on singing praises about those unpolished "diamond in the rough" young males who everyone dismisses as evident by the lyrics to Rough Boys as well. Going so far as to offer these upstanding young men beds for the night, leather to keep them warm and even a little TLC if necessary shows that some people out there really and truly do care about the welfare of others.

What would we do without them...?

Things that make you go...hmmm (Special Pittsburgh Edition)

2009-04-29T18:37:00.001-04:00

Let me begin by stating that I do love my hometown. If I didn't, I wouldn't have moved back!

That said, I can still find things to laugh about...

Take the accent for example. Some people's are more pronounced than others but the following video is indicative of a large part of the population...

I was sitting at the AAA yesterday (still in what might be a 4th vain attempt to get my title transferred from Nevada to PA) and overheard a woman whose voice and accent weren't too far from what you saw in the video.

Needless to say, I cringed. I remember when I went to school in Milwaukee (Algonquin for "the good land" for those of you who saw Wayne's World) and people remarked that they were surprised I didn't have an accent. I said "That's because I'm intelligent."

Then again, I've been wrong before! ;)

The local news had a special report on air pollution in the city and Pittsburgh was listed as one of the worst cities for particle pollution. You can read about it here.

Apparently, we're deemed as a city where "it can't get any worse". Hey...look at it in a positive light. Nowhere to go but up!

As I waited to go into Barnes & Noble today, I glanced at my watch and it was about 9:50. The store opened at 10am. I stood outside, just lingering about (not loitering because that would be against the law) when a woman walked up to the door.

Clearly marked on said door was a huge sign posting the hours of operation. So what did the woman do? She yanked on one of the two doors which failed to open. Then, undaunted, she immediately pulled on the other with the same result. I chuckled, turned my head in the direction of another store across the street and a woman was doing the very same thing at that establishment!

(I included that anecdote merely to show that stupidity runs rampant no matter where you live. I just thought it was funny.)

Finally, the once red hot Pirates (who swept the 11-1 Marlins last week), buckled under to the Brewers today in Milwaukee. The score was 1-0 and, from what I understand, Brewers' pitcher Yovani Gallardo threw a gem.

He was also responsible for the only run, smacking a dinger in the 7th inning.

I hold no illusions that the Pirates are even in the realm of contending this year, but I somehow find it hard to believe that some nights, the Pirates look like the Gas House Gorillas...

Other nights, they (in the words of the immortal Tommy Lasorda) "couldn't hit a beach ball with a log".

At least I can find humor here...that's why you gotta love the 'Burgh!

First Good Laugh

2009-04-27T00:12:00.000-04:00

Tonight I actually had the first good laugh I've had in a long time. I was actually in tears.

Apparently, my aunt did my uncle's taxes. She thought he should be receiving $450 but when returned, it seemed that he owed $450.

Quite the pickle!

So she asked me to look at it and input it on TurboTax.

I can do mine on there, no problem. However, since he receives a pension, bought a house, has medical deductions, etc., it was a bit out of my league. Yes, they make it easy, but there was some paperwork she couldn't find and, when I thought she was off to go and look for it, she moved along to another project.

Well, I attempted to give it a go based on the information that I had.

At one point, I entered a number and in regard to federal taxes owed, the number had shot up well over a million dollars!

Sorry buddy...best I can do...better get that checkbook out, big guy!

Lol...I called the only person who would get a chuckle out of that...his son.

The jovial mood was dampened somewhat by the poor reception on my cell, but I'm still laughing.

And that's all that matters! :)

Postscript...the laughter continued with this...

Little Known Skitch Fact #2 (Dazzle Your Friends!)

2009-04-24T14:24:00.000-04:00

As I did back in March with my Little Known Skitch Fact #1 (Collect Them All!), I'll reveal something about myself not many people know...

This month I confess my adoration for cheesy 70s music!

Since I grew up on the AM radio of the 70s (and used to use a tape recorder to save my favorite tunes when they played on the radio), I've come to treat the songs not only as a form of nostalgia, but as something I genuinely enjoy listening to.

Whenever I hear certain songs, it immediately snaps me back to a particular place in time.

I see myself standing on my aunt's porch in the summer listening to Paul McCartney and Wings' "Silly Love Songs". I can feel the breeze blowing through my hair while riding a bike if Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street" (one of my top 5 favorite songs ever) comes on my iPod. I see sunlight shimmering off the cool, crisp water of Blue Dell swimming pool as Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams" starts with the drums, then adds the guitar.

There are so many more too...and what started me thinking about it was hearing Sanford Townsend Band's "Smoke From A Distant Fire" while driving today.

And when I was in college, I used to go to the local mall every weekend where the chick who worked at the Musicland would save the Super Hits of the 70s: Have A Nice Day volumes for me each time they would arrive in the store. Lol. I'm not sure who was more excited...her or me!

Maybe that's why music has always held a special place in my heart...it sends me to a place where I feel comfortable and serene...and, to a certain extent, happy.

Happy Gilmore had his "happy place"...we all do...sometimes we need those to fall back on when everything seems bleak and bereft of hope!

Now go out and enjoy your favorites today...and tell me all about what memories it brings back!

The Final Tales of Yoko?

2009-04-23T21:05:00.000-04:00

For those of you who might not know, "Yoko" is (was?) my roommate's girlfriend and the constant source of misery for the past year and a half in Vegas. You'll find some stories about her back in the archives on this blog, but most of the really good ones came from a now defunct blog I had a while back.

I hadn't heard from my friend Mark in about a month but happened to catch him online today. Apparently she's still at the condo in Vegas, set to leave tomorrow to live with her daughter in Seattle. I'm not sure why she was still there since her original intent was to help him to sell his furniture and he has since changed his mind on that, but, hey...no longer my concern.

What did surprise me was a few of the revelations that he made.

Apparently, about a week before he left to return to Chicago, she started locking their bedroom door and kept a loaded gun next to the door...just in case I "snapped".

LOL...I told him that if I really snapped, there's no way in hell she'd be able to get to that weapon before I got to her.

Another thing she ended up copping to was purposely going into the kitchen when I was in there because she knew it annoyed me.

I have news for her. There was one point where I almost tossed boiling water on her as she was in my way for the umpteenth time and I was trying to spill pasta into the colander in the sink. I actually considered it for a split second but my conscience kicked in and I opted not to. Damn conscience...

Finally, she told him that she totaled her car and hates Vegas and vowed never to return.

I let him know that she was pretty much responsible for me hating the city not only since she was the first of the delusional idiots I encountered there, but also because she was one of the biggest thorns in my side. In the end, she's probably the person I despise most on the planet.

People have noticed that my demeanor has improved quite a bit since relocating. I think many came to understand that I bemoaned my very existence since she entered the picture. Even the numerous good stories she ended up providing can't hold a candle to my sheer hatred for her.

I told him, should they ever get married, to NOT invite me to the wedding...

She never did find the eggs I planted before I left. You would think in that heat that the smell would have hit her by now. Ah well...

Good riddance Yoko...I wish you nothing but terrible times ahead!

RhuBob Evans

2009-04-22T11:17:00.000-04:00

If you see that little picture of me down to the right, it probably doesn't strike you as anything significant. However, that was taken at one of my rare breakfast appearances at an eating establishment. That was taken about a year and a half ago which shows you how rare that really is!

I know breakfast is the "most important meal of the day", but since I'm not a morning person, I'll gladly forgo nutrition for sleep!

Yesterday, I had to take the dog to the vet. After I picked him up from a grooming appointment last Wednesday, we had driven not more than 50 feet from Petsmart when someone decided that he had the right of way and barreled out of the lane, causing me to hit my brakes (he must have been a Vegas driver). As a result, Jack, who was making his way from the back seat to the front, was hurled face first into the front of the car. I waved the jackass in the car along.

Had I spied the blood on Jack before turning onto a major road, I would have cut the guy off and hurled him through the windshield. I pulled into Bob Evans' parking lot to wipe away the blood and make sure he was ok.

Turns out the dog had a slit on his eyelid that required stitching. So, after dropping him off at the hospital, my family wanted to go to Bob Evans for breakfast.

The table of six miscreants behind us had the manager over to their table for probably around 20 minutes during the course of their stay. I can speak from experience that it's during those times that you wish you had chosen a career path that didn't involve dealing with the general public.

What is there to complain about at Bob Evans, might I ask?

Though I could only hear snippets of the conversation, complaints didn't involve the food. There was discussion of the menu including prices and descriptions, but everyone seemed to be satisfied with their meals.

How much simpler can we make things for people?

When I go into a restaurant, I see what's there, maybe glance at the price, and then order. Yesterday, I wanted the Border Omelet (which I noticed came with tomatoes...which I hate). I asked if I could get them without. The server said that they were mixed in. So I got it with tomatoes and just picked them out while I ate it. No big deal.

But for some it is. I'm not sure what happens to people when they go out, but they get awfully weird. (Of course, they are leaving their natural habitat so maybe it's culture shock of some sort.)

I remember when I worked at Applebee's many moons ago. A mother and daughter came in and the daughter ordered a Caesar salad. However, I was instructed that I had to find out whether or not it contained Xanthan Gum (or some other odd ingredient). It's not because she was allergic (which I can understand)...it was because the daughter was a "model" and couldn't have it since it was "bad" for her health.

This was when I hadn't yet let people wear me down, resulting in the cynic you read here today. So I never had an opportunity to retort, "Eat the damn thing. You could stand to put on a few pounds you bag of bones." Instead, I begrudgingly sought out the ingredients and came back and told her what was in it (though I also threw in some snide comment I knew would travel over their empty heads).

That's why I think, no matter what, people should be forced to work with the public for at least a year, regardless of their lot in life. If you ever want to see the real world, abandon that tired MTV version and live it.

As for me...well, I've done my share (too much of it, I might add) so I can pass along the wisdom to others.

And that pic of me out for breakfast is not unlike spying Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster. No one snapped one of me yesterday because hopefully, people will spin yarns or sing songs in the mountains about my breakfast appearances someday, and my legacy will be ensured!

Until then, be on the lookout for that quiet cynic at a table near you. He might just be eavesdropping on your own rhubarb and writing about it soon!

Up And Running

2009-04-19T23:33:00.000-04:00

While I search around for a more stable form of income and keep plugging away on my scripts that I'll try to pitch at a seminar in LA later this year, I took on a new gig.

Meet the new TV writer for the Examiner website!

Of course the first article was pretty tame since I still had to figure out how to work their system. Not to mention the fact that I'm not one for getting things done early as I procrastinate until the last minute! (That's how I got through college...pressure was always good for stirring the creative juices!)

So I hope you all enjoy my other writing gig as well and return to see what else I may have in store for my readers.

TV Examiner

Childish Things

2009-04-18T22:09:00.000-04:00

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
--First Letter of Paul to the Corinthians

(NOTE: Ok, it is RARE that you will see any sort of a religious reference in this blog...but, since this was the quote that came to mind, it seemed appropriate that I use it.)

Isn't it funny sometimes how seemingly unrelated things can all coalesce when you really put them in perspective? Take today for example...

While shopping for magazines at Barnes & Noble, I picked up a copy of Fangoria. I can't remember the last time I read that magazine and I used to get it regularly when I was a kid.

Later, while walking the dog, I smelled the incredible scent of a charcoal grill off in the distance that made me think of past cookouts.

Before I made dinner, I watched part of the original Star Wars (unfortunately, it was the "special edition" that blows but still a million times better than that horrible new trilogy) and remembered when I sat in the theater amazed at the cinematic wonder before my eyes.

Finally, my good friend from Vegas called and reminded me that tonight was his annual 80s party (not to rub it in, but to express dismay that I couldn't attend). I had gone last year as Magnum, PI and had a blast. However, it would have been a stretch to commute this year, being about 2,500 miles away.

Though it wasn't until I was reading through the latest issue of Wired that all of these events hit me.

You see, the new issue is all about mystery. There are articles on magic, points of interest around the globe (like the Bermuda Triangle, Area 51, etc), and other "mysterious" items such as the Kryptos sculpture at CIA headquarters. In the end, it was the short feature by guest editor JJ Abrams (creator of Lost, Alias, Felicity and Fringe) that helped me to arrive at the conclusion that...

...there really is no sense of "mystery" anymore.

Well there is with certain things, but not to the extent as it was when we were kids. People have taken all the fun out of life.

Sometimes, on days like these, I can recall how much fun it was to just...have fun.

In fact, a friend I hadn't talked to in a while texted me tonight and asked what I was doing. I replied with a question...

"Nothing. But you know what I wish I was doing?"

For some reason, she thought it was something dirty.

Nope.

I confessed that, with as warm as it is, I just wanted to go and find a cool miniature golf course, grab an ice cream cone and just enjoy the weather.

Of course I told her that she could feel free to do something dirty, but, gyrating on that clown's huge tongue on the 11th hole is really going to be detrimental to my making par. It's hard enough to get that ball up the ramp without a nympho flailing around on it. It's even more difficult since my friend lives a few thousand miles away. Actually, it would be even more difficult since most miniature golf courses suck these days and don't even have clowns with long tongues as an obstacle. (Carrying those and the windmills around in my car are getting a tad tiresome too. But hey, I need challenges!)

Anyway, I never want to completely put away childish things. We all need to have more fun in life, even if it's with the simplest of actions or events.

And let's not allow people to ruin even the smallest of mysteries...

Keep Feeling Fascination

2009-04-15T23:59:00.000-04:00

No, this won't be a tribute to The Human League (though I do love that song).

The thought for this post came about during a conversation I had with a saleswoman today.

Every establishment has those "frequent shopper cards" nowadays and, should you forget them, they'll ask you for your phone number to make certain you get points or discounts or whatever the offer may be.

She entered my number into the system and it didn't register. However, she realized she'd skipped one.

Saleswoman: "Oh, I hit the wrong button and it took me back to the beginning."

Me: "I wish I had a button I could push to take me back to the beginning."

Saleswoman (laughing): "Like this morning with the snooze alarm."

Me: "I was thinking much further back than that."

Suffice it to say that I let that part of the conversation die right there. One, she looked somewhat perplexed and two, I didn't have the time nor the inclination to delve into my lifelong fascination with time travel.

From 1979's excellent (but dated) Time After Time (with Malcolm McDowell and David Warner) through the late 80s/early 90s run of Quantum Leap to more recent fare like Donnie Darko, Lost and even Life On Mars, I've always been drawn to content that dealt with time travel.

I think it's because that's something we haven't quite mastered yet and, as a result, it's one of the few things still left out there in the realm of the fantastic--in other words, true science fiction.

In fact, if you ever want an interesting read, try Ken Grimwood's book, Replay...

I'm not revealing anything astonishing by telling you that the main character dies within the first few pages of the book because that's where the fun starts. He awakens in his own body at age 18 and, with his memories intact, has to live his life over...and over...and over...each time with a shortened life span.

The most interesting point is how he alters his life slightly each time and the consequences that occur as a result.

So I suppose I have two questions for my faithful readers...

If you could press a button and go back, at what point would you start over and live your life differently knowing what you know now? Or would you even want to go back?

And, what are you fascinated with in terms of the unknown? Is it ghosts...the afterlife...the human psyche...or why dogs enjoy the wind blowing in their faces when they stick their heads out of a car window but get irritated when you blow in their face?

Talk to me...because I keep feeling fascination with all of you too!

Lamentations on Language and a Tried and True Testament to Tactile Tomes

2009-04-13T00:14:00.000-04:00

"There sighs, lamentations and loud wailings resounded through the stareless air so that at first it made me weep; strange tongues, horrible language, words of pain, tones of anger, voices loud and hoarse, and with these the sound of hands, made a tumult which is whirling through that air forever dark, and sand eddies in a whirlwind."
--Dante Alighieri

(Pay attention...there'll be a fun quiz at the end! :) )

Thanks to Dante, we're able to conjure up a vision of Hell. However, when you think about the internet (some blogging, talkbacks, etc.), you can understand where "strange tongues, horrible language, words of pain [and] tones of anger" can be very similar to that. Moreover, the media thrives upon those who utilize "voices loud and hoarse" to get their points across, thereby releasing hellish beings like Bill O'Reilly, Glen Beck, Keith Olbermann (who I used to like) and a host of others to stifle intelligent discourse in lieu of one-sided opinions.

They are legion! Lol.

However, that discussion may best be saved for another post.

This post relates, however, to that quote in that I've noticed a trend in "horrible language" that now seems to permeate everyday life.

Has anyone else noticed that, when you're reading a story, column, post or anything else (by "professional" writers, mind you), you'll zip along the text and it hits you that one word wasn't quite right? Then, as an act of lunacy, you begin to question whether they're right and you're wrong!

Let me provide an example...

Say you're reading a mystery story where a crime has just occured and, just as the suspense is building, you come across something like this...

"Mack stood over the lifeless body as traffic echoed loudly throughout the room from the street below. From the hallway, he could here the faint clicking of heals growing ever distant."

Huh?

If you're imagining the voice of a narrator in your head, it "sounds" right to you, but you know there's something amiss.

Oh, right...there are two incorrect words in the latter sentence.

This is a growing problem that annoys the hell out of me.

Obviously, it escapes spellchecking because, technically, the words are spelled correctly. They're just the wrong words!

You don't "here" something...you hear something. And those aren't "heals" that are clicking (that is, unless, it's an alien race or magical shaman that can somehow remedy illnesses and are afflicted with TMJ Syndrome)...they're heels and are worn.

Some other words most often confused...

Something piques your interest, not "peaks" (or "peeks") it...

You lose control, not "loose"...

They're going to the store...not "their" or "there"

And one that infuriates me to no end is perfectly illustrated by this photo...

Not "your" a retard!

I sometimes wonder how we're allowing our society to become a nation of retards (those easily offended can take a gander at my earlier post on the true definition of "retard"). I don't think it's because we don't read enough.

It's that we don't read the right things.

The inclination nowadays is to get information from a convenient source like the internet. That's fine but make sure that what you're getting is quality.

Personally, I don't like reading everything online. Maybe I'm old school (not unlike Frank "the Tank" Ricard), but I still prefer the tactile sense of picking up a magazine, newspaper or a book. I fear with the arrival of gadgets like the Kindle (or the Kindle 2--they dropped the "Electric Boogaloo", thankfully) or the increasing reliance upon the web, that we're ultimately going to put less effort in substance and quality in order to hurry news and other bits of information along to the masses. As a result, we're going to learn to accept incorrect language, misspellings and even wrong information--and we're going to be worse off in the long run.

I hope that I'm wrong...I really do. But I see more and more evidence of it each day and in everything that I read.

Then again, by the time we reach the "Idiocracy" stage, my flesh will be undoubtedly roasting in the flames of Hell.

According to Dante's Inferno Test, I'm already destined for the Fifth Circle...where will you be?

Hopefully, your not near any devils with there pitchforks, hot on your heals and making you loose your sanity!

>:)

P.S. Told you there would be a quiz at the end!

Saturday Observations

2009-04-11T17:16:00.000-04:00

I abhor doing resumes. I especially despise toiling away on them to upload on a potential employer's website only to discover that you still have to fill in all the information anyway!

The Tribe seems to be off to a blazing start this year as 2008's Cy Young winner, Cliff Lee, drops to 0-2. What is it with that team having reigning Cy Young winners falter right out of the gate? It happened with Sabathia too....but he's consistent because he stumbles out of the gate every year. This year, however, he doesn't have a nice, cushy NL Central division to fall back upon for victories. And I hate the Yankees!

I caught a picture of Tiger in the green at the Masters. Unless they're starting to make the jacket out of foliage, I don't think he'll be wearing one this year. I like Tiger--especially since he gets people to watch golf that normally wouldn't. Not to mention the fact that he's incredibly talented. He'll be back to form...give him time!

It's amazing what a difference there is in the topography between cities like Las Vegas and Pittsburgh. It's difficult getting re-acclimated to driving on roads that are narrow and replete with hills as opposed to the wide open expanse of Vegas. However, it's nice to deal with people that don't have a wide open expanse between their ears as possessed by most of the population in Vegas.

I'm only a scant few chapters into Columbine by Dave Cullen but I can tell you that thus far, it grabs you and prods you to want to read more! Seems the reviews I've read about how well written it is are right on the mark.

I caught a promo on the Discovery International channel about a special on cults that airs next Friday. I had forgotten that the Jonestown massacre was the largest loss of American civilian life until 9/11. Amazing how we forget the little details over time. (Not that it's an insignificant detail...just curious as to how not many people even remember that event nor mention the amount of life lost.)

Speaking of "Lost", it's still the most interesting show on TV (come on...you didn't think I'd go much longer without mentioning it did you? ;) ) I still have my fingers crossed that it doesn't end up like the X-Files, which drowned in its own mythology.

And finally upon reading these observations again, why is it that I have the voice of Larry King in my head? Now you will too!

:D

Happy Easter everyone!

Connection Refused

2009-04-08T00:41:00.000-04:00

That's what it actually said when I tried to click on the Yahoo mail site to clean up all of the spam I receive! It was something I'd never seen before. Usually, if it takes too long, it will offer a "connection timed out" or will just give me nothing in return.

Normally, I wouldn't have given this a second thought (okay, I may have since it was so oddly phrased) but something someone said to me in an e-mail caused me to look at it another way and in terms of life overall.

She noticed that lately, very few comments appear on my blog anymore. Even that's fine since I know people read it and may mention something in passing later on.

Then I thought about it a little more...and noticed that I receive very few e-mails as of late too.

Not only that, but I was on my cell provider's website today searching for the software to add music to my phone so I can create my own ring and ringback tones...and happened to see that of the 950 minutes I have available, only 74 minutes have been used--and the monthly cycle is nearly up!

Add to that the fact that the person who mentioned the lack of responses to my blog suddenly disappeared mid conversation!

Suddenly, I felt like Flounder in Animal House just as he's about to enter the Delta frat and smells under his arms and breathes into his cupped hands to check for possible halitosis.

Is it me...or are people overall just vanishing from life altogether? Is this everyone's crazy time of year? Has there been a zombie holocaust that I've not been made aware of? Is it possible people are refusing to connect with me?

I tend to respond to everyone who contacts me within a day or two at the latest. Needless to say, I've had extra free time on my hands...lol.

Anyway, just some random things on my mind today (other than mysterious disappearances)...

Has anyone noticed that when Hollywood finds even a marginally marketable personality, they have to milk the hell out of them until we're sick of seeing their faces? Although I like the actors, I think Emily Blunt has a movie coming out every other week and I just passed Seth Rogen in the hallway. Hey...he's everywhere else...why not here?

Is there anything they haven't put in a "wrap" at fast food establishments and grocery stores yet? Pretty soon, milkshakes will come in a frigging wrap if this keeps up.

Here's how I see producers mulling over any Jason Statham film..."Either we put foreign substances in his body or we don't...then we add really fast cars and a smattering of women...and to appease America's appetite for ridiculous violence, let's have him beat the living hell out of anyone that crosses his path with outrageously choreographed violence!"

Remember that classic I Love Lucy episode where Lucy and Ethel work on the candy factory assembly line and hijinks ensue?

Candy making is supposed to be filled with mirth and merriment...except with my family. They were making candy today (as they've done many times in the past around the holidays) and while watching TV upstairs, I heard anger tinged bellows of "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!" emanating from the kitchen. I decided to turn up the volume on the TV since, sadly, there was no laugh track accompanying the scene unfolding below.

But there was one uplifting moment of the day...though it took a worldwide economic crisis to bring at least one person to this realization, it's nice to see that someone "gets it"...

Don't Confuse Money With Happiness

Sage advice indeed...now enjoy your wraps! ;)

Roll call must have been hell...

2009-04-04T17:49:00.000-04:00

Simple Pleasures

2009-04-03T15:25:00.000-04:00

Taking a brief respite from composing a very intricate resume for an available position, I ran to the bank and decided to take along my iTouch.

For me, that's the best invention ever since I can recall lugging around those cumbersome Sony Walkmans (both tape and CD..yes, I'm old)! I only have the 8GB but, with about 1,600 songs on there, I never lack for entertainment (my only issue is that it should shuffle songs randomly a little better since I finally had to remove Curtis Mayfield's "Superfly" since I had heard it at least 6 days in a row).

While driving in the rain, I heard Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver" followed by a song from Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog courtesy of Joss Whedon. At that point, I had to just listen to the whole damn soundtrack.

And why?

Because one of my simple pleasures is listening to great lyrics...especially if from a musical.

I can admit it...I have a soft spot for great musicals! Jesus Christ Superstar is probably my all time favorite as I've seen it about 5 times with each production vastly different from the last. In Vegas, my friend Scott and I would belt out selections from West Side Story while at our local watering hole much to the chagrin of fellow patrons and friends. And I love when TV series break out into song with a musical episode. Writing dialogue is difficult enough, but combine lyrics with the power of music and I'm sold! (With any luck, my friend will still need me to supply lyrics for a low budget movie he's writing...fingers crossed as I've already jotted some down...lol.)

When it comes to other simple pleasures that just get me through the day, I think I'm a little different than most. Maybe I'll just hit the bookstore for some magazines like the Canuck periodical Rue Morgue that's designed for horror fans. Perhaps the new issues of Fast Company or Wired are available. And always...the one, two, three weekly combo of Time, Newsweek and Entertainment Weekly.

I also love discovering a great movie on TV. Last week I was all set to watch a Netflix selection when I noticed that TCM was running a old favorite, Capricorn One (1978). They also tend to air old "underground" or cult films each Friday night at around 2am.

Sometimes, a new simple pleasure can come about while toiling away at another task. Last year, I was cleaning the condo when I spotted a Flipping Out marathon on Bravo. I tuned in because I thought the chick was pretty hot. I kept viewing not because of her or the "reality" and drama of it but because I was intrigued by what they did to upgrade the homes to turn a profit. Ok...the hot chick helped! ;)

I love a rainy Saturday when I don't have anything to do. Kicking back reading comics, writing or just even enjoying a late day nap can be enough for me. A Friday night out with friends just chatting while enjoying some fine frosty beverages and sampling wings can be fun. Or, getting a bunch of people together to play board games is always a perfect change of pace. (Speaking of which, I'm dying to play one that I read about in Wired called The Settlers of Catan. I'm also a sucker for strategic board games, by the way.)

But people don't get to enjoy these things as much as they used to. I was talking to a friend who said she works about 70 hours a week. I recall a time when I was interviewing for a management position at a restaurant years back and they asked me how I felt about working 100 hours a week.

I quickly did the math in my head.

There are 168 hours in a week.

Subtract the 100 hours working. That's 68 remaining. Not feeling too good about it so far.

Factor in showering (at least I hope so for some), dressing, meals and a commute and that's at least (we'll say based on a 6 day work week which is gracious of them) another 20 hours. That's 48 remaining. Feeling downright sick at this point.

That's two whole days of fun and frolic, right?

Not unless the side effects of sleep deprivation happen to tickle your fancy. So...based on the recommended amount of 8 hours of sleep a night, that's another 56 hours you can shave off.

Oh...wait...that's unrealistic. Mostly because everyday stress will keep you awake for part of the night. Not to mention that those hours would put you in the negative, so let's amend that number to 5 1/2 hours a night. That eliminates 37 1/2 hours (let's drop it to 37 because fate shines kindly upon you in this life! That leaves 11 hours.

ELEVEN HOURS!!!!

Enjoy...grab life by the horns and don't let go, my friend, because you are in for quite a ride! As for how I feel? Flatlining at this point!

Now I realize that this is an extreme case, but even working 60 hours a week doesn't leave you much time. Those numbers above are also based on a single person. Can you imagine having a family and only having 11 hours of quality time?

There's rarely time for simple pleasures anymore for many. And, based on those numbers, no wonder there's a severe decline in family values. When both parents are working those types of hours, the relationship with the children and each other suffers. For single people, the hermit lifestyle is born because the time and energy to enjoy life is almost nil.

Oh well...until I figure out how to get that perfect balance, I'll just keep singing my own tune. Maybe people will sing along someday...and perhaps we can all find time for our simple pleasures!

"You've gotta
Make your own kind of music.
Sing
Your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along"
--"Make Your Own Kind Of Music", "Mama" Cass Elliot

Locked Away

2009-04-02T00:06:00.000-04:00

Someone remarked today that I hadn't written anything in a while and wanted to know if anything was wrong.

Lol. Where do I begin?

But I won't bore people with tales of woe because, frankly, I'm tired of thinking about them.

There are just some things that aren't necessary to share with the entire world. I know quite a few people think that, in the technological age, everything is game for public viewing. Not me.

I've always been mostly a private person and there are so few that know much of the intricate details of my life...just as I suspect there are those close to me that haven't shared each and every detail with me either.

Which is ok. Some things are meant to be locked away and dealt with personally. There's a personal safe deposit box within each of us and we rarely give anyone else the other key to peer in and see what's inside.

I think I tossed the other key away years ago...lol. What's inside is of no consequence to anyone and should remain private, never to see the light of day again. I know what's inside...and no one else should bear that burden.

The one thing that made me laugh today, however, had to do with my odd little thought process. I was thinking about my relationship with a family member who shall remain nameless. They have a good heart but rarely show it. Instead, they cast no blame at themselves for their lot in life but feel that it's necessary to point out faults with everyone else and, in some cases, blame others for their mistakes.

And I thought to myself that (if it would even do any good, but it won't) I should tell them "You're emotionally selfish."

My next immediate thought was of the image of Fezzik piping in and adding "Anybody want some shellfish?"

Sometimes that's the sort of thing that keeps me going throughout the day.

Sometimes, though...it's just not enough.

Retro Fits Me Just Fine!

2009-03-27T01:22:00.000-04:00

One of the best discoveries I've made since being back is the Retro TV Network!

This is what Nick At Nite was at one point before they started programming reruns of shows THAT ARE STILL ON THE AIR...lol.

This channel (which sadly is not available everywhere) has most of the shows I love and haven't seen in years. The Hardy Boys used to air Sunday nights (right before CHiPs I believe) and I recall my friends and I winding down our days enjoying those shows and talking about them the following day. Buck Rogers was always a favorite of mine as was Night Gallery and Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

Of course when I watch them now it's for nostalgia's sake because some of them (I'm looking at you Buck Rogers...but wasn't Erin Grey smoking hot in those outfits?) are downright cheesy and laughable in the modern era.

But they entertained which is more than I can say for a lot of shows today.

I also love the fact that anyone could pop up on those shows. Actors and actresses back then easily made the transition from TV to film, especially if they were character actors like John Saxon, Stuart Whitman (who I believe was the only person to "die" on Fantasy Island) and a host of others I could spend all day naming (for example, does anyone remember when Leslie Nielsen was a bad guy in everything he was in?).

In fact, one show I loved that wouldn't work today that was just chock full of celebrities...

Now how entertaining was THAT show?

I can't imagine today's celebrities having that much fun...

When We're Out Together Living Check To Check

2009-03-25T00:49:00.000-04:00

Pardon me for the riff on the old Irving Berlin classic, "Cheek to Cheek", but I watched something on HBO Friday night that I thought I'd share.

This is something that struck me as absolutely hilarious and true all at once and, upon the ending of this particular "New Rule" (courtesy of Bill Maher's March 20th edition of Real Time), I immediately received a call from one of my best friends who exclaimed excitedly, "This is what we've been talking about for over a year!"

Maher basically starts out by poking fun at the riot for America's Next Top Model as seen here...

...by telling people to ask themselves questions like: "Are you six feet tall? Are you screwing Tom Brady? No? Then you're not a top model."

He goes on to draw a brilliant correlation between this type of behavior in American culture and the recent fiasco with AIG in the following monologue...

"When did Americans become the 'something-for-nothings'? When did we get this 'lotto' mentality that our only chance for success was to be plucked from obscurity and dropped onto Bret Michaels Love Bus?

Maybe it was when the super wealthy--you know, the ones who 'create jobs' when they get huge tax breaks--except they don't'--they buy antique commodes and lap dances--maybe it was when those 'job creators' stopped trickling the money down, leaving the working class with none of the gains and all of the cynicism that goes with thinking the game is fixed.

Maybe that's what leads to 'Guitar Hero' culture where everybody wants to be a rock star but nobody wants to learn the chords.

You know...Paris and Nicole and Kim are nice girls, but...let's not forget they do, and have done, nothing. Not even acted in anything they'd admit to. But they're not reviled or dismissed for being ciphers. They're adored for it. Because they exemplify the national ideal: they got a lot for doing nothing.

The AIG guys wanted a lot for not just doing nothing, but for failing--no matter that they are the very people who schemed their company into the ground--they want their bonuses.

And Myrna from Long Island wants to be a top model...

FUCK REALITY!"

You know, shortly before leaving Vegas, I remember having this inane conversation with someone...

Him: "How long do you think it would take to make a million dollars just starting out with $10?"

Me: "Doing...what?"

Him: "Okay...let's say you bet $10 and won, then took those winnings, bet again and won. If you keep on doing that, how long would it take you?"

Me: "That's insane. That's assuming you're going to win each time you bet."

Him: "Oh it's possible."

Well of course it's possible. Nearly anything is possible. But what he was positing was HIGHLY improbable.

You see...I ran into a lot of people out there with that mindset. It's the "get rich quick" (aka delusional) thinking that nearly brought our entire economic system into complete collapse. Sure, that thinking permeates the entire country, but it seemed to be concentrated out in the west because most of the people I met thought that they could just win all the time. Most only talked about their winnings. Yet, somehow, the casinos were still there and weren't going under which I found odd. With all these people raking in the cash, you'd think that place would be a ghost town by now!

However, I can understand their mentality to some degree. I've seen people work hard all their lives and always seem to end up treading water, living check to check and barely getting by. When the media promotes celebrities, sports figures, businesspeople and politicians making obscene amounts of money, people feel that they should be entitled to something as well.

More often than not, I agree...but nothing comes free. Hard work should better your life, not diminish it.

Somehow we've strayed from that concept...and we've only got ourselves to blame.

You know we've got a huge problem when I'M the one espousing the desire to get back to reality!

;)

Presidential gaffe?

2009-03-20T18:08:00.000-04:00

Nah...self deprecating humor.

Relax everyone.

Yes, I heard the comment Obama made on The Tonight Show Thursday as I watched it and I immediately knew that he'd be roasted over the coals for that one.

My question is...why?

We've all done that at one point or another. He was merely stating that he sucks at bowling. I never thought that he was saying anything detrimental toward handicapped people. Yet somehow I knew that the media would jump all over it.

Should he have apologized? Of course (which he did)! Because he's the ultimate public figure and he knew that others would perceive it differently.

And why?

Because people, for the most part, are retarded!

Yes...I said it and I won't apologize.

And, once again, why?

Retarded,adj., slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress. note: Merriam Webster also adds that the word is "sometimes offensive".

There's nothing wrong with the word in and of itself.

I know plenty of people who are emotionally retarded when it comes to relationships. I'm retarded when it comes to advanced science (and sometimes relationships but that's a story for another time ;) ) because I'm not wired that way.

I even have moments of retardation. Take today, for example. During a break in Final Four action, I switched over to the Padres-Cubs game briefly. I saw everyone sitting in the stands wearing sunglasses and light clothing. What was the first thought that ran through my head?

"How can it be that warm in Chicago?"

Immediately, I knew how retarded that comment was since I was slow to realize that it's still spring training and the Cubs are playing in Arizona!

The funny thing is that Obama never used the word. It's others who decided that's what he was trying to get across.

And he was in a way.

Because when it comes to being adept at the game of bowling, Obama is retarded.

We don't need him to bowl for us, though. We need him to fix the problems of the past administrations. In effect, that's what we hired him to do. Personally, I think he's the right person for the job. I didn't at first because he failed to impress me in the primaries. Since then, however, I've listened to him and watched him grow and I truly believe that in his heart, he wants what's best for America.

So hey retards...quit nitpicking, cut the BS and let him do his job. That goes for everyone else in society. We'd all be so much better off if we listened to George Carlin and adopt his common sense view of the world.

Language

Stop taking everything so literally and learn to take a joke once in a while. Contrary to what the Declaration of Independence says, we are not all created equal. Stop trying to pretend that we are and just enjoy life.

And for the do gooders and naysayers who find this line of thinking aberrant...remember, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

And I'm not even thinking of ducking...

That's one to grow on...

Round And Round I Go

2009-03-19T22:22:00.000-04:00

I specifically got up early today so that I could beat the lines at the DMV.

That was probably the only successful part of that endeavor.

When I entered the PA Dept. of Transportation, I noticed that there was almost no one there! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. So I walked up to get a ticket to get my new driver's license and was called immediately.

"Sorry, we don't handle that here. You have to grab a ticket for the other line."

Okay.

The number on the ticket was only two away from the ones that they were calling. Within two minutes I was approaching the desk.

"Sorry, you need a second form of ID like a birth certificate."

Well, I do have a photocopy. Nah...has to be with the raised seal.

That I don't have...so I stormed out of there.

Now I should mention that the only reason I was in a real rush to obtain my valid PA license is because I needed to show proof of a change of residence since...

I GOT CALLED FOR JURY DUTY IN VEGAS!!!

Never have I been summoned for that fun task before and, now that I am, I can't do it.

So I rushed home and ordered a copy of my birth certificate online, spending an extra $17 to have UPS Air deliver it.

At that point, I figured I'd better call the place in Vegas and explain why I couldn't fax them the proof that they needed within the three day deadline they gave me.

After a half hour of the most awful, repetitive Muzak, I had the opportunity to speak with someone.

"Oh...you're living in another state? What's your new address? Ok...just disregard that notice."

There went $17 out the window for that jiffy delivery.

Then I had to locate my nearest AAA office. Not only do I have to switch my membership over, but, according to the guy at the DMV, I need to contact AAA for my title transfer since "we don't do that here".

What the hell do they do at the PA DMV?

I think what makes me most upset is that I stopped at the Verizon store yesterday and they had all my information at their fingertips. Netflix? My new movie found my new address two days after I mailed the last movie from Vegas.

So why is it not possible to go in with a valid license to another state and, since they could swipe it and see that I have a clean record across the board, just have me sign some things and give me a new one?

Swiper no swiping...

I understand that each state has different regulations and I really don't mind spending a few hours getting all of this done. However, when I have to use gas to travel to many different locations and still meet with problems when a simple swipe would suffice, it just irritates me.

Swiper no swiping...

In fact, on the way home from a fun filled family outing tonight, I spied a cop pull up behind me and punch my license plate into his computer. Apparently he was satisfied since he then got in the other lane and drove away. He didn't need to swipe anything and I'll bet that he ran all of my information since I was born to see if there was anything amiss. Yet a simple card swipe at the local DMV can't solve anything.

Swiper no swiping...

*Sigh*...well, it was written three times, so I guess I'm foiled again.

Now all I need to find these other places I have to go is a map...I need a map, need a map, need a map, need a map, need a map, need a map...

I NEED A MAP!

Can YOU help me find where I need to go?

;)

The Skinny, The Lowdown, The Dope, The Straight Poop...

2009-03-17T17:21:00.000-04:00

Arrived from Cleveland yesterday where nothing exciting happened...and I do mean nothing...lol.

Saw some old friends and went out a bit but that was about it. Frankly, it was just nice to bunk down in the same place for a few days without having to drive in the morning.

Jack and I have arrived safely and, for the most part, he's been adjusting pretty well. Today, however, my family and I took him out to the local outdoor mall area and he started hacking and then throwing up after a while. I'm not sure but I think he may need a little more adjusting time as he's not used to all the people, cars and general mayhem surrounding him. What will be really nice is when I finally get my own place and he has ample room to roam.

Me? I adapt pretty quickly.

But I'll adapt better when I have more room to roam, peace and quiet and a place to just enjoy solitude from the world! ;)

My main goal?

I think it can be summed up with this quote...

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak."
--Hans Hoffman

Here's to eliminating the unnecessary!

Speaking of which, here's a Yoko Update for my regular readers taken verbatim from an e-mail sent to me by Mark...

"Supposedly she had a job interview on Monday. Was all excited about it. Haven't heard from her since and her phone has been off all week. She said she sustained a concussion. First she said it was from opening the car door. Then she said it happened in the kitchen. And it made me wonder...how did she get the car into the kitchen? Amazing."

I also need to post some untold tales of Yoko soon. I recalled things that I had completely forgotten about that are just as funny. She's the gift that keeps on giving!

Counterpoint--Things To Be Happy About!

2009-03-14T15:45:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon this site while reading something on Cracked.com...

It's the "miserable fact" of the day for March 6th...

Approximately 1 in 25 people is a sociopath.

Think about it...just by virtue of reading this and knowing me, your other 24 friends are ok!

That has to brighten your day!

>:)