I... (Part one)

...am considering an ending...

...but not the one you might think of upon first glance.

Read

"In my end is my beginning."
--T.S. Eliot

Unifying Images-Guess the common theme

All sum up what I'm sincerely ready to do in a big way...

Friday the 13th

You know, I was just telling someone yesterday that I don't dread Friday the 13th. Usually everyone is paranoid about bad luck but since I pretty much have it each day of the year, things usually take a 180 on this particular day.

So I got up and took Jack to the vet for his annual update. They gave him some Benadryl prior to the shots to prevent an allergic reaction. After administering the shots, I was checking out and awaiting some estimates on the cost of him getting neutered. Then, the guy who grooms him came over to chat.

Jack started hacking a bit and as I moved him from leaning over my shoulder to holding him in my arms, I noticed his heart pounding slowly. The nurse mentioned how he looked droopy. She thought it best for the doctor to take a look at him and told me to come back in about 15 minutes or so.

I went to run an errand and came back. They told me to step into the office.

Apparently, Jack went into anaphylactic shock and had I not stopped to get the info and chat with the groomer, he would have died in the car on the way home.

They're keeping him for observation until 6.

Now the entire cost for what was supposed to be a quick trip to the vet is well over $600.

As long as he's ok, I'm fine with that.

But goddamn it, it would be nice if things worked out ONE fucking day in life.

Had he died, all of you would have seen my rampage on the news today.

I suppose for those who are "positive thinkers", it's nice to know that the universe decided to give me a clue that bad luck is now 365 days a year instead of one less--and now it's rubbed off on Jack.

Jurassic Park is back online!

My internet connection went down on Saturday and until late last night, wasn't able to access anything.

What was fun was not only catching up on my reading, but also the colossal arguments with both the cable company and the family.

Good times.

I figured my situation was akin to the film since most people in the area tend to still get their ideals about life and technology from around that time period...

Karma Chameleon

As I was driving home from getting my hair cut today, I figured that I should probably grab some lunch. Since there aren't too many places close to home from which to choose, I immediately opted for Wendy's since I knew it had the best chance of surviving the remaining few miles and still be somewhat hot when I finally had the opportunity to eat the meal.

The voice that bellowed through the speakers was just tinged with misery. Just imagine an exasperated, fed up voice...

"Welcome to Wendy's. What would you like?"

Probably the funniest part about the whole thing was that I almost had no idea what I wanted as I leaned out the window. Yet, somehow, I reeled off the most specific order possible including the size of the meal (medium) with nary a change to the way that they prepare their burger (as I detest tomatoes but figure I'll pick them off myself). The only question she had to ask was what I wanted to drink. It always escapes me as to what particular beverage fast food places serve (Pepsi or Coke), so I just always tell them either/or in regards to the drink. They water it down so much, in the end, it doesn't matter anyway.

Suddenly, the voice brightened and thanked me after telling me to pull to the first window.

When I approached the window to offer payment, the woman was smiling and told me that she appreciated the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted as some hem and haw for minutes.

Sure, I was glad to detract from the otherwise monotonous activities of her day, but in my heart I know that I order specifically to get the hell out of there and away from the general public. I'm of the caveman mentality..."bag it and drag it back to the cave".

Then I approached the next window. I was quickly handed my drink but had to wait a few moments for my burger and fries. Before the bag popped out of the window, I was handed another drink. I informed them that I already had one (just like the French soldiers in regard to the Grail), but she said that she made a mistake and that I could have an extra one to take back to the office. (My casual business attire must have confused her into thinking I was respectable!)

So, I eventually drove away with two drinks and a hot meal.

And as I thought about the extra drink, I realized that this is the type of "good karma" I hear about every so often. Like a chameleon, it presents itself in different ways each day.

However, when you get down to the nitty gritty, it's all a facade.

Like all the other "good karma", it's served in a medium container, very cold, watered down, and, ultimately, only offers a brief respite from thirsting for what truly satisfies you.

Oh karma chameleon, you truly do come and go...all too quickly...

"You can't always get what you want...

...but if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need"
--You Can't Always Get What You Want, Rolling Stones

Several weeks ago, I happened to chuckle at the horoscope that was sent to me, telling me that my mantra over the next few days would be "delayed gratification" and that "showing up and playing the game, win or lose" is where I would find the most joy.

If I may retort to this prognostication by utilizing the delicate vernacular, might I say...

(Earmuffs, kids...)

BULLSHIT!

First of all, the so called "delayed gratification" isn't a mantra I would adhere to for a few days; rather, it seems to be apt to place on the title of my autobiography.

Second of all, who ever said there was joy in losing? I show up to places every day (work, home) and Bigfoot is spotted more often than I "win" at anything.

I've found that it rarely pays to get excited about most things. For example, I recently decided to go back to grad school. Great, right? Well, not so much. You see, I need a few things in my arsenal (transcripts, letters from professors, GRE scores, a sample of a work I would eventually submit as a thesis, etc.) to fully apply.

All within a month or so.

Some of those are going to be somewhat difficult to get on short notice as I obtained my B.A. oh...about 18 years ago. Lol. One professor may remember me, I'm almost certain that I'll need to retake the GRE and I need to really sharpen my project as it's meant for screenwriting, not for an MFA in English and creative writing.

Now of course I'm not giving up and will e-mail these schools to see what requirements I would have to meet to be considered. And I'm not looking for an easy way out.

But it would be nice to catch a break once in a while.

I've delayed gratification long enough and by damn, it's time for all that "karma" that everyone seems to talk about to come my way.

That's what I want AND need!

Quotes of the Day

Alice came to a fork in the road.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.

"I don't know", Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

--Alice In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

"And if you don't know where you're going
Any road will take you there."

--"Any Road", George Harrison

Just in a pensive mood...unsure.