Movie Rules!

Funny that a friend and I were just talking about this today. Some people get it and some don't.

(Mostly it's the dullards who don't, by the way...which is pretty much everyone else in the theater!)

I'm planning on seeing Religulous on Sunday and a friend mentioned that if I was going to let her know...so I did...BUT...I laid down the "movie rules" right away...and this is how they apply to ANYONE!

1) Be there a half hour early!
--This is important because that way you give yourself enough time to feel comfortable in case the retard that you're going with decides to be late. This rule varies depending upon the release and the particular day you choose. If it's a Friday night on a major new release, the minimum time to arrive at the theater is at least 45 minutes early...concession lines are long and for some reason, people just seem befuddled like they've never been there before...again, don't let morons screw up your enjoyment!

2) There will be nachos!
--At least for me. I always get them and, depending upon the chain that owns the theater, I have to have them a specific way. Before Regal Cinemas got so frugal, they used to drizzle the warm cheese in 2 attached containers...now, they've rationed it down to one. That means that when you get extra cheese, they give you that bullshit container that's a different brand. So now, you have to decide which one you're going to attack first with the chips. There also must be jalapenos and the distribution between chip, jalapeno and cheese usually determines what type of movie it will be (equal distribution means good to excellent movie, poor distribution signifies something like Failure To Launch...get my drift?)

3) The buffer seat is of paramount importance!
--ESPECIALLY with men...I don't care if crippled orphans come into the theater looking for one remaining seat...see the next show! I can't tell you how important this is! If with a female, we'd better have been dating a few times to even think about sitting next to me. We all need elbow room!

4) SHUT THE FUCK UP!
--This goes for everyone. I don't want to hear your comments until AFTER the movie. We can exchange glances about events onscreen but save the quips for later. Rest assured, I will know what you're talking about!

5) Seating is everything.
--Yes, and this is why you get there early! Choosing your seat is everything. Once again, depending on the day, date, movie, etc you need to sit toward the middle or even back of the theater. If relatively empty, the center is ok...if a packed audience, ALWAYS the aisle.

6) Credits rule!
--Not only have these people worked hard to bring you enjoyment (or sheer pain depending upon the film), but you also have to sit through the credits...you never know when there's going to be extra stuff at the end. Besides, let all the miscreants file out first so you don't have to deal with them.

Now those are the major ones. It goes without saying that I will beat you senseless if you text or talk on a cell during the film, for example , so I shouldn't even have to mention that! There are other minor ones that I can overlook but really, if you can abide by these, we shouldn't have an issue! ;)

Is it any wonder I go to films alone a lot?

Or do everything else alone?

LOL