I...(the 8th and final part)

...look back at where I was a decade ago.

I was living in Pittsburgh, working at a job I absolutely despised (a bank) and still had a sense of optimism for what the future held.

Ten years later, I'm back in Pittsburgh, working at a job I can tolerate but is not "me" and that sense of optimism has diminished quite a bit.

The past decade seems like a blur, really. I spent 5 years living in Cleveland and another 2 1/2 in Vegas. I've met a lot of people along the way, some great, some not, some still in my life, some not, one that's no longer with us and some I wish weren't (yes, that's cold hearted, but truthful).

I've lived, loved, lied, lamented, laughed and longed...basically running the gamut of emotions and experiences as everyone has.

Mostly, though, as I look back on how life has been, it appears as if I've conceded in a lot of ways to the realities of the world. These concessions aren't of a superfluous nature, mind you, because they've taught me invaluable lessons on how I might want to spend the next decade and beyond.

As I mentioned in my last post, the past ten years seemed to highlight an era that was replete with dreamers. However, many of those dreamers were of the delusional type, imagining untold riches beyond that which many are capable of reaching or handling.

Now it's not to say that I've dreamed of getting rich quickly (or otherwise). But perhaps I've set lofty goals for myself that aren't as realistic as I had once imagined.

What really started me thinking about this is something that was brought up in a podcast between sportswriter Bill Simmons and author Chuck Klosterman (which you can listen to here if you scroll down to The B.S. Report 12/21 parts 1 & 2). The two were talking about college football being exciting to watch and Klosterman brought up the point that he loves to watch college players because, for the majority of them, this is the highlight of their lives. While a small percentage will go on to play in the NFL, many will eventually become insurance salesmen, attorneys, retail workers, teachers, or something other than football stars.

So I started to wonder...what if I've reached the apex of who I am? That is to say...what if I've crested in my life in terms of where I'm going and perhaps haven't realized it yet. Or maybe I haven't. Or maybe the best is yet to come.

Perhaps it's time to tone down the dreams several notches and just be realistic for a while. If things happen, great; if they don't, then I'll be prepared.

In any case, I read an article a few months back that was intriguing. A writer from Wired magazine was going to attempt to vanish and see if people could track him down. Several issues later, he published the outcome: Writer Evan Ratliff Tried To Vanish--Here's What Happened.

Of course, there are flaws with his methods. The biggest one being that he dared people to find him (with a cash prize awaiting the one or ones that did). Another was leaving false information on the internet to throw people off his trail.

I say, if you really want to vanish, you have a good possibility of doing so if you plan it out correctly. In the modern age, however, odds are that if people are looking, you WILL be found eventually.

However, our society is so enamored of being loved and wanted and feeling needed that they broadcast the most excruciating minutiae of the day to both friends and strangers. Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't give a rat's ass as to how you are in 140 characters or less from your Twitter. I'd rather have a conversation with you. I also don't need to know where you're eating (or in many cases, pictures of it) through a Facebook update.

Proponents of technology argue that social networks et. al. bring people together. Of course they do, but superficially for the most part. I can't tell you how many people have broached the idea of getting together only to then fail to respond when I tell them to let me know when they're free and we can do something. I completely understand that many are married, have kids and work. I get that time is a valuable commodity. It is for all of us. I also acknowledge the fact that the economy puts a damper on going out and doing frivolous things.

But maybe just consider meeting for a beer or grabbing some wings or watching a game. You can leave your houses, people. It's not that hard and there are many places where it won't cost that much. You just have to know where to go. Hell, I haven't lived here in eight years and I've found places where it's inexpensive and you can have a good time.

Vanishing point, n., a point at which something disappears or ceases to exist.

To a lesser degree, I'm going to attempt something along the lines of Even Ratliff. I'm going to "vanish" for a while. This will be my last blog post (here, anyway). And...I'm going so far as to change my number and email address.

Now here's the catch.

I already have a new blog up but not yet running. This one will remain here just for the hell of it. I'm not providing the title of the new one here but if you can find it and you're willing to go that extra mile, I'll be waiting for you on the other side. I'll even give you two clues: my name isn't on it and the title of the blog is a variation on a somewhat eccentric 1984 book that became a movie in the early part of this decade. In fact, everything you need to know to point you in the right direction is right above in this post. Good luck on that one.

My new email should be relatively easy to figure out. Namely, there's no trickery involved there.

While I won't delete my Facebook profile (as I understand is relatively impossible and time consuming to do), I'll probably take a sabbatical from there as well.

"And my ties are severed clean
Less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign
Roamer, wander
Nomad, vagabond
Call me what you will"
--Wherever I Roam, Metallica

I'm going to close out the first decade of the new millennium on a different path. Hollie and I will be doing a Lost marathon tonight to wind up the fifth season. Perhaps having been "lost" for many years, I can find something new on the horizon and find the path I'm meant to be on.

"I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?"
--Unknown

I...(part seven)

...had originally planned to go into more detail on something I touched upon in my last post: that someone had recently mentioned that "this is the most exciting time to be alive".

I disagree of course and not out of some weird sense of nostalgia. I just think that society has developed some sort of myopic view on the world thanks to the past decade being filled with various levels of self aggrandizement. In fact, the first decade of the new millennium should now be labeled: The Decade of Self Entitlement.

Everyone feels that they deserve to be heard (99% don't), that they are the most important with opinions that matter (not so much) and that they can change the world (they could if they got their heads out of their asses and do something instead of Twittering about it).

People also feel that they can have riches and anything else they want in life by positive thinking. Not going to happen. Don't believe me? Ask financial experts and investors how "positive thinking" almost led to a worldwide meltdown. Check with homeowners on how they feel about their positive thoughts that the real estate boom would last forever.

You know, while re-watching a movie from 2000 today, I hit upon the exact diagnosis of nearly everyone from the past 10 years...

"Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage"

How prescient the Farrelly Brothers were with Me, Myself & Irene when they unknowingly made Charlie Baileygates the poster boy for the next 10 years!


As for me? Well, I'm part of that fractured dysfunctional "community" for better or worse. But when I take a look at that split image up there, I know that I want to reclaim the left half of that with the smile and make it connect all the way across to the right.

I...(part six)

...hold these truths to be self evident:

I sometimes really enjoy caramel corn. Then again, sometimes I don't.

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I spend an exorbitant amount of time wondering what's going through my dog's head. Take, for example, the other day when I was walking him. I had little else to do but watch him and have my own imaginary conversation while we merrily strolled through the neighborhood filled with errant noises, dogs aplenty and other miscellaneous adventures. This is what I was able to come up with in terms of his thoughts:

Faster. Faster! Gotta get there. Stop. Have to shake out the kinks. All better. I'll pee here. What's that smell? Keep moving. That rustling bag just freaked me out. Kind of chilly. I could really go for sniffing ass right about now. Time to pee again. Nope. Poop. Fuck you other dog! That sewer seems interesting...maybe I'll take a sniff and...CHRIST WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!? Better get out of here. What's in there? Maybe I can fit my head through the fence. I'll look up at that guy. Keep up will ya! Run with me damn it! Time to eat.

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I often find that I'm nearly completely invisible to the human eye and deaf to the human ear...which is okay most of the time since I really have little interest in interacting with them anyway. It would be nice if sometimes people would listen, though, or even allow me the right of way in traffic. At least animals look forward to seeing me so I've got that going for me.

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I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm not meant to be wealthy. Can't win at betting, hitting the lottery or even making money by working hard. For Christ sake, I can't even win more than $100 on Deal Or No Deal online...and that's FREE! Glad I know how to bargain shop because that's the only way I'll save cash.

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I truly believe that I'm the star of some Truman Show style otherworldly, heavenly or cross dimensional (depending upon what you believe) sitcom entitled "Screw That Guy" and am in the midst of drawing record ratings as my life continues to entertain those viewers. Instead of that movie's constant question (How's it going to end?), they're using "When's he going to finally snap?" for mine.

In kind of a related anecdote (since Jim Carrey was in The Truman Show too), I think one of the most surreal moments ever was when I was on a date to see The Mask and this scene came on with me singing along in the theater:



My date turned to me, brow furrowed and looking perplexed and asked: "Why is it that you know the words to Cuban Pete?" I'm almost positive that was the last date we had. Good because if you have to ask, you probably wouldn't understand why I know half the things I do.

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There are maybe 10 people I enjoy having conversations with on a regular basis.

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Someone came up to me at work the other day, plopped this book down in front of me, and asked if I could tell her what it was about. I said it was a parody. She said, "What?" I repeated myself since I didn't think she heard what I said. She then replied, "I don't know what that means."

She was in her thirties.

Then again, if you're reading Twilight related books, you're probably not too bright anyway.

Americans are a lot dumber than they think they are. That accounts for Sarah Palin's book being #1 on the bestseller list.

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I'm frightened by the fact that Palin also reads her own audio book.

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I absolutely love a good snowfall...if I don't have to go anywhere until it melts.

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I miss authentic bakeries, old used books stores (not chains, though I love Half Price Books), small independent theaters, drive ins and mini golf places.

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I don't agree with a recent statement someone made that "this is the best time to be alive because it's history in the making". I'll expand more on this thought soon.

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There's at least one to three places (but no more) where you live that you feel comfortable hanging out at. Even that changes if you move and come back. I don't even step into the places I used to go to years ago here. In Vegas, I loved BW3s, Martini's and PT's Pub (in that order). Here, I just don't feel at home at Bdubs. I can't explain why. It's just the way it is. So I found new places.

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Whatever happens, happens. 2010 will be pretty much like 2009. Some shit you think will happen, won't. Plans you made will fall by the wayside. There will be some surprises (both good and bad) and life will go on. Or it won't. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.

I...(part five)

...tend to over-: analyze; observe; (be) protective (of); compensate; act; do it; react; estimate...

You name it...the last few years, I've tended to "over" anything you can mention. These are just a few of my faults.

"If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice."

This quote is actually from a google search from me just typing in "fault quotes" and not attributed to anyone in particular.

Too bad, because it's somewhat accurate in terms of how I am.

I DO give advice...but it's not from some lofty superiority complex that I have...it's from what I've lived through.

And it's not as if I know it all, because I don't. In no uncertain terms do I even remotely believe that I grasp "the meaning of life".

I had great conversations with people tonight that made me think of things in different ways.

In fact, that's what I seek out, more than anything.

I absolutely love having discussions with others, no matter what point of view that they have. Sometimes they sway me...sometimes it's vice versa.

The point is that the conversations take place.

However...

On the flip side...

I tend to offer advice when it's not requested or needed. I do find myself pushing "advice" on others.

I'm flawed.

I'm at fault.

I don't particularly like who I am and where I'm at in life...and if psychoanalyzed, I'm overcompensating...I'm projecting my faults, fears and whatever else onto others.

I get it. I'm pretty self-actualized.

Well...somewhat. ;)

There are things I need to work on.

There are things everyone needs to work on.

But for me to be happy and to actually be at the place I want to be...

It's akin to this...



We're all tired of working toward who we want to be and what we're trying to achieve...and all in an attempt to make living life a little easier.

In the words of Jerry Maguire,

"Help ME, help YOU"

If we all do that, wouldn't we all overcome our faults a little easier?

I...(part four)

...totally agree with the quote by Cyril Connolly that it's "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Too often as of late, I've read a lot of things that seem to have been great ideas but somehow got lost in the shuffle as they made their way toward public consumption.

Take, for example, Under The Dome, which I mentioned in a prior post. For about 90% of the book, I was enthralled at how life in a small town can break down very quickly if cut off from the rest of the world. Had Stephen King stuck to his guns, he would have had one of the best post 9/11 stories about paranoia and religious zeal gone very awry. Instead, he opted to add some supernatural and unearthly elements to it that managed to ultimately make the novel pull the very punch it was trying to land in making a point.

The current book I'm reading (The Moment Of Psycho: How Hitchcock Taught America To Love Murder) as well as a previous book (Looking For Calvin & Hobbes) both had great premises (well, to me at least as the movie and comic strip were works of art) but fell flat. The issue with both was that we're taken out of the prose and what the authors were attempting to relay to the reader when they decided to insert themselves and their experiences with each subject into the mix.

First of all, I don't care how much Moment author David Thomson enjoyed Psycho when he was 19 and living in London (perhaps because the title refers to America loving the film as an example) and how much fun Looking's author Nevin Martell's tour of Bill Watterson's hometown was. Second of all, both books eventually stray from their primary objective. In Thomson's case, he wanders off to talk about Hitchcock's next features which is relatively unnecessary. Martell's attempt to interview Watterson is a bust (although to be fair to him, it is for everyone else too), but he feels the need to describe first hand about his overall excitement for the creator. Hey, I love the southwest, but if I can't get the research I need about it to include it in a book, I'm not going to write about my itinerary.

Of course it's important for every author to have a voice. That's what writing is all about. But it seems as if more and more writers are pandering to everyone instead of having a singular voice (which is why I love reading authors like David Sedaris, Barbara Ehrenreich and Chuck Klosterman as well as columnists like Bill Simmons--they all have maintained their voices as the years have gone by).

Maybe to me, writing seems more of a personal venture designed to thrill myself and see where the story takes me. If others enjoy it, so be it (which would be nice so that I could actually...*gasp*...make a living at something I love to do). But if it doesn't, that's still ok with me because I know that I'll enjoy it.

Admittedly, somewhere along the line, I have to confess that I lost my sense of self. Take my TV column, for example. Back when Billy Mays died, I posted an obituary on him. I had over 10,000 hits that day resulting in over $100 in my pocket.

That was nice.

But that week, I tried to strike while the iron was hot, tossing out several meaningless articles to keep that fire raging. It eventually went out. When I returned to the column, I felt something missing.

The passion was gone.

I think it was because I realized that what I was writing wasn't me. It was just a rehash of what was going on in the world of TV instead of something personal that I could add to it. As time went on, working full time interfered with viewing shows that I should have been writing about so I was pushed farther and farther from my original goal.

I could also add that the same thing happened with the blog. In an old blog that I used to write (long ago and in another lifetime it seems), I could always come up with something interesting. Whether it was ruminations on everyday life, observations on something in particular, or even to share a funny story, the writing wasn't necessarily about me, but about life and things that we all can laugh at. It was more a shared experience as viewed through my eyes and a singular voice.

That's not to say that this blog panders to a particular audience, because...what audience?

From what I can see, it was a shifting perspective and an unhappiness of where I was in life to where I was going. My old blog kind of withered away (though I saved a great deal of the posts for ideas in stories down the line) and gave birth to this one. The old one died at a time when I was besieged by issues of living arrangements and personal matters.

Since starting this one, those perspectives have shifted again and who's to say where this one will end up?

Maybe it's time to start writing for myself again...

...maybe.

I...(part three)

...seem to be perceived by many as some sort of joyless ogre with the inability to find even the smallest pleasures in life.

This simply isn't true.

Ok, well not totally true. ;)

Admittedly, I'm not a huge fan of holidays (as you could probably glean from my last post), for example, but I remember a time when I used to be.

I can recall my college days when I'd walk through the mall in Milwaukee, soaking in the decorations and the bustling of people to and fro. The sights, sounds and smells of the Christmas season were, in many ways, intoxicating and festive.

Even for several years after college, I can still remember enjoying Christmas to some extent. Up until a decade ago, I used to decorate. Hell, I'd decorate for Halloween up until about 3 years ago!

As the years roll on, however, and you've seen hopes dashed time and time again, promises broken and everything letting you down, how can you not let a pessimistic attitude usurp a somewhat positive one? As a result, you have less and less desire to do anything to celebrate and therefore have to find other things that make your time worthwhile.

That's why I now try and take pleasure in some of the little things in life--discussing/arguing football with Chad...watching Hollie watch Lost as the story unfurls (still in the 3rd season so plenty of surprises await!)...talking about life and enjoying 80s music with Scott and Brenda...laughing at inside jokes with my cousin Jon...

...and reading.

Lately I've been reading Stephen King's Under The Dome, a nearly 1100 page opus that spans perhaps a week of time as residents of a small town are inexplicably trapped by the sudden appearance of...well, the title lets you know what. I look forward to reading it before bed nearly every night (except those rare occurrences that I'm out and the vision's a tad blurry from a few libations) and can't wait to get to the end.

However, on the flip side, knowing that as I write this, I'm less than 150 pages away from the ending, there exists a tinge of sadness because I know that the same excitement I've had about getting back to the story will soon be over.

Maybe it's because the premise of the story resonates with me since I feel as if (at least for the past 2 years and especially the last 9 months) I've been trapped...though maybe not inside a dome. It sometimes feels as if there's an ever constricting box and no matter how much I strain or push against it, it won't budge an inch.

That's why it's time to think outside that box and consider what lies just beyond the walls. So far, old methods of trying to escape haven't worked so perhaps I'll try a different train of thought.

Until then, the (somewhat) "joyless ogre" remains and the longer he does, the less you might want to expect good cheer from him.

Being confined tends to create that monster.

I...(part two)

...have never been a big fan of holidays and Thanksgiving may be my least favorite.

I do enjoy turkey, but since I've been back, we've had it at least once a month so that saps some of the special feeling out of partaking of a bird today.

Moreover, I've never been a fan of parades so getting up early and seeing that on TV does zilch for me.

Then there's the football games. I know there's grumbling around the NFL about Dallas and Detroit playing home games every Thanksgiving, thus giving them a "competitive advantage". Look, first of all, if we're going to stick with every other tradition on Thanksgiving, might as well keep this one up. Besides, since they've added a third game in the evening, there's at least one decent matchup to look forward to. Second of all, what "competitive advantage"? It's a home game just like any other so why all the sudden bitching about it? Either teams play at home or away. Other than playing one game in London during the season (which is ridiculous) and the Super Bowl, teams have home field advantage at least 8 times per season. Let it go.

Of course, there's the family time that we all look forward to...

I get enough family time each and every day so believe me, today is nothing special. In fact, like most travelers, I've amassed so many frequent flier miles from all the guilt trips I've taken so, if anything, I deserve time away somewhere. Furthermore, as the years roll on, I've become less a fan of going to other people's homes to celebrate. If it were friends, that's one thing. But most families have extended family over and with that comes kids, people I don't know and will most likely never see again, and no quiet time spent enjoying a day off.

Finally, there's the perfunctory well wishes everyone has to send today. Yes, I do appreciate it and I think it's always a nice gesture, but with that comes the obligation to send them back. I truly do hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving, but why can't every day be happy? Why do we wish it only on holidays? That seems like one tradition I wouldn't mind seeing disappear. Since I wish no ill will against family and friends any other day, why do I need to go out of my way on particular days to wish them an extra special time?

However, I think the true problem with the modern world lies in the fact that instead of everyone picking up the phone and actually wishing people well, we forward it in the form of a text, e-mail or, even worse, Facebook & MySpace greetings. It seems so impersonal to me.

Then again, it's like every other day, so why should today be any different?

Anyway, I do hope that anyone reading this has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Just don't expect me to enjoy it. ;)