The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men vs. The Goldberg Device

I need a new phone.

When I first got the LG Chocolate from Verizon I loved it...but the relationship with it slowly soured. The buttons on the face (which slides up) are sensitive so when you're talking to someone, it can really be irritating to hear the beeps every few seconds.

Also, the keypad is too small. When I text, I invariably hit send before I'm done or accidentally erase the message before completion. Also, I'd rather have the QWERTY pad because I hate having to hit the damn buttons repeatedly.

I'm not the only one who's had it with the phone. A co-worker expressed the same displeasure over it and, to be honest, it's gotten to the point of absolute hatred where I look upon it with disgust.

But that's not why I need a new phone.

I need a new phone because I accidentally spilled jalapeno juice all over the counter where my phone was sitting.

Now the reason I titled this post the way I did was because it hit me that this wasn't by chance. Oh no. This was premeditated and, honestly, the only reason I sometimes think there might be a higher power--so he/she/it can sit back and laugh.

My life must be a highly rated sitcom in Heaven, Valhalla or wherever else it might be.

You see, I've been ill all weekend and barely left the house. But, I thought I might go out and do a little grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. Of course, I weighed the decision because it's only going to me be (and Jack of course) and with me under the weather, I didn't know if I was up to cooking.

Both the best laid plans and the Goldberg device were set in motion when I decided to go to Costco anyway. Of course, I waited as long as I could because I loathe going there on a weekend. I figured that the crowd may thin out in the later afternoon.

I figured wrong.

While zipping through the crowd of "lookie-loos" as best I could, I made up my mind that I wouldn't get a turkey. I'd get a ham instead. Less to do and I really like their hickory spiraled ham. I also picked up a few other items that will take me until the Rapture (again, based on my presumption that there might be a god) to consume and recalled that they have great nacho cheese there.

The cheese comes in a huge canister and I remember getting them in care packages when I was in college so the roomies and I could share them. I had a hankering for it but wasn't sure that I wanted to buy all that for just me.

Oh, what the hell.

Since it was that time betwixt lunch and dinner, I opted for "Linner (or "Dunch" if you prefer) and thought I might sample some. Since I wasn't going to have that much, I opted not to dump the jalapenos in a bowl and instead just grab a few right out of the jar.

After enjoying a few, my phone went off and as I gracefully reached for it, the entire jar tipped over (courtesy of said hand) and out came the juice and ran all over the phone.

Now I can receive calls and texts and text in return...but no one can hear me when I answer a call. (Actually, it just might be another step to me becoming truly invisible in Las Vegas, but that's a story for another time.)

So I need a new phone.

I hope toward the end of this huge Goldberg device we call life that there's something really cool waiting for me. With my luck, I'll grab it and a huge cage will fall over me.

Now if there isn't a god and I'm captured by extraterrestrials, that might be cool. Then I'd have to weigh the option of being put in a zoo or left to mate...

It's always something...